If you invest in socially-responsible mutual funds, you may not be investing (however indirectly) in airlines much longer. And it has nothing to do with labor practices, if that’s where your mind is drifting.

Fund manager Standard Life is dropping airlines from its “ethical” portfolios:

Airlines have been labelled unethical by one of Britain’s biggest investment firms, which plans them to blacklist them alongside arms dealers, pornographers and animal-testing laboratories.

Concern over the millions of tonnes of carbon dioxide produced by commercial aircraft has prompted the Edinburgh-based Standard Life to cease investing in carriers such as British Airways, Ryanair and EasyJet on behalf of tens of thousands of customers of its ethical funds.

Sure, the parallel with arms dealers and pornographers is intentionally inflammatory, and makes great headlines. And if the funds have an environmental focus, then the exclusion makes sense. Air travel isn’t without its carbon impact (though short-hop airlines like Ryanair presumably have a greater negative impact than long-haul airlines like British Airways…)

And let’s not forget that airlines have been pretty lousy long-term investments. But that’s not ethics, that’s business.

But above all, this highlights how different the discourse of travel is in Europe and America, despite perpetually increasing environmental awareness among Americans. Sure, airlines spew plenty of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, but this is barely an issue in the US.

Ethical investment? Or a distasteful stain on any self-respecting person’s portfolio? Hit the comments.

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Looking up into the sky, you’ll often see lines of white contrails painted against the blue. Sometimes it’s a mesh, sometimes it’s remarkably parallel, reminding you that there really are highways in the sky. Rarely does a day go by that we don’t see the cloudlike atmospheric footprint of travel in the jet age.

Ever wonder what those jets’ contrails actually do to the atmosphere, and how they affect the weather 35,000 feet below?

For an answer, we turn to to Chicago weatherman extraordinaire, Tom Skilling. For those who don’t know Tom Skilling’s weather reports, they are an exercise in most excellent geekdom. His 9:30 forecasts on WGN go on for far longer, and in far greater scientific detail, than any other local weather forecaster or Weather Channel report I’ve ever seen. We may no longer live in Chicago, but my weather-nerd wife can’t let go of Tom Skilling. His blog remains her daily read. If only his brother, Enron’s disgraced CEO Jeff Skilling, could have followed Tom’s footsteps. At least the older brother made good.

Tom offers this on the contrails question:

The grounding of all U.S. and Canadian commercial air traffic for three days following the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks constituted a gigantic unplanned experiment, one result of which was a demonstration that high-altitude contrails affect weather at the ground. Contrails, the long, narrow, wispy ice-crystal clouds that form behind high-flying jet aircraft, result from the condensation of water vapor in jet exhaust. It was learned that contrails lower daytime and raise nighttime temperatures slightly in high-traffic jet corridors. Lacking those clouds for a few days after Sept. 11, the spread between daily high and low temperatures increased by about 2 degrees Fahrenheit.

Thanks, Kim!

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With everyone talking green these days, and with many environmental groups squarely putting the travel industry in its crosshairs, European mega-tourism conglomerate TUI has announced that it will use its size to make good on the green mandate. The tour company is putting pressure on hotel companies to make their operations more environmentally sound.

“In five years we want minimum standards in all our hotels,” said Dermot Blastland, managing director for TUI UK and Ireland, which carries 30 million passengers a year across Europe to 200 destinations. “We will not feature hotels that do not comply.” He said that he expects other companies to follow its lead, as customer demand drives the move to more sustainable travel.

No specifics on what those green standards actually are, and five years is a long time for companies to catch up.

I’m hoping that the standards include more than putting a card in the hotel room to tell you how to notify housekeeping whether or not you want your sheets washed or your towels changed.

But it’s a start, and if a 600-pound gorilla like TUI gives its standards teeth, then they’re very likely to gain global relevance.

Some may be crying hypocrisy, since TUI operates airplanes after all, which aren’t known for their carbon-neutrality. But it’s a smart business move, even if hoteliers may be crying environmental blackmail. A company that’s willing to step forward and make a move like this signals to consumers that they’re taking the environmental impact of travel a smidgen more seriously than their competitors, and that could tip the scales for some folks weighing vacation alternatives.

Note to airlines: This is how you get in front of bad PR. By taking a stand that improves the greater good, and demanding that others follow or get left behind, the company comes out looking like a knight in shining armor, even if it’s not really a selfless act. There’s got to be a way for airlines to spin their less-than-stellar environmental reputation — or their less-than-stellar passengers’ rights reputation, for that matter — in a way that benefits the masses and simultaneously makes the company look good.

Downgraded: The mile-high club
Singapore Airlines has some of the swankest first class seats — ahem, “suites” — in the sky, but if you want to get frisky with your mate at 39,000 feet, no dice. Despite having a double bed in their suites, the airline enforces a no-sex policy in the sky. Note the key word: enforces. Early passengers on the A380 weren’t pleased:

“So they’ll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne — and then say you can’t do what comes naturally?” asked Tony Elwood, a vigorous 76. “Seems a bit strange.”

Sorry, Tony. Your ticket may say first class, but you and the missus will have to use the lavatory, just like everyone else. Or rent a private love jet for $299.

Downgraded: Airbus’ green claims
One big selling point for modern aircraft is always their lower fuel consumption. Leo Hickman at the Guardian ran the numbers on the A380, and found that Airbus’ calculations are bogus. They assume a full plane of 555 passengers, but zero luggage or cargo, when they calculate the kerosene burn. How realistic. (By the way, Airbus claims that the A380 will burn 2.9 liters of fuel per passenger for every 100km traveled, i.e., 75 grams of carbon dioxide per passenger per km.)

Upgraded: Olde tyme hotel rates
The Palmer House in Chicago is allowing repeat guests to stay there at the rate they paid years ago. A great deal… as long as the earlier stay was fifty years ago or more, and if the guests still have the original receipt. A 1947 receipt will get you a room under $10. Which wasn’t cheap! (Notice to my wife: THIS is why I keep receipts.)

Downgraded: The State Department
Turns out that the $97 passport fee is nicely padded in the government’s favor, far above the cost of processing. Gosh, really?

Downgraded: Surcharges
The seven most annoying travel surcharges, from Chris Elliott. Room service “Tray fee”?? Wow, that’s really brazen.

Downgraded: The TSA
TSA regularly sends staff to conduct internal testing of its security procedures. But it turns out they’re sometimes tipping off the front-line staff in advance. (I know someone who works for TSA, who has had the pleasure of carrying a “bomb” through the airport. Yes, they caught him. Who’da thunk.)

Upgraded: The jurisdiction for Southwest’s Fashion Police
Good to see that the memo that Southwest doesn’t have a dress code made it to every employee. Oh wait… “Southwest Airlines said it will apologize to a passenger who was told he would be removed from a flight if he didn’t change clothes, the second time in recent months the budget carrier has been forced to do so.” The shirt read “Captain Jack Hoff: Master Baiter.” Har har har. Those t-shirt auteurs… such cunning linguists! Well, considering how Southwest “apologized” the last time, we should expect a fare sale with a saucy name soon. But what will they call it? “The ‘No shirt, no shoes, no assigned seating!’ Sale” ?? “The Happy Hands Sale” ?? Speculate in comments.

Downgraded: Urns
The Indianapolis Airport was shut down and evacuated because a funeral urn hadn’t been screened properly and the owner couldn’t be found. Talk about adding insult to injury for the family of the deceased. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened with those newfangled security systems that somehow keep hitting the media but don’t actually show up in widespread use at airports. Or maybe it would happen anyway. This is the TSA we’re talking about, after all.

Upgraded: Olympic fever!
Looking to visit the Olympics in Beijing next summer? Over on Peter Greenberg’s site, Mike Day rounds up the ways to get tickets, get a room, and get around. Don’t forget your asthma medication.

Upgraded: Erosion
A 2002 flood created a new canyon in Texas in just three days. And then it took five years to open it to the public!

Upgraded: Quieter hotels
Longtime readers know that one of my pet travel peeves is the noisy luxury hotel, often courtesy of a crappy door with a giant gap at the bottom, allowing in all the noise from the hall. I’m happy to read that soundproofing materials are selling well as hoteliers build new facilities. Better walls, yay! But no mention of better doors. Nice try, people! The Door Wars are still on!

Upgraded: Bio-air-travel
Air New Zealand, Boeing, and Rolls-Royce engines will test a biofuel-powered 747. If you smell french fries in the wind, look up to see if a jumbo jet is passing by.

Downgraded: Odds of seeing pole-dancer art on London-Gatwick approach
First it was the Kentucky Fried Chicken ad featuring a Colonel Sanders image visible from space. Now, a website’s advertisement featuring a giant chalk outline of a poledancing stripper is causing controversy in the UK. The image, in a field below a common approach path for flights to London’s Gatwick Airport, is only visible from the air, but is still causing an affront. It’s likely to be removed soon. But thanks to news reports and posts like this one far more people will see it online than ever would see it from a plane. (Yes, I’m guilty of supporting their marketing machine… I know…)

Upgraded: Kayak.com introduces alliance-based search
Aggregator Kayak.com tweaked its search tools ever so slightly, allowing you to sort by alliance (Star, oneworld, Skyteam) and not just by airline. But you can only sort it that way AFTER you’ve the basic search. (You can search preferred airlines up front, so why not alliances? Meh.) Orbitz has allowed alliance search for some time, but this is the first aggregator that I’m aware of that’s doing this.

Upgraded: Hertz’s environmentalist credibility
Last September, Hertz rolled out its “Green Collection” of rental cars and I was thoroughly unimpressed. Buick LaCrosse? Come on. Where were the hybrids? Well, it took nine months, but Hertz finally got around to buying more genuinely eco-friendly vehicles, with a purchase of 3,400 Toyota Priuses (or is that Prii?). That’s more like it.

Upgraded: Wine in coach. Viva jetBlue!
JetBlue is serving up some slightly more interesting wines than usual the usual coach fare. Thanks to a partnership with Best Cellars, the airline is giving their all-economy class passengers a slightly better guzzle. Choosing wine for coach can be challenging, since it has to be a) cheap, b) in tiny ready-for-sale bottles, unlike in premium cabins, and c) pair-able with a wider range of foods. I hadn’t thought about that last one before: After all, the wine in business and first can presumably be paired with the menu (though that’s not always obvious). But in coach, a wine demands “versatility in pairing with a wide assortment of airport meals people bring on planes, including pan pizzas from Pizza Hut and Taco Bell burritos with chicken and mole sauce.” (Taco Bell has a mole sauce? Really?) Either way, good for jetBlue, and good for their wine-imbibing passengers. (Thanks Tyler!)

Downgraded: US Airways right to serve any wine
Unlike jetBlue… US Airways, which got into trouble for selling booze without a license in New Mexico a few months ago, and which has been serving the sauce with a temporary scrip since then, was denied an extension of its license this past week. Tough break. BYOB, anyone?

Upgraded: Marriott; Downgraded: Ian Schrager (or is it the other way around?)
Look, I happen to like Marriott hotels for what they are: Consistent, clean, competent, and overall comfortable spaces to spend the night. (4 C’s!) They usually don’t have too much bling or pizazz, though some of their big-city properties have that 1980s glitz that has an odd appeal to my mid-to-late-30s, graying-gracefully, receding-hairline self. So when I hear that they’re teaming up with Ian Schrager, king of the boutique hotel, to create a new boutique-y brand, I’m skeptical. It seems like a late-to-the-game attempt to create a “W” chain within a chain. If it adds a little funk to the Marriott decor, great. (Bye bye brass fixtures, please!) But it also smacks of desperation. And isn’t Ian Schrager past this? Seems like he’s here to cash in while the cashin’ in is good.

Upgraded: WestJet’s honesty; Downgraded: Little old ladies’ pensions
Canada’s WestJet (hearts) little old ladies. Not because they’re nice grandmas, but because they’re walking piggy banks, and the airline’s got a hammer. Consider this nugget from the airline’s president:

“There would be a little old lady coming up and she’d have a table and she’d have a chair and she’d have six or seven bags and we’d say ‘Yeah, take it on the plane. No problem.’ Now we’re actually going to charge a little bit of money for taking that table and chair and those extra bags on board. And that incremental revenue that we extract from that little old lady is very, very profitable to us. Some 85% goes to the bottom line.”

Good for him, for saying publicly what other airline executives discuss privately. So I guess the business traveler isn’t the company profit center; the rarely-traveled senior citizen is. Bank it.

Upgraded: Amputees and their TSA experience
Got a prosthetic? The TSA wants to make your security checkpoint experience kinder and gentler. Good! On the other hand…

Downgraded: Sippy cups, and TSA cinema verité
A former Secret Service agent reports that she was harassed when she accidentally carried her child’s sippy cup of water through security. Stupid enough, but it gets more absurd: The TSA actually released a silent security tape of the incident, labeled “Mythbusters,” in their own defense. Feel free to view the videos, read the incident report, review the embarrassed mother’s story, and decide for yourself.

Upgraded: Demolition
Let me make myself perfectly clear: I want to help destroy this hotel. I’ve never been to it, but I want to help Spanish hotel chain NH Hoteles wreck the Alcala Hotel in Madrid. The company is holding a contest to see who can take a sledgehammer to the joint. Only 30 lucky few will get to play rockstar-cum-wrecking ball. Let the spirit of Keith Moon guide you.