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Downgraded: Short flights on United
Watching United and US Airways devalue their frequent flyer programs is like watching a tennis match, with the two players volleying back and forth. Every time one airline does something, the other does it a few weeks later. Lather, rinse, repeat. The latest: After US Airways did it a few weeks ago, United Airlines is eliminating the 500-mile minimum mileage earned. In an e-mail to customers, UA wrote:

Beginning July 1, 2008, for flights of less than 500 miles, passengers will earn redeemable miles equal to the actual miles flown. Elite Qualifying Miles (EQM) will also be awarded based on actual miles. Elite Qualifying Segments (EQS) are not affected. This new mileage accrual structure will apply to travel on or after July 1, 2008, regardless of when the travel was ticketed.

This affects road warriors who park their butts in seats on short flights most. It sure slows the trip on the road to elite status, or to that free ticket.

Update: The rules are now online, here. Thanks, Benet and Antonio!

Upgraded: Hassle
The agents of the Customs and Border Protection Service have 60 different reasons to deny a person entry into the United States, “at the discretion of border agents,” even if visitors have a valid ticket and don’t require a visa. “Looking at me funny” might be one of them, as an Italian visitor found out, ending up in the slammer for 10 days without charges. At what point is the appeal of travel to the United States — especially in light of the low dollar — outweighed by the government-paranoia BS factor?

Downgraded: Airspeed
Upgraded: Fuel efficiency
Think flights are moving a little slower lately? You may be right. Airlines are slowing down the engines and saving fuel in the process. Example: “Cutting the speed on a Northwest Minneapolis to Paris flight from 542 mph to 532 mph adds 8 minutes in flying time but reduces fuel consumption by 162 gallons, saving the airline around $535.”

United Airlines is raising the fee it charges if you want to change your ticket. The fee goes up from $100 to $150.

This is the fee paid whenever you want to alter anything about a non-refundable ticket. And if the new ticket you’re looking for comes in at a higher price, you still have to pay the difference on top of that.

While it’s a sizable jump, I’m not as irked by this fee as I am by other fees. It’s a “per-use” fee, affecting only those passengers who need to avail themselves of its terms. Sure, it would be nice if there were no such fees. But it would be nice to have a pony, too. (Well, maybe the pony isn’t such a hot idea, now that I think about it.)

The airlines are obviously looking for ways to pull in some revenue. With oil getting close to $120 a barrel, they have to pay for that fuel somehow. Multiple price hikes are one way, but fees for luggage, skycaps, aisle seats, and itinerary changes are several others.

The $64,000 question remains: At what point does air travel become too expensive for travelers, both business and leisure? At what point do airlines’ price and fee hikes kill demand? We’re not there yet, but I have the sense that we’re getting closer. And if demand dies, we’ll see some more bankruptcies, for sure.

(Hat tip to Benet Wilson!)

Update: It’s confirmed.

Bonus nugget in the linked article: UA is also re-introducing the Saturday-night-stay requirement for many fares, which adds restrictions to cheaper fares. Oh well. What was I just saying about demand?

The merger insider
Holly Hegeman’s red phone rang, and a trusted insider gave her this update on the United-Continental merger rumors. It’s on.

…the bulk of the existing United Airlines brand will continue to be used internationally, but Continental will take over the domestic operation for the most part. Other details we were told included the fact that there has already been a transition team put together. The deal will be announced after Delta/Northwest goes public. There will initially be a holding company set up to run both airlines. This operation will continue for three-five years. This will allow for a “smoother transition” from the two airlines into one operation.

But what happens if Delta-Northwest doesn’t go through, as it’s now hit a labor-related snag?

The “holding company” concept is one I expected when merger speculation first arose. Much like Air France and KLM operate separately under one company, it looks like the same idea is in the cards for the United-Continental merger, at least to start. But the merger looks like it’s on. Oh well.

Is that “going #3″?
Best opening paragraph in a while:

A newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself on Tuesday.

Bad karma? Or a moral social stand?
Fighting the trend of tipping in American society seems like a losing battle, but the WSJ’s Eric Felten argues against the tip jar at Starbucks. It’s a good read.

Less than 1 cent per mile? No thanks.
I was going to comment that Delta’s new policy that allows you to use SkyMiles to buy a ticket based on the cost of the ticket, rather than the origin and destination, was generally a bad deal, and that it was an other salvo in their devaluation of the mileage currency. But Gary Leff and Tim Winship have already argued this point forcefully, so I’ll let them speak for me. I’ll just nod in agreement.

Misspellings go multinational
My disdain for the name “SimplyWheelz” is not enough to stop the brand from spreading. Hertz’s low-cost car rental subsidiary is expanding beyond Orlando to Alicante and Malaga, Spain, with sales channels targeting British and German tourists.

An old favorite: Fly first class at coach prices
One of this blog’s longstanding favorite subjects, the Y-UP fare, which books into economy but seats you in first class, gets a fresh look from Rick Seaney. The usual caveat applies: Y-UP may be cheaper than walkup regular-economy fares, but they’ll rarely ever beat out a cheapo fare purchased months ago. Nonetheless, it’s always worth a search.

Unscheduled landings stink, but especially internationally
Being diverted to another airport? Never fun. Being stuck on the plane? Never fun. Being diverted, and then stuck on a plane, because you’ve just landed in a different country? Even less fun. Just ask the Qantas passengers who were stuck on the plane during an unscheduled mechanical pit stop in India. (Thanks, Rob!)

It’s been a tough week, so forgive my absence online. I’m just starting to dig through the e-mails and comments, so if you sent me a message, please bear with me while I catch up. Speaking of catch-up…

Downgraded: Channel 9
For those who have flown United Airlines, you may be familiar with Channel 9, the inflight entertainment feature that lets you hear the conversations between the pilots and air traffic control. There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who get it, and those who don’t. I’m a fan, and I have always appreciated the openness and lifting-of-the-curtain that the channel provides. Of course, I hardly ever fly United any more, so I might as well use the past tense in describing it myself. When things seem amiss (like a powerful jolt of turbulence) it’s nice to hear know what’s going on. My affection for channel 9 is probably balanced out by the naysayers who ask why the hell anyone would want to hear that stuff, or who would rather NOT know how airline pilots actually do their job. The naysayers may have their day, though, as reports are increasing that Channel 9 is turned off more and more. The Wall Street Journal’s Scott McCartney even devoted a weekly column to the subject, and his sources indicate that some pilots are intentionally keeping Channel 9 turned off as a protest against United management. Well that’s just lovely. Take one of the last (positive) things that makes UA unique, and destroy it. Another nail in United’s coffin.

Upgraded: Eos going domestic?
Eos, the swanky all-business class airline, plans to expand beyond its New York JFK to London Stansted route. First there was the addition of Newark flights to London. Then London to Dubai. And now, there’s word that Eos wants to introduce flights to “Western U.S. destinations.” But whereto?

Upgraded: Salt Lake City security
At the Salt Lake City airport, the TSA is running a pilot program and allowing passengers to self-categorize themselves as beginners, intermediates, or experts, as pertains to security. Interestingly, the “beginner” stage includes families and special needs travelers. Different needs, sure, but “beginners”? I like the ski-slope coding scheme (black diamond = expert), but it’ll be interesting to see if passengers actually categorize themselves correctly.

Upgraded, sorta: JetBlue inflight meals
Downgraded: Your peace and quiet
JetBlue will give you a free breakfast laden with Kraft cream cheese, as part of a buzz-building campaign for a reformulated light spread. Some flights even have Kraft representatives in white tuxedos chatting up the flight, pimping the cheese. Classy. The free bagel and cream cheese? Fine. But a sales schtick you can’t escape? Two thumbs way, way down. (Marketplace, via Rick Seaney)

Downgraded: go! Airlines’ pilots’ caffeine rush
Inter-island capitalization-challenged Hawaiian airline go! treated its passengers to a little extra flight mileage on board their Canadair torture machine regional jet, when both the pilot and the co-pilot apparently fell asleep during a flight from Honolulu to Hilo. I couldn’t imagine falling asleep during such a short flight, even as a passenger. But both pilots falling asleep? Mechanical errors have been ruled out. Those pilots’ seats must be comfy. Or maybe someone slipped them a decaf instead of a triple-shot of regular?

Downgraded: London Heathrow
British Airways economy and premium economy passengers at Heathrow’s terminal 4 were told they could only fly on February 20 if they had no checked baggage. What? Again: Passenger wishing to check bags were prohibited from flying. Why? Because the airport’s luggage handling system had failed. And note that this is the terminal where BA’s long-haul flights tend to begin, so you’re not just hitting the folks who are daytripping on business. Great work, team. (Thanks, Hamish!)

Travelers on United Airlines will now have to pay $25 if they check a second bag, unless they’re Star Alliance Silver-level elite frequent flyer members or higher. (That includes the entry-level elite status of Premier on United.) But for an airline that portrays itself as somehow “premium,” this is another in a long series of devaluations and degradations. United has been on a downward slope since it emerged from bankruptcy. This just reaffirms it.

The charge will generate more than $100 million in revenue and cost savings each year, UAL Corp. said. The change takes effect May 5 and applies to tickets purchased on or after Monday.

Soon, United will be indistinguishable from Spirit or Skybus, except with some 747s, an international schedule, and Channel 9 on their audio program.

Thanks to the commenter with the appropriately sarcastic nom-de-plume of “Friendly Skies”, to the ever-vigilant reader J, and to the lovely and talented Kim for sending in this tip.

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Downgraded: Monkey life-chances
I really can’t add more than this fine opening sentence: “A small monkey stashed in a man’s hat during a flight to New York has died, but federal health authorities don’t know why.”

Upgraded: Vengeful idiots
A passenger who missed his Southwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Hartford decided to tell the airline that a bomb was on board. How nice. After an emergency landing in Omaha, no bomb was found on board flight 1018. If ever anyone deserved to be put on the no-fly list, it’s this guy. Class act.

Downgraded: Skybus
Many airlines cancel flights due to mechanical issues, but when you don’t have a lot of planes to begin with, the effects are multiplied. No-frills upstart Skybus canceled 18 flights over two days, when two of its planes were grounded. 1000 people were affected.

Downgraded: United
United canceled hundreds of flights, mostly out of O’Hare, this past week, blaming the weather. The only problem is that the weather wasn’t the problem. According to the pilots’ union and media reports, it’s short-staffing. Other airlines weren’t hit the same way, on similar routes, so it’s fair to question the company’s weather-related excuses. For those travelers who were affected, though, this is one of those instances where your rights vary, depending on the reason for the delay. If it was staffing, then United should have rebooked passengers on other airlines (Rule 240). But if the airline can blame the weather, then passengers are out of luck. So guess which one the company is blaming?

Bonus: 180 passengers got evacuated after a United 757 got stuck in the mud when it made a wrong turn in Kansas City.

Upgraded: Malls, pretending to be airports
This past week, I visited the Natick Mall in Massachusetts, where I stopped in at the American Express Cardmembers’ Lounge. I had heard of these mall lounges before, but it was my first time seeing it live and in color. Sure enough, it’s like a medium-sized airport lounge, with free cofee drinks, snacks, magazines, internet access, and a phone charging station. But unlike airports, this lounge has free gift wrapping services. A nice complimentary perk for Amex cardholders, even those who aren’t paying annual fees. Unfortunately, the lounges close on December 31. I truly wonder what it ended costing Amex to run this thing.

Upgraded: The IRS
People apparently would rather pay their taxes than submit to airport security. The TSA ranked lower than the IRS in a satisfaction survey. (FEMA ranked even lower, after the Hurricane Katrina fiasco.)

Upgraded: The Dangers of Pie
Add another reason why the TSA isn’t winning the popularity contests. Once again, this holiday season, people transporting pies were given a hard time at airport security checkpoints. This happened before, and TSA Director Kip Hawley declared that pie was not a liquid. But apparently, it could still be a plastic explosive. I give up. (Thanks, Jess!)

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Flight delayed? Sue!
A judge in India has ruled that passengers whose Go Air flight was canceled were due the equivalent of US$380 each because of the mental anguish they suffered. Is this a trend? Where can I sue for suffering through flight delays inside a regional jet?

Get on the bus
The American Bus Association wants you to feel green about hitting the road: They claim that buses — ahem, motorcoaches — are more environmentally friendly than passenger cars, trains, and planes. According to their numbers, a bus gets 184 passenger miles per gallon, while commuter rail comes in at 86 and planes only make 42. I’ve sat behind some black soot-spewing buses, and I find this claim hard to believe. And what about all the electric rail out there? Nonetheless, one thing is indisputable: Buses are more efficient than passenger cars.

Which airline has the healthiest snacks?
Domestically, it’s United and their $5 snackboxes according to Charles Stuart Platkin of dietdetective.com. See his post for the lowdown on the various airlines’ snacks.

Business class shootout!
Reader Gianugo has personally tested three of the all-business class airlines that cross the Atlantic. In his tests, Silverjet comes out on top, with L’Avion and Maxjet trailing. (No test of Eos Airlines, but they’re generally at a much higher price point.) The L’Avion review certainly jives with previous reports from the field (here and here). Read his detailed post for the breakdown of what makes these discounted business class airilnes tick.

No more being charged extra fees for returning your car with a full tank
Consumer victory! One of the very first posts on this blog — in its first week of inception, in fact — railed against Budget Rent-a-Car’s practice of levying a $9.50 charge if the odometer registered fewer than 75 miles upon return. This is one of those “what are they thinking” fees that gives the travel industry a bad name. I’m pleased to report that the Federal Trade Commission has clamped down and told Budget to stop. (via Consumerist)

Shameless self-promotion, part one
Chris Elliott, consumer advocate, National Geographic ombudsman, and general thorn in the travel industry’s side, compiled his list of the seven “most influential” travel bloggers. You’re reading one of them. Huzzah! The others: Paul Brady at Jaunted, Arthur Frommer, Holly Hegeman at PlaneBuzz, CondeNast’s Wendy Perrin, Ben Popken at Consumerist (where I’ve been a guest blogger on several occasions), and FareCompare’s Rick Seaney. Nice company to be in, to be sure, and a good starting point for your other blog-reading needs. There are seven runners-up, too, so go read the whole thing. Consider other blogs, like the Travvies winners from earlier this year. (Or heck, the finalists!) And peruse the blogroll in the pulldown in the right sidebar for more great blogs that I read regularly.

Shameless self-promotion, part deux
Upgrade: Travel Better goes audio: You can hear a few snippets of me commenting on recent frequent flyer mile devaluations on Marketplace, which aired this morning on public radio. If you didn’t wake up to the “dulcet tones” of my voice on your clock radio this morning, you can hear the clip and read the transcript here.

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How to add injury to insult: Five United Airlines employees at O’Hare Airport, who were working on the Thanksgiving holiday, seemingly got food poisoning from the airline-sponsored turkey dinner.

The likely culprit? Turkey that didn’t “smell quite right.”

(The airline-food joke is just too easy. It’s just sitting there. You’re thinking it, I know.)

On the bright side, perhaps the employees will get worker’s comp as well as overtime. Whoo.

It was a well-meant gesture on the company’s part, and an effort to mend fences with a thoroughly disgruntled group of employees. Well-played.

Despite their nausea, three of the five nauseous employees returned to work. Something tells me they weren’t picking at the leftovers in the staff lounge later that day.

(Thanks to reader J!)

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. And I’m giving thanks that I’m not traveling this holiday. But in the spirit of the season, how about an upgrade/downgrade cornucopia:

Downgraded: Hooters Style
Kyla Ebbert, the Southwest miniskirt bandit, has posed for Playboy. Glad to know she wasn’t in it for the publicity. Nah, never… What took her so long?

Upgraded: Carry-on rules for UK travel
The UK may — may — allow passengers to have more than one carry-on item again, if airports demonstrate their ability to handle the load. If they pass muster, airports will be greenlighted starting January 7, 2008.

Upgraded: Weight-based airfare proposals
An Australian doctor is proposing airfare based on your weight. Not a particularly practical policy for advance purchases, but heck, hotels have tried it, so why not.

Downgraded: American Airlines’ flight tracking
What did AA do to keep up with the list of 130 diverted flights on December 29, 2006? It kept a list on a legal-sized notepad. Way to work the high tech! (via Consumerist)

Upgraded: Elitism on Greyhound
Greyhound, taking a page from the Skybus playbook, is charging $5 for early boarding on its buses. It’s not a bus with free wifi, but it’s a start, I guess.

Downgraded: Merger Mania
Yes, Delta and United are in play for a merger. Sure, Delta said the airlines weren’t talking. But their stockholders (hedge funds) were. So who the heck knows if this will actually happen. We’ve seen this thing before (United-Continental? US Airways-Delta?) and it hasn’t happened. Bottom line: airlines are making record profits, despite record fuel prices, and yet they still keep arguing for a need to cut capacity and raise fares, which is most easily effected through a merger. This makes no sense on so many levels. I remain opposed to airline mergers, like a broken record.

Downgraded: Hotel-room glasses
I’m always a little wary of those glasses in hotel rooms, but now we’ve got hidden-camera proof that we shouldn’t be using them — or washing them ourselves before every use. Fox Atlanta planted cameras in several hotels, including Holiday Inn, Sheraton, and the Ritz-Carlton. In each hotel, housekeepers don’t remove the glasses for cleaning in the dishwashers downstairs. At best, they simply rinse them. At worst, they spray them with poisonous household cleaners, handle them with the same gloves they wore when cleaning the toilet, or dry the rinsed glassware with the same towel you used as a bathmat that morning. Disgusting. (Thanks, James!)

Upgraded: Ways to contact Skybus
Skybus, the notoriously hard-to-reach airline that tries to tell its customers that there’s no working phone number at the airline, has been exposed. How to contact Skybus, according to Skybus? Write an e-mail. After seeing far too many boilerplate e-replies that don’t address the problem, Chris Elliott has posted the executives’ contact information, including e-mails.

Upgraded: Advertisers’ unwitting sense of irony
Skybus again: CapitalOne is shelling out the big bucks to paint pigs all over a Skybus A319. It’s a savings account ad — a piggy bank theme — plus a riff off “When pigs fly,” leaving you, the consumer, with hijinks and hilarity. But if you’re an airline, do you really want your plane looking like a pig? Skybus, the flying pig? Wallow aboard!

Upgraded: Paris wine
Where to find a good wine bar or wine retailer in Paris? Look no further. Dr. Vino hits the scene with yet another installation of his wine maps. The Paris wine map features both stores and bars.

Upgraded: Getting on the bump list
The Cranky Flier notes that United has started asking for volunteers on overbooked flights at the time of check-in. Talk about getting in front of the problem. Unfortunately, the net effect for travelers is negligible, because you can’t (yet?) be guaranteed a bump by registering for one online. You still have to drag your butt to the airport and wait at the gate. Registering online only gets you an early spot on the list, if that’s your bag.

Upgraded: Smokin’ hot suitcases
The joke luggage insert (ahem, the Citizen’s Insertable Swiftness Manifest) posted last week included several jokes about smoking luggage. Now life imitates art. Phoenix SkyHarbor Airport was actually shut down after a smoking suitcase was discovered.

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Facing record fuel prices, United Airlines and others are considering flight cancellations and grounding large parts of their fleet. Apparently, it’s necessary to resort to threats like this when low-cost carriers make price hikes difficult.

United’s CFO Jack Brace offers this wisdom:

“Either the industry passes on the higher fuel prices or we’re going to have to lower capacity, but you have to make the equation work,” he said in comments to a Goldman Sachs conference in New York.

Brace said United has a little more than 100 aircraft unencumbered by debt, including 50 Boeing 737s, “that we could ground whenever we needed to if the demand environment were such that it didn’t make sense to fly those planes.”

But hold on: Airlines have already been raising prices, and the price hikes have been sticky. So grounding planes in an environment where prices are rising and planes are already packed to the gills is a curious move.

It strikes me as an effort to spur the industry to really sock it to consumers. I know it’s not a perfect analogy, but I’m reminded of Enron’s actions during the California energy crisis. Energy supply low? Turn off another power plant to drive prices up further! Bring on the gouging!

But is the threat to ground planes credible? It seems highly unlikely that any airline would unilaterally ground a fifth of its fleet, as United is suggesting (and others are supposedly considering, according to the linked article above). Competitors would fill the vacuum, step up with more flights — albeit at higher prices.

Bottom line: United can talk and talk about grounding flights. But will they do it? I doubt it.

Next thing to worry about in flight: Ozone
Like “sick building syndrome,” you can now start worrying about the plane’s air. But not because of the germs. It’s the ozone. Not holes in the ozone layer, either, but ozone levels in the cabin. Most interestingly, narrow-body flights are more prone than wide-body planes to higher ozone levels. Yet another reason to love the jumbos.

Korean Air shows off its Airbus A380 interiors
Singapore Airlines may be the first airline to fly the A380 mega-uber-hyper-super-jumbo-jet (and tickets are finally on sale for Sydney-Singapore flights, which start October 25, by the way), but you can get a photo tour of Korean Air’s A380. Lavender??! Who’s their interior designer? Yuck! (Thanks, Jeff!)

First class fare sale… if you’re traveling tomorrow
I know that airlines like to put out the e-fares and net-savers for weekend travel, but this offer from United struck me as odd. First class fares are on sale for travel on Saturday, September 15 only. Fly there in first, fly back in coach, savor the difference? Fares are less than regular paid first, but the bulk of fares are for really short flights where paying cash money for first class is bonkers.

Business class fare sales to Europe
All-business class L’Avion is flying Newark to Paris for $1398 roundtrip, pre-tax. Maxjet is doing London to New York or DC for $998, also roundtrip, also pre-tax. Both are through the end of 2007, but not every date may be available. (Thanks, Michelle!)

More dangerous shirts
I don’t know what to make of this. “Your liver is evil. It must be punished.” Har har har. But Continental Airlines wasn’t laughing when they kept Edna and Frank Taylor from getting onboard, because of that shirt. What’s with this “What Not to Wear” airline trend?

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