Upgraded: Mile-high club, part deux
Downgraded: Marketing!
Free flights for taking off your clothes? Yes, a cheesy marketing gimmick is giving away 999 pairs of intra-European tickets for those who show up near-naked somewhere in central London. Oddly, for an unnamed airline. I’m sure some marketing agency thinks they’re being “edgy” or “buzzworthy” with this schtick. And yeah, I’m writing about it, so you could argue that I’m feeding into it. But since I can’t even write about their client who’s sponsoring the semi-nudity, it sure seems like a failure to me.

Upgraded: Midwest Airlines miles
Midwest Airlines passengers have long been able to use their miles on Northwest, and vice versa. Now that Northwest is part of Delta, that partnership is applicable to Delta flights as well.

Downgraded: International flights
Cash cow no more… United and Delta are cutting back further the number of international flights on their schedule. The planes that had previously been full of premium-cabin travelers are now flying empty up front. With i-bankers relegated to coach, the flights aren’t profitable any longer.

Blackout dates: April 6, 2009 – April 15, 2009, both directions of travel. Tickets must be booked online at united.com (so no Star Alliance partner routings, or connections to smaller cities served by United’s partners.)

This is a great deal. The full list of European cities served: Amsterdam (AMS), Brussels (BRU), Frankfurt (FRA), Geneva (GVA), London (LHR), Moscow (DME), Munich (MUC), Paris (CDG), Rome (FCO), and Zurich (ZRH). Full terms and conditions are here.

Upgraded: Transatlantic deals on Virgin Atlantic
Virgin Atlantic has a great sale going on right now over the pond, with economy fares as low as $453 round trip including taxes, and premium economy for as low as $675. Best part: No advance purchase. Buy today, leave today! But fares aren’t just last-minute fares, either. But no summer fares. You’ll find the cheapest prices from Feb 11, 2009 – Mar 22, 2009 or Oct 22, 2009 – Nov 30, 2009.

Downgraded: $0 airfares
I’ve always felt that companies should honor the prices they publish. And in an era of airlines that pay you to fly them, why wouldn’t a passenger think that a $0 airfare (plus taxes) was legit? Alas, tickets booked on Northwest at that last Wednesday fare aren’t being honored, unless the passengers are already mid-trip.

Upgraded: Inflight wi-fi live on Southwest
If you’re flying Southwest today (Wednesday, Feb. 11), check to see if you’re flying on aircraft #901. It’s the first plane equipped with inflight wi-fi. The plane is routed OAK-ONT-PHX-SAN-OAK-SNA-PHX-OAK-PHX. And while the service is being tested, the wi-fi is free.

Downgraded: Reading, Geography, Responsibility
A Thomas Cook travel agent mistakenly booked a passenger to San Juan, Puerto Rico, instead of San Jose, Costa Rica. SJU instead of SJO. Bad mistake. But didn’t the traveler bear any responsibility to check the tickets — or heck, figure this out at the departure airport?? I love her quote, though: “I looked around the airport, saw posters of Puerto Rico everywhere, and thought: ‘What am I going to do? Where is Puerto Rico? Where am I?’” Yes, “where is Puerto Rico.”

Downgraded: Surprise
Headline: “Surprising number of companies cut travel spending.” Umm, “surprising”? Have USA Today’s editors been so insulated from the economic crisis that they’re shocked that travel spending is cut back?

Rob and Jeff Kolodjay were scheduled to fly on Spirit Airlines to a golf vacation with four other friends on Thursday out of LaGuardia in New York City. Their flight got cancelled, and they were rebooked onto US Airways flight 1549. When they tried to cancel the return tickets on Spirit they could not use because they never made it to Myrtle Beach, the company representative insisted on charging them a [$90] cancellation fee.

Wait, Spirit rebooks passengers onto other airlines? Who knew? Amazing!

But as for the cancellation fee, the airline eventually reversed itself. Only after the passengers got the local news reporters involved. Stay classy, Spirit! (via Consumerist)

Upgraded: Promises and threats of Ryanair in the USA
Ultra-cheapo Ryanair has been threatening to fly trans-Atlantic again. This time, from Ireland to … Niagara Falls! Ryanair promises/threatens a route over the Atlantic on a six-month cycle, it seems. And it never materializes. Let me know when they start actually flying this one…

Upgraded: Wi-fi on United, unless you’re a Chicagoan, apparently
I’m amused by this take-down of the introduction of inflight wi-fi on selected United Airlines flights by Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism website. United is putting the $12.95 service on its JFK-SFO and JFK-LAX “p.s.” service. Notably not included: Chicago flights. The article’s negative angle toward the service may betray some sour grapes…

Downgraded: Luxury
It’s barely open for six months, but the Arctic Club Hotel in Seattle has “decided to no longer be a luxury hotel, and said that downscaling will help it attract more customers.” Their new target is the AAA 3-diamond level, and they’re hoping to partner with a major chain. Welcome to the new austerity.

Upgraded: Hassles for the obese Canadian traveler
Canada’s Supreme Court ruled recently that obese passengers could not be forced to buy a second seat. The court reaffirmed the Department of Transport’s “one person, one seat” directive. Air Canada and WestJet, Canada’s top airlines, in turn decided that passengers would need a doctor’s note declaring the passenger “disabled as a result of their obesity,” and not simply too large to feel comfortable in an airline seat, if they wanted the exemption from paying a second fare. Now Canadian doctors are complaining that the airlines are overburdening the medical system with the requirement for notes. I smell a lawsuit brewing.

Downgraded: Parking lot firepower
Not so smart: Driving to LAX with a trunk full of guns and ammunition. 16 firearms, 1000 rounds. Including one assault rifle. To the driver’s credit, the weapons were locked in separate containers from the ammunition, and he claims he was licensed for everything, but what kind of genius brings that kind of firepower to the airport?

Upgraded: Florida deals for DC residents who dislike inaugurations
Barack Obama is being sworn in as president on Tuesday, January 20, and Washington, DC will be mayhemic. Plus, hotels in the area are gouging their customers booked with record rates. (2-star hotels fifty miles away from the district for $550/night? Get real.) But rooms are marked down in Amelia Island, Florida, where hotels are trying to attract residents of the DC area who either want to avoid the congestion — or who just don’t like the new president.

Downgraded: United elite status duration
United has shaved a month off the validity of their frequent flyer elite status. Reader Craig writes in:

I opened up my new [United Airlines Mileage Plus] premier exec card yesterday and noticed that instead of expiring at the end of February 2010, it expires at the end of January. Also looking at the brochure that accompanies the card they have eliminated the Elite Choice reward at 40k miles. These are minor things, but still.

Indeed. Status used to last 14 months — January 1 through the next year’s February. Now, it’s 13 months. Lucky, lucky 13.

Typically, the charge for carrying an infant on your lap on an international flight is 10% of the fare paid. The child doesn’t get a seat. But what’s the fare, if you’re paying with miles?

In the example Chris cites, the passengers are using miles to travel in business class to Asia. (Which is a great use of miles, I might add.) But United is calculating the infant fare using the full-fare business class ticket price. And 10% of the full-fare ticket comes to $1280.00. Ouch.

What airlines should do is introduce a separate mileage redemption tier for infants. Charge 10% of the miles that an adult would redeem, plus the taxes and fees. Airlines could even offer a cash alternative, by charging the cash equivalent of those miles. You can buy miles from the airline, after all, so why not use that rate as a metric for a cash payment?

But charging $1280 is just asinine.

Parents: Have you faced similar problems before? Have other airlines been more accommodating when you’ve booked with miles, charging a more reasonable rate for a lap infant? Have you bought coach fare tickets and simply forfeited the seat? Have you just shown up at the airport and tried your luck? Or have you found other strategies for getting around these rules? Hit the comments with your tales…

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United Airlines, intent on proving that anything — anything — is for sale, is starting to sell a package of elite-esque services for $25 a pop.

“Premier Line” is the latest in the “Travel Options by United” series of a la carte services available for purchase. Premier Line, starting at $25 per passenger each way, will let passengers:

• check in at the (generally shorter) business class line;
• use the (generally shorter) elite/first class security line;
• board in Seating Area 1, earlier than non-elite coach passengers.

Notably not included: Economy Plus seating.

Once again, United proves that it is willing to sell its lower-level elites down the river. Fly 25,000 miles, and you’ll still have to compete with those willing to pay a handful of bucks. Awesome.

There’s nothing that was once only available through loyalty which can’t be bought for one-shot cash payments. Nothing. They’ll sell you Economy Plus. They’ll sell you early boarding. They’ll sell you bonus miles. It’s all for sale.

On the flip side, United is offering infrequent travelers the opportunity to pay a little extra to get a little more service. Is it worth $25?

So, is this a slap in the face of lower-tier elite members, or a brilliant business decision? Hit the comments. Weigh in.

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For some time, traditional airlines have given the customers who provide them the most revenue a perk: early boarding. United, for example, started off putting its elite members into the first seating area. But at hub airports, there have been instances where nearly every person on board holds elite status. (I once flew from Chicago to DC and the gate agent announced that all but three passengers were in seating area 1… so they boarded old-school, by row.)

Boarding early has one single perk, increasingly important in an era of checked-luggage fees: Early access to the bins. If not for the bins, there would frankly be no reason to board early. You’ll be sitting in an aluminum tube for hours as it is, so why extend the torture? But the bins… the bins! We must win the battle of the bins!

So United is tinkering with its boarding order, beginning tomorrow, November 12, 2008. Via e-mail to customers:

Beginning November 12, our Premier Executive members and Star Alliance Gold guests will board before Seating Area 1 customers through the Economy Lane.

The new boarding order will be as follows: Global Services, 1K and customers sitting in United First will continue to board first through the Red Carpet Lane, followed by our United Business customers.

Our Premier Executive and Star Alliance Gold members will then be invited to board. After all of our most-valued guests are on board and getting settled, the regular boarding process of seating areas 1 through 4 will begin.

We strive to consistently reward you, our premium customers, for your loyalty. We hope that as a Premier Executive and Star Alliance Gold customer, you enjoy this added benefit.

Time for United to switch to letter-coded boarding groups… Obviously they decided they couldn’t downgrade those in group 1 to a different digit, but they now effectively have a group 0 and a group -1. Let’s switch to A through F, then.

In the meantime, the move isn’t garnering universal praise. The sticking point: the phrase “most-valued” in the e-mail above. Por ejemplo, Charles Cooper argues:

By favoring some customers more than others—I am not talking about nice club amenities but rather obvious distinctions being made at the gate—all you really accomplish is the raising up of a few in full view of the rest, and the rest is not going to be happy about it. If United’s goal is to keep their various levels of business and high-end travelers at the expense of their coach trade, then they are doing a great job. There are plenty of other airlines to choose from, enough so that flying United is quite optional.

Perhaps United is being particularly crass with their elitism — and the language they use to describe it — but name one airline in the United States that’s genuinely egalitarian. JetBlue gives their better customers better seats. Ditto Southwest. Seriously: Is any airline not rewarding their best customers?

The problem isn’t rewarding the rainmakers. But it could become problematic if non-elite customers feel slighted.

So has United gone too far in their multi-class system at the gate? Too far in their verbiage, as Cooper suggests? Or will anyone really care? Or even notice? Hit the comments!

Related:
- Faster boarding with an astrophysicist’s touch
- Magic carpet? United adds separate elite boarding area at gates
- Southwest guarantees A-group boarding passes to expensive tickets and elites

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United was going to charge $50 for a second bag, but decided to curtail that and roll it back to $25. Good on ‘em.

Then there’s Delta, which recently merged with Northwest and is trying to align policies and procedures. In this case, they’re taking the lower road plowed by Northwest and imposing a fee for the first checked bag.

Readers may recall that I praised Delta’s logic in charging no fee for the first bag, but charging heftily for the second bag. The former policy kept the occasional checked bag part of the base fee, while heftily penalizing those who travel with the kitchen sink. Seemed reasonable then, still seems so now.

Delta suggests it didn’t see any increase in bookings as a result of the free-first-bag rule, so it deduces that customers weren’t “differentiating Delta as the only major airline not charging for a first checked bag,” according to their press release. (Ignore for the moment that they leave out Southwest, which doesn’t charge ANY baggage fees…) In any case, this is too bad.

Note also that paying a luggage fee doesn’t prevent your suitcase from being inspected by zoo animals: A Delta baggage handler recently opened the cargo doors to find a cheetah roaming around inside. The animal had escaped from its cage. No luggage was harmed, though it was almost certainly sniffed. Anyway…

Then there’s this change, governing carry-on bag size:

Carry-on rules also are changing. Continental recently reduced the allowable linear inches (length, plus height, plus width) from 51 to 45. That puts it in line with the linear inches allowed by American, Delta and Northwest. AirTran allows up to 55 linear inches, US Airways’ limit is 51 linear inches and Southwest’s limit is 50 linear inches. Many airlines also limit the weight of carry-ons to 40 pounds.

Expect these numbers to shrink, too, and expect airlines to start adding a fee for “oversize” carry-ons. They know that people are avoiding checked luggage because of the fee, and they’ll want their money one way or the other. That day is coming.

And just for the record, with oil trading around $60 per barrel today, the fuel-expense argument rings hollow for these luggage expenses.

My e-mail inbox lit up with angry customers sending in the messages they received from UA. Special thanks to Patrick, Antonio, Zé, Sean, Dave, and the several anonymous folks who wrote in; it’s clear this set of changes is striking a particularly painful note.

So what’s changing? Miles required for free tickets: going up. Upgrades with miles: now with a co-payment. Elites get thrown a minor bone: 500-mile minimum reinstated for short flights, but only if you’re a Mileage Plus Premier or higher.

To the details:

“Free” tickets: Mileage Devaluation
For those who cash in miles for 25,000 domestic economy class tickets, there’s no meaningful change. But for those who try to get a little better value for their miles (and if you’re gonna play the game, you might as well play it right, if I may paraphrase Kenny Rogers), you’re in for some disappointment.

Except for the domestic economy ticket, it’s all going to cost you more. Most economy tickets to other parts of the world are going up 5000. But it gets really brutal in business and first class: 25,000 more miles to fly business to Europe. 25,000 more to fly business to Australia. 30,000 more to fly business to Japan. 35,000 more for other parts of Asia.

This is huge inflation, and it’s being applied inconsistently: Some routes are getting absolutely smacked, while others (like domestic economy) are either ignored or barely touched.

For the before-and-after, compare the old chart and the new chart.

Upgrades: Now accompanied with cash!
American Airlines got this bad idea rolling, but United is “perfecting” it. Fees of $50 in the Lower 48, but up to $500 ON TOP OF miles for Hawaii or international flights. On the plus side, you can upgrade any ticket starting July 1, 2009, regardless of booking class. (Previously, it was just the highest fares that were eligible for upgrade.) But what’s not clear is why some tickets might cost $250 to upgrade, while others cost $500. (Details are promised as the July 1 implementation date gets closer. I doubt they know, yet, what they’re planning.) Note that these are co-pays each way. And note also that upgrading from paid business to first doesn’t cost you squat. But if you’re moving from economy to business or first, using miles for upgrades is a much harder sale. See the whole list of fees here.

500-mile minimum
If you’re an elite with UA, you get your 500-mile minimum mileage earn on short flights. Nice: they’re reinstating the minimum earning levels retroactively. But… If you’re not an elite, enjoy your piddly accrual, sucka.

We’re pissing on you and calling it rain
Most offensively, here’s how they phrase the changes in their e-mail: “The changes to the Mileage Plus program for 2009 will reward our premium customers with highly competitive benefits, while responding to increased demand for United’s new international first- and business-class cabins.” Yes, we all feel rewarded with benefits, don’t we?

One note: You can avoid these higher rates and new fees by booking before December 31, 2008. Do it. Spend ‘em. Go. Do it now.

See also Gary Leff and lucky for their takes on the changes to UA MP. The reviews are in. It ain’t pretty.

At the conference, Delta Air Lines Inc. president and chief financial officer Ed Bastian told investors that Delta should report a third-quarter gain from its fuel hedging activities. That contrasts with UAL Corp., parent of United Airlines Inc., which warned Wednesday that it will record noncash hedging losses of more than $500 million as it records the drop in the market value of its hedges.

A-ha. That helps explain why United is raising fees even in the midst of dropping oil prices. Brilliant. They mess up their investments, but they penalize the customer and blame the oil market. Spin, spin, spin.

So where’s the bailout for the airlines that lost money?

I’m only half-kidding. Given what’s happened in the last week in our financial markets, I would be dismayed, but unfortunately not surprised, if United (or other airlines that are hemorrhaging cash) would come to the US Treasury, hat in hand, asking to be relieved of their debts and obligations.

While they’re at it, why not shut down the oil futures market, like they were lobbying for a few weeks ago?

The taxpayer would be on the hook for another $700 billion blank check of good money chasing after bad. After all what’s another currency-crushing socialization of corporate losses that saddles future generations with unimaginable debts, when you’re already knee-deep bailing out your corporate friends?

Related:
- Oil is lower. Will airline fees be dropped?
- Airlines, unable to manage risk, scapegoat oil markets
- United, addicted to oil excuse, raises checked bag fee

Elite beggars staying at five star hotels
A sweep of Abu Dhabi for beggars during the month of Ramadan has found some particularly successful panhandlers staying at some of the city’s top hotels. Clearly, if they’re making the kind of bank that puts them in the Ritz, I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I should have put in that limit order to buy UAUA at a penny.

Boston fires up the juice
Benet Wilson, who admits that she travels with a power strip, reports that Boston’s Logan International Airport has added 520 power outlets and 520 USB ports under terminal seats and tables for you to charge your electronics. The juice isn’t everywhere yet, but you’ll find it at Terminals A, C and E and near Gate 37 in Terminal B. And yes, the airport is looking for companies to sponsor the power outlets, so the juice stays on and free.

But the car already HAD Bondo on it when I rented it!
You gotta appreciate the renter’s moxie here:

The blue Ford Focus left the lot back in June. The renter paid every 30 days until the middle of August. Rental Manager Brittany Aldrich reported it stolen Tuesday and the car showed up the next day damaged, to say the least. But the damage had been “fixed” by the renter, with Bondo and blue spray paint.

Fuel surcharges CAN be reversed
Air France/KLM and El Al are doing the unthinkable: They’re rolling back the fuel surcharges that they tacked on weeks ago. So is Singapore Airlines. Now that oil has slid back, closer to $100 than to $150, the charges were no longer justified. Could you see that sort of thing happening among U.S. airlines? Neither can I. Hmm, that brings us to…

Continental adds a fee for the first checked bag, worsens OnePass program
Citing higher fuel costs, cough cough, Continental has added a $15 fee for those checking their first bag, eliminated the 500-frequent-flyer-mile minimum, reduced elite bonuses, and raised the mileage cost for frequent flyer ticket redemptions on certain routes. What a surprise.