“Fees don’t fly with us” — so goes the ad for Southwest. But is Southwest Airlines backing off its no-fee promises?

The company, which recently announced a quarterly loss (a real outlier in an otherwise profit-studded corporate history) renewed its vows to not charge for luggage fees. By not charging for the first or second bag, Southwest is really on its own in this market.

But it seems they’re starting to get jealous of the other airlines’ fee fetishes. CEO Gary Kelly hinted at future fees and optional add-ons:

“We would much prefer to explore opportunities to provide more service to customers and give them the choice to spend more money with Southwest Airlines,” he said. “Our frequent-flier program and Southwest.com both position us well to pursue that strategy.”

That’s still very vague. But it’s a disappointment to many who champion Southwest as the airline who won’t nickel-and-dime its customers.

But it shouldn’t really be a surprise. A few weeks ago, Southwest rolled out Early-Bird Check-in for a fee. (Once Southwest started suing the websites that checked you in automatically, you could see this fee coming.) But many are still saddened by Southwest’s evolution into a “normal” airline.

And if Joe Brancatelli’s recent analysis holds water, it may be a losing strategy for Southwest to pursue fees. As Joe notes, the airlines with the greatest revenue losses are the ones with the greatest reliance on bag fees and add-ons. Read the whole thing.

So is Southwest backing off on its “Fees don’t fly with us” spin? Will they be retracting ads like this one?

Upgraded: Room rate guarantees
In a continuing escalation of the war between the online travel agencies, Orbitz has added their Price Assurance guarantee to hotel reservations. If you book a room, and then someone else uses Orbitz to book the same hotel, with the same class of hotel room and on the same dates, and the price has dropped since you booked it, you get a refund. That’s a lot of if’s! This is not as robust as Yapta’s effort to track hotel room rates, but it’s an improvement, nonetheless.

Upgraded: Coffee on Southwest
Southwest Airlines is cranking out an improved brew on its flights. They are quick to remind customers that they’re still not charging a fee for the pleasure of arabica beans at 35,000 feet.

Downgraded: Coffee on Northwest
Back on the ground, a Northwest Airlines flight attendant charged with tending to an unaccompanied minor allegedly took an 8-year old to Starbucks. The flight attendant allegedly gave the girl a venti coffee loaded with cream and sugar, which made her sick. “I told her I was tired and she took me to Starbucks and said, ‘Go order a large coffee.’ She made me pay with my own money.” Why would anyone give an eight-year old, who is about to get into a plane, coffee? I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that an airline employee had slipped the kid a Benadryl, frankly, but giving an 8-year old a giant coffee makes no sense. Northwest says the story “doesn’t match their records.”

Upgraded: Stories of irate passengers
Every time I think the latest story of a passenger gone wild on an aircraft is the winner, there’s a new story that takes the crown. And I quote: “A British woman allegedly had an in-flight meal of prescription drugs, wine and liquid soap — before trying to bite the crew of a London-bound jetliner. Galina Rusanova punched and kicked flight attendants on the Chicago-based United Airlines flight after downing two or three bottles of wine, prescription drugs and liquid soap from the jet’s lavatory, prosecutors said.”

Upgraded: Nonstops to see Yakov Smirnoff
Upgraded: Airline monopolies
Branson, Missouri! America’s low-rent Vegas! No, gambling or smut, but you can get Soviet Union jokes o’plenty! But this Ozark mecca of entertainment has-beens finally has its own airport. It apparently bears the distinction of being America’s first privately-owned airport with commercial service, and it was built without federal transportation funds. The flipside of this savings to the taxpayer: The airport can negotiate exclusivity on routes. If airlines have exclusive contracts for service for a delimited timeframe, “That’s a major incentive to an airline because they know they won’t have to duke it out over fares with anyone.” In English, we call that monopoly.

Downgraded: United unplugs customer complaint phone line
The Indian call center that took United Airlines passenger compliments or complaints is being shut down, in favor of going entirely e-mail. “United spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said the airline is able to respond better to customers who write, since they often include more detail, making it possible to provide a more specific response.” Not to mention that sending a form letter response is faster than having a real conversation. And I’m positive every disgruntled passenger appreciates the convenience of requiring them to take the time to write, rather than make a quick call from the road… Sure.

Upgraded: Transatlantic deals on Virgin Atlantic
Virgin Atlantic has a great sale going on right now over the pond, with economy fares as low as $453 round trip including taxes, and premium economy for as low as $675. Best part: No advance purchase. Buy today, leave today! But fares aren’t just last-minute fares, either. But no summer fares. You’ll find the cheapest prices from Feb 11, 2009 – Mar 22, 2009 or Oct 22, 2009 – Nov 30, 2009.

Downgraded: $0 airfares
I’ve always felt that companies should honor the prices they publish. And in an era of airlines that pay you to fly them, why wouldn’t a passenger think that a $0 airfare (plus taxes) was legit? Alas, tickets booked on Northwest at that last Wednesday fare aren’t being honored, unless the passengers are already mid-trip.

Upgraded: Inflight wi-fi live on Southwest
If you’re flying Southwest today (Wednesday, Feb. 11), check to see if you’re flying on aircraft #901. It’s the first plane equipped with inflight wi-fi. The plane is routed OAK-ONT-PHX-SAN-OAK-SNA-PHX-OAK-PHX. And while the service is being tested, the wi-fi is free.

Downgraded: Reading, Geography, Responsibility
A Thomas Cook travel agent mistakenly booked a passenger to San Juan, Puerto Rico, instead of San Jose, Costa Rica. SJU instead of SJO. Bad mistake. But didn’t the traveler bear any responsibility to check the tickets — or heck, figure this out at the departure airport?? I love her quote, though: “I looked around the airport, saw posters of Puerto Rico everywhere, and thought: ‘What am I going to do? Where is Puerto Rico? Where am I?’” Yes, “where is Puerto Rico.”

Downgraded: Surprise
Headline: “Surprising number of companies cut travel spending.” Umm, “surprising”? Have USA Today’s editors been so insulated from the economic crisis that they’re shocked that travel spending is cut back?

If you ever flew Southwest and had a particularly perky flight attendant who inspired thoughts of “What are they drinking?” then the video below may go some way toward explaining the “fun” at Southwest.

1980s-liciousness, with former CEO Herb Kelleher doing his best to try to be ironic/cool while bustin’ rhymes, a dancing guy in a plane suit, and human resources managers explaining employee insurance benefits through rap.

Wow. Just, wow.

Every company needs an employee rap video. Clearly.

Hat tip to Consumerist for digging this one up.

Downgraded: New York aviation landmarks
There are a handful of routes where pilots use land markers to guide their approach for landing. New York’s LaGuardia is one of them, and they’re about to lose a key marker: Shea Stadium, the home of the Mets, is being demolished. The use of these physical markers, seen from the sky, is kind of quaint. I recall flying into LaGuardia (on a different approach path) and listening to Channel 9 on United (which lets you listen in on the cockpit conversations with the tower). The tower’s instructions were something like “Turn left at the Statue of Liberty and fly up the river.” Awesome.

Downgraded: Flights to Pakistan
A note to any passengers flying to Pakistan: British Airways has indefinitely canceled its flights to Islamabad, in the wake of the Marriott hotel bombing. BA’s FAQ page for passengers with flights to Pakistan is here. Joe Brancatelli suggests that travelers to the region avoid US and UK airlines and hotels, and consider companies that cater to Japanese travelers instead.

Upgraded: Elite lines at American Airlines… and Southwest
American Airlines is rolling out the red carpets for their elite frequent flyers. Literally. Starting September 30, at select airports, you’ll find check-in lines, security lines, and boarding lines. (Before anyone gets upset: The TSA doesn’t control the security lines, the airports and airlines do. See here for a defense of the process.) I’m not frequently on board AA planes, so I’m not an elite with them. But I’m shocked that this isn’t already out there for AA flyers. Other airlines have been doing this for years. Years! More shocking, though also, not entirely: Southwest is rolling out elite lines, too.

Upgraded: Continental, caving, brings back the 500-mile minimum
An anonymous commenter brought it up early, and it’s since confirmed: Continental is reversing itself and granting passengers a minimum of 500 frequent flyer miles on flights under that distance.

Downgraded: Presidential candidate air travel
It’s not just you. Sometimes, even presidential hopefuls are diverted and grounded by mechanical delays. Barack Obama got diverted to St. Louis, instead of flying on to Charlotte, because of inflight mechanical problems with his campaign’s MD-80 — a plane that was formerly Hillary Clinton’s campaign plane. (His Boeing 757 is in the shop. Seriously.)

Downgraded: Delta’s SkyMiles
Delta has followed on US Airways’ steps in the continuing race to the bottom by slapping fees on frequent flyer tickets. They couch it as a fuel surcharge, which, as I have argued before, should just be considered a cost of business and included in the base fare.

Downgraded: Supply. Soon: Demand
All those reductions in airline schedules are working their way into the system, reducing the available seats. A lot. In Chicago alone, reductions amount to 322,084 fewer seats for sale in the month of November. Expect fares to go up even more as supply shrinks, to the point that demand will peter out, too. Supply, meet demand. Nice to meet you. (At least you might get a cheaper hotel room…)

Downgraded: Vouchers
Vouchers suck. They always have, much like mail-in rebates suck. But this primer on how much vouchers really suck is a good reminder of why this quasi-currency, often doled out by airlines when they screw up, is a royal pain in the butt to redeem.

Upgraded: TSA uniforms
Downgraded: Real law enforcement officers’ happiness
Over the past few months, TSA officers have been getting new uniforms, with blue shirts and (most controversially) a badge. The problem is the badge: In the opinion of many law enforcement officers, the badge confers an authority — symbolic, implied, and assumed by most people — on TSOs which they haven’t earned, weren’t trained for, and could be tempted to abuse. Judging by the defensive vitriol expressed by TSA officers in the comments thread on my original post from August 2007 announcing the new uniforms, this really is a sore spot for both real cops and TSA. I can understand the TSA’s desire for a more professional appearance (”Psychologists who have researched the effects of official-looking uniforms and badges find that they do indeed tend to make people more compliant”) but I fear that the badge — even if it carries as much arrest authority as an “official bikini inspector” badge — is only going to go their heads and lead to more arbitrary selective enforcement. Yay.

Upgraded: Southwest and WestJet
Southwest will be codesharing with Canada’s chief discount carrier WestJet. Much like the old codesharing deal with now-bankrupt ATA, this means Southwest customers will be able to buy tickets to a broader range of destinations, now including international locales. And WestJet has seatback televisions, so that’s an upgrade from the Southwest experience. Sounds like a good deal. But don’t hold your breath: The partnership requires government approval, and is slated for rollout in late 2009.

First it was Boeing’s failed Connexion service (R.I.P.). But in recent months, inflight internet is making a comeback. There was JetBlue’s announcement of a Yahoo/Blackberry inflight internet service. Then last week, Southwest announced that they would be rolling out wi-fi internet access onboard a limited number of their planes in coming months. Then, this week, Continental followed suit with a JetBlue style TV and limited internet service. The similarity to JetBlue’s product isn’t coincidental: They’re buying the service from a JetBlue subsidiary.

The Southwest internet announcement was more interesting, because it was real internet, and not limited to Yahoo or Blackberry. Still, I had some questions. Today, I’ve got some answers from the heart of Southwest HQ.

The biggest deal: No voice. Not even Voice-over-IP. Just try and use your Skype connection. I dare you. Double-dog dare you. Southwest has got you blocked, sucka.

Q: Will passengers know in advance which routes will have the wi-fi capability?
A: Maybe. Noncommittal. “Nothing is concrete yet.”

Q: Will voice features, e.g., the portal for Skype, be turned on, or off?
A: OFF. Southwest will be blocking VoIP. “We’ll have more than enough bandwidth to support e-mail and IM…great SILENT communication options!”

Q: Any plans to consider cellphone capability?
A: Not at this time. (Whew!)

Q: Any plans to bundle wi-fi with the “business” fares now offered?
A: No word yet on the pricing. TBA.

Related:
- JetBlue starts testing inflight internet next week
- Feed the Internet addiction: American Airlines will roll out high-speed inflight wi-fi next year
- It’s official: Boeing pulling the plug on its inflight internet service, Connexion
- “No Cellphones” light to be added to aircraft interiors

(image)

Upgraded: Inflight internet on Southwest
I’m convinced 2009 will be the year inflight internet really takes off, but 2008 is the year of inflight internet rollouts. Next to announce: Southwest! Partnering with Row 44, the airline plans to roll out inflight wi-fi — including VPN access, which is a plus for those hoping to hook up to the company network — in four planes this summer. So how about power outlets? Which leads us to…

Downgraded: London Heathrow Terminal 5
New terminal? Great! But the new facility has no power outlets for public use! What were they thinking? Clearly not designed with travelers in mind.

Downgraded: Non-EU residents on Ryanair
European zero-frills powerhouse Ryanair charges extra fees if you don’t check in online. But they don’t permit non-EU and non-EEA passport-holders to check in online. That’s most everyone in the world who’s getting a surtax. Oh sure, you can apply for a refund, but the burden is on you, the traveler. Lovely, as always, Ryanair. See here for the scoop.

(image)

Downgraded: Monkey life-chances
I really can’t add more than this fine opening sentence: “A small monkey stashed in a man’s hat during a flight to New York has died, but federal health authorities don’t know why.”

Upgraded: Vengeful idiots
A passenger who missed his Southwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Hartford decided to tell the airline that a bomb was on board. How nice. After an emergency landing in Omaha, no bomb was found on board flight 1018. If ever anyone deserved to be put on the no-fly list, it’s this guy. Class act.

Downgraded: Skybus
Many airlines cancel flights due to mechanical issues, but when you don’t have a lot of planes to begin with, the effects are multiplied. No-frills upstart Skybus canceled 18 flights over two days, when two of its planes were grounded. 1000 people were affected.

Downgraded: United
United canceled hundreds of flights, mostly out of O’Hare, this past week, blaming the weather. The only problem is that the weather wasn’t the problem. According to the pilots’ union and media reports, it’s short-staffing. Other airlines weren’t hit the same way, on similar routes, so it’s fair to question the company’s weather-related excuses. For those travelers who were affected, though, this is one of those instances where your rights vary, depending on the reason for the delay. If it was staffing, then United should have rebooked passengers on other airlines (Rule 240). But if the airline can blame the weather, then passengers are out of luck. So guess which one the company is blaming?

Bonus: 180 passengers got evacuated after a United 757 got stuck in the mud when it made a wrong turn in Kansas City.

Upgraded: Malls, pretending to be airports
This past week, I visited the Natick Mall in Massachusetts, where I stopped in at the American Express Cardmembers’ Lounge. I had heard of these mall lounges before, but it was my first time seeing it live and in color. Sure enough, it’s like a medium-sized airport lounge, with free cofee drinks, snacks, magazines, internet access, and a phone charging station. But unlike airports, this lounge has free gift wrapping services. A nice complimentary perk for Amex cardholders, even those who aren’t paying annual fees. Unfortunately, the lounges close on December 31. I truly wonder what it ended costing Amex to run this thing.

Upgraded: The IRS
People apparently would rather pay their taxes than submit to airport security. The TSA ranked lower than the IRS in a satisfaction survey. (FEMA ranked even lower, after the Hurricane Katrina fiasco.)

Upgraded: The Dangers of Pie
Add another reason why the TSA isn’t winning the popularity contests. Once again, this holiday season, people transporting pies were given a hard time at airport security checkpoints. This happened before, and TSA Director Kip Hawley declared that pie was not a liquid. But apparently, it could still be a plastic explosive. I give up. (Thanks, Jess!)

(image)

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. And I’m giving thanks that I’m not traveling this holiday. But in the spirit of the season, how about an upgrade/downgrade cornucopia:

Downgraded: Hooters Style
Kyla Ebbert, the Southwest miniskirt bandit, has posed for Playboy. Glad to know she wasn’t in it for the publicity. Nah, never… What took her so long?

Upgraded: Carry-on rules for UK travel
The UK may — may — allow passengers to have more than one carry-on item again, if airports demonstrate their ability to handle the load. If they pass muster, airports will be greenlighted starting January 7, 2008.

Upgraded: Weight-based airfare proposals
An Australian doctor is proposing airfare based on your weight. Not a particularly practical policy for advance purchases, but heck, hotels have tried it, so why not.

Downgraded: American Airlines’ flight tracking
What did AA do to keep up with the list of 130 diverted flights on December 29, 2006? It kept a list on a legal-sized notepad. Way to work the high tech! (via Consumerist)

Upgraded: Elitism on Greyhound
Greyhound, taking a page from the Skybus playbook, is charging $5 for early boarding on its buses. It’s not a bus with free wifi, but it’s a start, I guess.

Downgraded: Merger Mania
Yes, Delta and United are in play for a merger. Sure, Delta said the airlines weren’t talking. But their stockholders (hedge funds) were. So who the heck knows if this will actually happen. We’ve seen this thing before (United-Continental? US Airways-Delta?) and it hasn’t happened. Bottom line: airlines are making record profits, despite record fuel prices, and yet they still keep arguing for a need to cut capacity and raise fares, which is most easily effected through a merger. This makes no sense on so many levels. I remain opposed to airline mergers, like a broken record.