Upgraded: Pilot air rage
Downgraded: 37 people’s on-time travel
Sure, it’s amusing that a pilot got so frustrated at having to pass through security at London City Airport that he pulled down his pants, exposed himself completely, and demanded, “‘Do you want to search THIS?” But if I were one of the 37 passengers waiting to fly to Zurich, I might be a little ticked that someone got all high and mighty at the prospect of being searched at an airport. Yeah, it’s security theater. We all have to do it. Get in line, skipper.

Upgraded: Continental (gasp!) removes fees from the OnePass program
Continental, which is joining Star Alliance (and leaving SkyTeam) as of its first flights on October 25, is going against the grain and (gasp!) removing fees and restrictions from frequent flyer tickets in their OnePass program. Gary Leff points to a FlyerTalk thread, in which a Continental representative spills the beans. Changes made to frequent flyer tickets, if initiated 21+ days before the start of travel, will be free as long as the departure and destination are the same. Now, if only you could actually get tickets at the SaverPass level…

Upgraded: JetBlue cuts a break to the unemployed
It started in Europe, now it’s hit North America: If you lose your job, JetBlue will give you a refund.

Upgraded: Bump scheduling
Downgraded: Bump compensation
Air Canada will let you put yourself on the bump list in advance, in case a flight is overbooked, but in terms of cash, it’s a lousy deal. At best, they’ll let you earn up to $57 CAD or USD per one-way flight, including connections. That’s at least half of what you’d be getting if you were bumped at the gate. the tradeoff: You get to choose your alternate flight in advance. Maybe that works for you. They’re upgrading the options, but downgrading the payment. (via Cranky)

You’re looking at a $240,000 shirt. At least that’s what it cost the TSA and JetBlue. The shirt’s owner (and wearer), Iraqi-American Raed Jarrar, received a sizable settlement from the government and the airline last month.

Why the payment? Long-time readers may remember this case from an earlier post:

JetBlue and a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) official, identified as “Inspector Harris,” would not let Raed Jarrar board his flight at John F. Kennedy Airport until he agreed to cover his t-shirt, which read “We Will Not Be Silent” in English and Arabic script. Harris told Jarrar that it is impermissible to wear an Arabic shirt to an airport and equated it to a “person wearing a t-shirt at a bank stating, ‘I am a robber.’”

Lovely metaphor. Added bonus: Jarrar says that, after he relented and donned an additional shirt, jetBlue tore up his boarding pass, which had him seated near the front, and gave him a new boarding pass to sit at the very back of the plane. How nice of them — and how symbolic.

The airline and the TSA admitted no wrongdoing, though they agreed to the payment:

Neither the Transportation Safety Administration officials or JetBlue admitted having done anything wrong, and the settlement agreement states that it “is not an admission of liability or fault or wrongdoing or responsibility.”

The agreement says that the government employees, Garfield Harris and Franco Trotta, “disavow any allegation” that they had violated Mr. Jarrar’s rights, and said that “their actions were at all times reasonable and within their discretion and authority.”

Bryan Baldwin, a spokesman for the airline, said the company was “pleased” with the settlement, although it denied Mr. Jarrar’s version of events. The company settled, Mr. Baldwin said, “to stop incurring future legal cost.”

Not admitting responsibility? Fine. But money talks. And hopefully both the government and the airlines (not just JetBlue) will wise up from this experience, and can teach their employees that shirts aren’t dangerous, regardless of whether or not you understand what’s written on them.

Related:
- Dangerous shirts see their day in court
- Would an anti-Tony Blair shirt get me in trouble in the U.S.?
- Short hops – August 23, 2006 – JetBlue rewards one flyer a free t-shirt (in exchange for his civil liberties)

Fantastic: Reader David received this e-mail from JetBlue, begging him to book some tickets. Here’s the lead:

“Dear Mr. Soandso?” So and so?

The airline realized its rather impersonal mistake and sent a message to David shortly thereafter, apologizing…

We are so sorry. Recently we sent some of our valued TrueBlue members an email that was incorrectly addressed due to a technical issue with our database.

Please accept our apologies for this error and any offense it may have caused.

Technical issue? Yeah, sure, the computer decided to call David “Mr. Soandso.” Time to write to the CEO, David Barger:

Dear Slick,

Thanks for the e-mail, Champ. I enjoyed the personalization of your last message, Boss, and hope to fly your airline soon, Cap’n. I sure am feelin’ the love, Chief.

Hope you’re keepin’ it real, Ace!

Best regards, yadda yadda yadda,

Mr. Guy, a.k.a. Slick, Dude, Slim, Coach, El Jefe, and, of course, Mr. Soandso

For those who’ve sat next to the toilet on a long flight, take heart: At least you weren’t sitting ON the toilet for the flight. This story seems too good to be true, if by “good,” we mean comedy gold, reinforcing our already nasty impression of American aviation.

A New York City man is suing JetBlue Airways Corp. for more than $2 million because he says a pilot made him give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet for more than three hours on a flight from California.

Gokhan Mutlu, of Manhattan’s Inwood section, says in court papers the pilot told him to “go ‘hang out’ in the bathroom” about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the “jump seat” she was assigned was uncomfortable, the lawsuit said.

Awesome. I don’t know if this is really true, but for the sake of airline-hell story one-upsmanship, I’m really hoping it is.

Mr. Mutlu was traveling on a “buddy pass,” a perk given to airline employees (in lieu of job security, salary, pension, and other accoutrements) which lets friends travel for close to free. But a low fare (which is what a buddy pass effectively is) doesn’t mean you have to sit on the toilet. Especially since that’s a safety issue:

The aircraft hit turbulence and passengers were directed to return to their seats, but “the plaintiff had no seat to return to, sitting on a toilet stool with no seat belts,” court papers say.

Some time later, a male flight attendant knocked on the restroom door and told Mutlu he could return to his original seat, court papers say.

Would it have been okay if a female flight attendant had knocked, instead?

Mutlu’s lawsuit, filed Friday in Manhattan’s state Supreme Court, says JetBlue negligently endangered him by not providing him with a seat with a safety belt or harness, in violation of federal law.

JetBlue’s courtroom strategy may resort to a counter-accusation: that Mutlu tampered with the lavatory smoke detectors while in there. And perhaps he ignored lighted signs and placards, too. Take that, safety video!

Thanks to reader J for the early heads-up!

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Philosophical wordplay or dadaist corporate speak? JetBlue claims it’s not creating a first or business class cabin on its planes. But it does plan to “offer passengers in the first few rows and emergency exit seats of its larger aircraft additional space for an added fee.”

Hmm. Additional space. Higher price. And yet: “We’re not going to a two-cabin airplane,” CEO David Barger says.

Oh, right. You’re missing the free cocktail. Fine, don’t call it first class, then. Call it premium economy.

Or maybe it’s not two “cabins,” because a carpeted bulkhead divider won’t be introduced.

Or maybe they’re not “going” to a two-cabin airplane because they’re already there, with expensive tickets already getting access to seats with more legroom.

Ooh, Barger, you cunning wordsmith, you’re good! Or is it “bad”?

Related:
- JetBlue increases legroom, creates de facto premium section
- JetBlue introduces premium economy cabin after all
- Wilkommen! Bienvenue! JetBlue to go Euro-style with a first class cabin?
- How do you search for premium economy fares?
- Demystifying premium economy

It’s been a tough week, so forgive my absence online. I’m just starting to dig through the e-mails and comments, so if you sent me a message, please bear with me while I catch up. Speaking of catch-up…

Downgraded: Channel 9
For those who have flown United Airlines, you may be familiar with Channel 9, the inflight entertainment feature that lets you hear the conversations between the pilots and air traffic control. There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who get it, and those who don’t. I’m a fan, and I have always appreciated the openness and lifting-of-the-curtain that the channel provides. Of course, I hardly ever fly United any more, so I might as well use the past tense in describing it myself. When things seem amiss (like a powerful jolt of turbulence) it’s nice to hear know what’s going on. My affection for channel 9 is probably balanced out by the naysayers who ask why the hell anyone would want to hear that stuff, or who would rather NOT know how airline pilots actually do their job. The naysayers may have their day, though, as reports are increasing that Channel 9 is turned off more and more. The Wall Street Journal’s Scott McCartney even devoted a weekly column to the subject, and his sources indicate that some pilots are intentionally keeping Channel 9 turned off as a protest against United management. Well that’s just lovely. Take one of the last (positive) things that makes UA unique, and destroy it. Another nail in United’s coffin.

Upgraded: Eos going domestic?
Eos, the swanky all-business class airline, plans to expand beyond its New York JFK to London Stansted route. First there was the addition of Newark flights to London. Then London to Dubai. And now, there’s word that Eos wants to introduce flights to “Western U.S. destinations.” But whereto?

Upgraded: Salt Lake City security
At the Salt Lake City airport, the TSA is running a pilot program and allowing passengers to self-categorize themselves as beginners, intermediates, or experts, as pertains to security. Interestingly, the “beginner” stage includes families and special needs travelers. Different needs, sure, but “beginners”? I like the ski-slope coding scheme (black diamond = expert), but it’ll be interesting to see if passengers actually categorize themselves correctly.

Upgraded, sorta: JetBlue inflight meals
Downgraded: Your peace and quiet
JetBlue will give you a free breakfast laden with Kraft cream cheese, as part of a buzz-building campaign for a reformulated light spread. Some flights even have Kraft representatives in white tuxedos chatting up the flight, pimping the cheese. Classy. The free bagel and cream cheese? Fine. But a sales schtick you can’t escape? Two thumbs way, way down. (Marketplace, via Rick Seaney)

Downgraded: go! Airlines’ pilots’ caffeine rush
Inter-island capitalization-challenged Hawaiian airline go! treated its passengers to a little extra flight mileage on board their Canadair torture machine regional jet, when both the pilot and the co-pilot apparently fell asleep during a flight from Honolulu to Hilo. I couldn’t imagine falling asleep during such a short flight, even as a passenger. But both pilots falling asleep? Mechanical errors have been ruled out. Those pilots’ seats must be comfy. Or maybe someone slipped them a decaf instead of a triple-shot of regular?

Downgraded: London Heathrow
British Airways economy and premium economy passengers at Heathrow’s terminal 4 were told they could only fly on February 20 if they had no checked baggage. What? Again: Passenger wishing to check bags were prohibited from flying. Why? Because the airport’s luggage handling system had failed. And note that this is the terminal where BA’s long-haul flights tend to begin, so you’re not just hitting the folks who are daytripping on business. Great work, team. (Thanks, Hamish!)