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Downgraded: Alaska Airlines miles
Alaska Airlines is the latest to cut the lifespan of frequent flyer miles. “Effective April 1, 2008, accounts with no mileage activity for the previous 2 years will become inactive and the miles will be removed from the account. Any mileage earning or award redemption activity on your account will keep it active.” You’ve been warned. (Thanks, Boaz!)

Upgraded: Corporate excuses for illegal activity
Legal news: “The legal dispute between Hawaiian Airlines and Mesa Air Group took an unexpected turn this week when Mesa attorneys told a US Bankruptcy Court in Honolulu that CFO Peter Murnane mistakenly deleted files related to the case as he attempted to purge pornography from his computer.” What is this, the Homer Simpson defense?

Upgraded: The nanny state
Downgraded: Inflight entertainment for anyone over 12
Heath Shuler, Democrat of North Carolina, wants the federal government to regulate inflight movies, which he says have become too violent. I haven’t seen anything too violent on an overhead screen, so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. I have seen some saucy stuff on the in-seat TV’s. If he doesn’t like overhead movies, fly an airline that doesn’t have overhead movies. Like Southwest. But look at the upside: If this bill passes (which I don’t think it will) then the airlines might be incentivized to roll out more in-seat monitors. Maybe? Please? Fingers crossed?

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Upgraded, finally: Lufthansa economy-class entertainment
Lufthansa’s calculus has always seemed to be, “Should we give placate people in economy class with decent in-seat entertainment, or should we liquor them up for free? Let’s go with the liquor!” (Other airlines, say, Virgin Atlantic, have managed to do both, but let’s set that aside…) They’re finally reconsidering the entertainment options, if only on three routes. Still: Thank the heavens. My favorite real-world example of bad Lufthansa inflight video, broadcast on those overhead screens: A decade-old episode of the German crime drama “Derrick,” with an episode title that translated to “Rose on a Dump.” I’m not making this up. (Couldn’t they have shown the episode “Pornocchio” instead?)

Upgraded: Airbus A380 delivery dates
Singapore Airlines, the first airline to take delivery of its Airbus A380 mega-jumbo, is officially taking delivery of the plane on October 15, 2007. The first flight, from Singapore to Sydney, is scheduled for October 25.

Downgraded: The real Virgin America story
Virgin America knows how to play the PR game. No news there. But when the chips are down, they still need to figure out their schedule and customer service. But hey, the entertainment is decent. Mark Johnson of Jaunted flew a PR-free flight with Virgin America last week, and has the full report.

Downgraded: Charlotte security
Upgraded: Charlotte’s ability to bounce back
Charlotte Airport TSA agents let someone through security without screening. Flights delayed, passengers inconvenienced, etc., etc. But one thing I can tell you: The delays weren’t long-lasting. Later that same day, I caught a flight from Charlotte to LaGuardia, and it was all fine.

Downgraded: Hotel bathroom amenities
The China recalls keep rolling in. And now, hotel amenities are due for the seemingly inevitable report of poison. Gilchrist and Soames toothpaste is conveniently flavored with antifreeze. (I’ve seen G&C products, but never their toothpaste. My loss.) Better check that bag or box of mini-soaps, shampoos, etc. that the frequent traveler inevitably has stashed in their home. Toss the ‘paste.

Downgraded: Bellsouth/AT&T
It’s hard to blog without an internet connection. The BellSouth idiots first mistakenly shut down our dial tone but kept the DSL running. We called for service. They came, turned on dial tone, and shut down the DSL. Thanks. Great. Not once — not once — has BellSouth (now merged and rebranded AT&T) gotten one thing right on this phone line on the first try.

Downgraded: Any last smidgen of credibility for inflight radio interviews
If you’ve ever flipped through the inflight audio dial on American Airlines, you’ll know that there’s a channel (#9) devoted to “interviews.” University of Chicago economist and Freakonomics author Steve Levitt was invited to participate… for the low, low price of $3995.00. I honestly never gave those interviews advertorials much of a listen, but the participants pay-to-play? And for that much?? Wow. ZERO credibility. (Thanks, Dr. Vino!)

Upgraded, possibly: The international airport welcome wagon
The U.S. Senate has passed a bill expanding the “model airport” program to other international ports of entry.

In April, the DHS designated Houston’s Bush International Airport as the first “model” port of entry, adding multilingual signs and informational videos narrated in Spanish, French, German and English to guide arriving travelers through the customs and immigration process. Arriving visitors are also presented with a “Welcome to the U.S.” brochure.

Unclear if general tone of the arrivals halls will feel any less like a police station, what with the fingerprinting and generally gruff attitude of every employee, but here’s hoping it helps.

Downgraded: British Airways’ standing among royal Qataris
Members of Qatar’s royal family were kicked off a British Airways flight for not following safety procedures, when they refused to take their seats. Why wouldn’t they sit? “After boarding, the women complained about the seats they had been allocated because they were next to men they did not know.” Setting aside the culture clash: None of this would have happened if British Airways would actually allow advance seat assignments for passengers on fares lower than the most expensive tickets. (Given their seating concerns, I imagine the royals flew discounted business business class.)

Downgraded: Your privacy (who knew it could be downgraded more?)
Under an expanded security agreement between the US and the EU, gobs and gobs of personal data can and will be shared with governments. If asked, airlines will be required to hand over any information they collect from you. Ask for a king-size bed as part of your package? Homeland Security will know. (Via Consumerist)

Upgraded: TSA Chief Kip Hawley’s internet presence
Downgraded: Logical explanations
Security guru Bruce Schneier is running a multi-part interview with TSA Director Kip Hawley this week. The first part is here. Bruce questions the logic of the 3-ounce liquid restrictions, etc. I’m happy to see Hawley reaching out again, but some of the answers just don’t cut it. For example: “If a TSO finds you or the contents of your bag suspicious, you might get interviewed and/or have your bags more closely examined. If the TSO throws your liquids in the trash, they don’t find you a threat.” Huh? What? Read the whole thing.

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Airlines have long edited films for consumption aboard their aircraft (though they’re starting to show more movies uncut). But British Airways takes the cake in their latest editorial slice-and-dice of a movie: They’ve taken the latest James Bond film, Casino Royale, and edited it. Not to cut down the violence, but to delete a cameo by Richard Branson.

Why? Because Branson runs Virgin Atlantic, their competitor.

That’s amazingly petty. Poor sportsmanship. And just plain pathetic.

Branson does a brief cameo as a passenger who’s given the once-over by airport security. (A still from the film is above.) He requested the walk-on after providing the filmmakers a plane to use as a prop. In lieu of monetary compensation for the aircraft rental, he got to be in the picture. It’s good to be the king.

So if you’re flying on British Airways, and you’d like the full version of the (excellent) Casino Royale, you’ll have to buy the DVD(aff) and bring along the electronics.

(Separately, if you’ve never seen the original version(aff) of Casino Royale, which stars Peter Sellers, David Niven, and Woody Allen, you should. Each actor stars as James Bond — though technically Woody Allen’s character goes by “Jimmy Bond.” It’s a bizarre, trippy 1967 spoof of the spy movie franchise. Plus, the Henry Mancini soundtrack is fab.)

(Thanks to reader R.Y.!)

Upgraded: Poolside chairs
Honestly, this isn’t something I’ve ever struggled with, but at some resorts, pool chairs are at a premium. The result: Squatters. People actually get up crazy early to lay claim to their chairs. Now, hotels are fighting back against the “chair hogs.” Some have a waiting list. At others, you sacrifice your seat if you’re out of your seat for an hour. At the Peninsula Hotel in Bangkok, you only have a measly 15 minutes. That seems a bit aggressive. Better not actually swim!

Downgraded: Booze
This just breaks my heart: From October to January, the TSA at Miami Airport confiscated NINE TONS of liquids in containers exceeding 3 ounces. Primarily liquor and perfume. And that’s just at Miami Airport. So much booze, much of it purchased at duty free shops in the Caribbean, sitting in a storage locker, with no one to drink it. This is a national tragedy. I weep. Folks: If you’re arriving in the US and connecting to a domestic flight, you have to put your duty free liquor in the checked luggage. Or simply not buy it. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know.

Upgraded: No frills hotels
If no-frills flying is your cup of tea, then why not bring the discount airline vibe to your lodging? From the folks who brought you EasyJet and EasyCruise, the EasyHotel concept is expanding. Perhaps we’ll see it go the other direction someday. Motel 6 Airlines, anyone? (Or would that be Air 6?)

Upgraded: Movies on planes
It wasn’t just my impression: Airlines really are putting more unedited movies into the rotation. But it’s not just on the individually-controlled in-seat TVs, it’s hitting the old-school projectors, too. The key snippet, with a quote from United: “Since September, United has loosened its restrictions on what types of movies can be shown on jets equipped with overhead screens, which all passengers can see. When the airline played ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ in the fall, an R movie with some ear-curling rants by Alan Arkin, ‘We got a tremendous amount of positive feedback,’ Kovick said.”

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Rent an iPod inflight, catch up on Sabado Gigante
Here’s an airline that’s thinking outside the box: For about $5, Mexican discount airline Volaris will rent you an iPod loaded with Mexican TV shows and popular music. (American sitcoms y musica gringa coming soon.)

If Seinfeld ran an airport
Airport food is notoriously overpriced, but at least there’s food available, which is more than you can say for the departing planes. The latest entrant into the in-terminal dining segment: Cereality, the restaurant chain devoted entirely to cereal. Benet Wilson reports that a mini-version of the chain with limited selection opened at Newark Airport. A full-fledged restaurant, with 40 cereals and 40 toppings, opens at Chicago O’Hare (terminal 1, concourse B) soon. The idea is brilliant: Near-universally-liked food, HUGE profit margins.

Very superstitious, writing on the tail
Brussels Airlines’ logo consists of 13 dots that create a “B.” Superstitious passengers refuse to fly with the airline because of that number. Airline adding a 14th dot. Oy.

View the Opryland Glacier from your riverboat cruise ship?
Much like Nepal tourist advertising recently pictured photos that were actually in Peru, Tennessee’s promo materials were discovered to feature photos of mountain bikers in Alaska. Maybe Elvis is alive and well and living in Kodiak.

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The war on runway safety
Bangkok’s new Suvarnabhumi Airport hasn’t worked out as everyone hoped, with cost overruns, insufficient bathrooms, and shoddy workmanship. But now, by virtue of its failure to renew its safety certificate, it’s officially unsafe. Runways have been plagued with cracks and debris. (You’ll be pleased to know that the airport is still operating as normal. Nice. Wouldn’t want to let safety get in the way of the schedule!)

The war on skycaps
Skycaps at Boston’s Logan Airport have filed a class action lawsuit against American Airlines. The suit alleges that the airline’s policy of charging $2 per bag for curbside check-in is cutting into the skycaps’ tips. Indeed, many people assume the fee goes to the skycap, but it actually goes to the airline. The fees exist at plenty of other airports and with plenty of other airlines. Will more skycaps organize and sue?

The war on horse meat
I really don’t know what to make of this. “American Airlines and Delta Air Lines said early Thursday afternoon that they had suspended transport of horse meat to overseas markets – mainly France, Belgium and Japan – where it is consumed.” Horse butchers are angry. It’s a long story.

The war on fusion cuisine
Japan’s Ministry of Agriculture will soon travel the world, inspecting Japanese restaurants and certifying their authenticity. I realize that this is as much cultural nationalism as it is a marketing device, but it’s moronic. California rolls aren’t authentic to Japan, but they’re a standard of sushi restaurants in America. Deal with it. It’s a globalized world, and the notion of a “pure” cultural product is a sham. And it’s been a sham for some time. We’ve been globalizing for hundreds of years. (The spice trade, anyone?) But if the Japanese taxpayer wants to pay for this culinary boondoggle, have at it. (Thanks Dr. Vino!)

The war on broken in-flight entertainment
I get as irritated as the next guy when the audio-video system is broken on a long flight, but attacking the staff is probably not the way to go. Customers on board several Qantas aircraft that have been experiencing technical trouble with their video system “are becoming openly abusive and threatening” to flight attendants in flight. Not cool. Better bring a book.

The war for Delta
US Airways really, really, really, really, really wants to buy Delta. They’re now offering to raise their offer by another $1 billion if the creditors agree to postpone a meeting to discuss Delta’s in-house restructuring. Wake me up when this is over.

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Looking to boost revenue, jetBlue is planning to roll out a new set of items for sale in the cabin. While you’ll still get a free blanket and pillow, if you want a nicer one, you can pay $5.

Same plan for headsets. The basic model is free, while the nicer version will cost $1 more. I’m sure it’s not a Bose, Shure, or Sennheiser, but still.

The danger, of course, is that the quality of the free, basic models will gradually go down, in an effort to make the sale for the upgraded version. But at the end of the day, the airline is still offering these basics for free, unlike the low-cost carriers in Europe. (And heck, headsets cost money on most US carriers these days…)

‘Pods on a Plane
Apple announced a deal with United, Delta, Continental, Air France, Emirates, and KLM to link inflight entertainment systems with iPods. “Available starting mid-2007, the connections would power and charge iPods in flight. It would allow travelers to watch and listen to videos and songs of their choice, instead of having to watch airlines’ programming. Instead of using the small iPod screen, passengers will be able to watch TV shows or movies on larger seatback monitors.” No word on whether you’ll be able to download songs in-flight.

Cells on the Seas
All sorts of attention is paid to the possibility of cell phones on airplanes, but no one has expressed horror at the thought of getting calls on a cruise ship. The time has come. “I’m on a ship! A ship!” Yay.

Fondue on a plane?
Molten cheese, is there anything better? Swiss style fondue, Besides being social and delicious, can now earn you miles. Select prepackaged fondue cheese can earn you 500 miles on American Airlines. See here. (Beware the bombastic and loud audio/video that plays upon opening…) Alas, we can’t enjoy fondue at 35,000 feet yet. Via Gary Leff’s View from the Wing.

Delta guarantees you’ll be late
Delta Connection flight 5283 from New York-JFK to Washington National: late 100% of the time in September. Jeez. Book the earlier flight.

Marriott goes electric
Marriott hotels will now let all guests receive their final bills (”e-folios”) via e-mail. Saves trees, and provides an electronic record. As long as the accounting department accepts this for expense reports, then we’re good to go.

Last month, on an otherwise unremarkable flight from Chicago to Frankfurt on United Airlines, I experienced something amazing: An unedited movie in economy class.

Put the issue of movie quality aside for a moment. And ignore the fact that you’re lucky to even get your own (working) personal television screen on American carriers, not to mention the lack of on-demand video. (I know, some Northwest and US Airways A330 planes have more modern video-on-demand in-flight entertainment systems. But they’re the exception.) Most films are edited for content, removing most of the expletives, nudity, etc., that you’d see on the DVD.

Apparently, that’s changing. Several of the movies last month were denoted in the entertainment guide as unedited. (Of course, this only works if you have a personal video monitor with multiple choices, and not a single movie on overhead screens.) I opted for the Richard Linklater film “A Scanner Darkly,” (a film I didn’t know existed before the flight) and listened to Keanu Reeves, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Downey, Jr. dropping f-bombs like nobody’s business.

Airlines outside the U.S., much like those nations’ broadcasters, have long been less prudish. (Watching the unedited version of “Me, Myself and Irene” on Air New Zealand comes to mind…)

I’m glad to see America’s airlines starting to treat passengers like adults, able to decide for themselves whether or not to watch a film with “adult situations.” And if parents are traveling with kids, and they don’t approve of coarse language or the sight of a woman’s breast, then they can easily monitor their child’s viewing. After all, they’re sitting right next to them.

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When the TSA announced that it was allowing personal lubricants such as K-Y Jelly on board, I honestly asked myself why.

Besides gaining some inflight intimacy with a flying partner, or possibly performing some Ghostbusters-esque special effects onboard (to the inevitable delight of the flight crew, I’m sure), why would anyone need to have K-Y on board? It’s not like asthma mist, eye drops, or cough syrup.

Apparently, the TSA’s enforcers are second-guessing the policy. One of the Consumerist’s readers put the liberation of K-Y to the test and got the Heisman when asked how he’d be using it on the plane.

Note to TSA: If it’s explicitly permitted onboard, it should be permitted onboard. Period. No justification should be necessary. Think that’s not good enough? Change the policy, don’t make up rules as you go along. Jeez…

So what is a randy traveler to do? Two options…

First, you could do as thousands of flyers are doing, and sneak the goods onboard anyway. Just carry it in a pocket as you go through the metal detector. But this is not recommended, to say the least, since your plane might be turned back mid-flight if someone sees you breaking out the liquids inflight. If you sneak it on, prepare for a butt-kicking from angry passengers when the plane diverts.

Option two: Hire Bob Smith to fly you around in his airborne ’70s-style love van. USA Today profiled Captain Bob, who will take amorous couples to an altitude of one mile for an hour, for $299. You keep the sheets. (Classy.) K-Y optional.

(images: thePhotoPhreak, USA Today)
tags: travel | K-Y Jelly | mile high club

Flight attendants on Asian airlines are famous for their attentiveness to customer needs. Flight attendants in the United States will often remind passengers that their primary responsibility is passengers’ safety. Now, China’s Sichuan Airlines is kicking both elements up a notch for newly-hired attendants on flights between China and Korea, by requiring musical talent and martial arts skill:

As well as being aged between 18 and 24 with a knowledge of Korean, skilled in singing and dancing and of “nice appearance”, the new flight attendants will be trained as “part-time security guards” on the flights. “There’s no specific type of martial art we require, it could be kung fu or tae kwon do,” said Cai Chao, a Sichuan Airlines spokesperson.

Ok, I understand the martial arts, for security. But singing and dancing?? Especially the dancing! Southwest flight attendants might lead the passengers in a chorus of “Row Row Row Your Boat” or “Wheels on the Bus,” but I don’t think they’re shaking their booty down the aisle. At least I hope not…

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tags: travel | airlines | security | martial arts | flight attendants