Downgraded: Hotel call screening
An ESPN reporter was cruelly phone-pranked into believing her hotel was on fire during a recent stay at a Hilton Garden Inn in Florida. The source of the prank was apparently an online community of jackasses who target hotel guests for prankings, resulting in tens of thousands of dollars of damage to properties. And today I learned that Hilton Garden Inns are favorite targets, because of their “lax call screening procedures.” I don’t have a good solution to propose, except unplugging the phone.

Upgraded: Hilton spas
Hilton is relaunching their hotel spas globally under a new name: “eforea.” Hilton guests will be able to find a common menu of spa services at about 80 spas around the world, beginning with the first property in Short Hills, New Jersey. (All that mall-walking is very taxing, apparently.) With its titular riff off the word “euphoria,” I hope the experience lives up to the name.

Upgraded: SkyTeam
SkyTeam will get a South American member if the planned accession of Aerolineas Argentinas goes through. South America has been a gap in the alliance’s route map, so this is a plus.

Upgraded: Life chances of the Tonga Room
Back in May, I posted about San Francisco’s storied Tonga Room lounge, which faced closure. It may be rescued, but it won’t be in the same place. The hotel has a letter of intent “with a local successful restaurateur who will buy the Tonga Room and move it to a new, as-yet-undetermined site,” said Sam Lauter, a consultant for the Fairmont San Francisco. That’s not exactly preservation, but the ur-kitsch of the place will live on, I suppose.

(image of the Datel Communications Car (and guy))

Last week, Hilton announced that they would give their gold and diamond level HHonors program members a new perk: Free wi-fi.

Umm, whoo-hoo?

Other major chains have similar policies in place, but it’s only a nice elite perk because high-end hotels have such absurdly-priced internet access to begin with. My wife recently caved and paid $14.95 — plus taxes — for late-night slow-ish in-room access at a Westin in Atlanta . (Colleagues at the Hyatt down the street got a relative “bargain” for $12.95. Sigh.) That’s how much we used to spend for a month of mid-tier DSL in Chicago.

So now Hilton is giving some elite members a useful perk, but isn’t the real issue the obnoxiously high charges that the chain is charging in the first place?

(To be clear, the internet is already free for everyone at Hilton brands that don’t aspire to be labeled “luxury.” Hampton Inn and Homewood Suites, for example.)

And while Hilton is reserving the free wi-fi for mid- and upper-level elites with 16 stays or 36 nights a year, what about the lower-level elites? If I were a silver HHonors member, I’d be annoyed that my business wasn’t worth a free couple hours’ surfing.

Even better, other chains comp wi-fi for all their members, and not just elites. For example, I have no status with the boutique-y Kimpton chain, but by simply being a member of their program, I got free wi-fi at a Kimpton property recently. Omni is another chain that comps all their members with wi-fi.

From where I sit, the free-wifi-for-elites programs actually make these chains look worse, not better. It’s like making a big deal for having electricity or hot water, and giving it only to your most frequent guests. Touting this new “perk” just exposes how they’re not providing great value to everyone else who visits their hotels.

Downgraded: The Chongqing Hilton
If you’ve got reservations for the Chongqing Hilton in the next few days or weeks, you’ll want to look into alternatives: Chinese authorities have closed the hotel as part of a prostitution bust. “A statement by Chongqing police said that an investigation had uncovered ‘a complete chain’ of people involved in prostitution ‘involving the hotel managers, security guards, luggage carriers, receptionists and staff.’” The karaoke bar was the epicenter. For branding purposes, perhaps they should have advertised “HHookers”… But did customers get both points and miles for the transaction?…

Upgraded: Spirit Airlines
Upgraded: Passenger awareness, hopefully
Yes, Spirit is upgraded! But only because their strike is on hold for the time being. If you were a passenger during the strike, it sucked. And if, at this point, you decide that you’re willing to be a Spirit customer in the future, you know where you stand with this company. You will have only yourself to blame.

Upgraded: Discount airlines in Japan
Japan’s ANA is reportedly launching a new discount airline, with fares at express bus prices.

Upgraded: Heads fly free on Southwest!
Three suspicious boxes in the cargo hold of a Southwest flight were opened by airline employees, to reveal 45 human heads. While the airline’s internal packaging policies — and best practices in packing human body parts for cross-country shipment — were violated, no laws were broken, and the heads were actually being shipped for legitimate medical purposes. Paging Matt Groening!

Upgraded: Recycling of fake boarding passes
Reader Nick sends in this story of a boarding pass that appeared in a British Airways/London Heathrow in-house magazine. What struck my eye was the fact that I had seen this boarding pass before… I had even published a copy of that boarding pass on this very site, here. Compare the pictures: Exhibit A. Exhibit B. I particularly enjoy the irony that a controversial fake boarding pass generator rises again, to be repurposed as a phony mobile boarding pass. Who says the airline industry doesn’t recycle enough?

Upgraded: Job applications on Virgin Atlantic
The unnamed author of this complaint letter to Virgin Atlantic, who ranted against the food served on board his flight from Mumbai to Heathrow, has been offered a new job: food tester for Virgin. Call me biased, but I still like Robert P.’s letter to Midwest Airlines better. (“You have chunks in your beer.”) Hey Robert, get any job offers lately?

Upgraded: Air Canada’s forms and applications
Remember the requirement that overweight passengers on Canadian airlines need to get a doctor’s note in order to get a second seat at no additional fee? The form that doctors must fill out is priceless. It’s practically designed to make both doctor and patient uncomfortable and embarrassed. To wit:

Have your patient sit on a paper covered examination table. Rest a ruler or straightedge on the left side of patient at the widest point (hip or waist) as shown on diagram below.

Mark the touch point between the ruler and the paper as Point A. Rest a ruler or straightedge on the right side of patient at the widest point (hip or waist). Mark the touch point between the ruler and the paper as Point B. Measure the distance between Point A and Point B. Indicate this measurement above under d) Surface Measurement.

(via)

Upgraded: Extended stay hotels, again
Hilton is adding a new chain to its lineup: Home2 will be a new extended-stay brand, with an intended price point around $100 a night (less than the existing Homewood Suites brand in the Hilton family). The development cost is estimated at $70-75,000 per room. Launch locations are in Alabaster, AL, Baltimore/White Marsh, Charlotte, Elko, NV, Gadsden, AL (Alabama, again!), Jacksonville, NC (not FL); New York City, and three locations in San Antonio.

Upgraded: Ease of investing in a money-losing industry
Warren Buffett once said, “…if a capitalist had been present at Kittyhawk back in the early 1900s, he should have shot Orville Wright. He would have saved his progeny money.” Well, the assume that ol’ Warren isn’t putting money into in the new exchange-traded fund that invests in airline stocks, including 30% in non-US airlines. The symbol for the Claymore/NYSE Arca Airlines ETF: FAA. How clever. But will the folks at Proshares come up with a double-short airline ETF?

Upgraded: The return of all-business class New York-London flights
Maxjet, Silverjet, and Eos may be gone, but British Airways is bringing twice-daily all-business class flights between London and New York back to the air. The twists: 1) The service is on the smallest plane yet to fly the route, an Airbus A318. Not ’19. Not ’20. Forget ’21. ’18. 2) Instead of Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton, or Stansted, this flight will use the very centrally located London City Airport, which thusfar has only been used by regional jets to short-range destinations. 3) They’ll allow wireless text messaging and e-mail on board, but not phone calls. (hat tip Jared Blank)

All danger, all the time. Hide the kids!

Dangerous hotel: Hilton closes hotel due to norovirus
The Hilton near Washington Dulles Airport was closed last week due to an outbreak of the norovirus, which infected over 100 people in the hotel. What is this, a cruise ship??

Dangerous flight: Plane aborts takeoff, skids off runway
A Northwest DC-9 went off the runway in Milwaukee after pilots “discontinued takeoff” thanks to an engine problem. No one was hurt. An engine problem? On a Northwest DC-9? A plane that hasn’t been built since 1982, yet is still the workhorse of Northwest’s operation? Unheard of!…

Dangerous flight… for the pilot
A Continental Airlines pilot died in-flight en route to Puerto Vallarta from Houston. The copilot landed the plane at McAllen, Texas.

Dangerous security lines?: Does CLEAR actually hurt security?
Security guru Bruce Schneier has an interesting op-ed in the New York Times. He argues that the registered travel program and its increasingly popular iteration CLEAR actually damage security, because the background check provides a false (and easily exploited) sense of security. Go read.

Dangerous shirts. Again.
Remember the guy who was nearly kicked off a flight from London to Melbourne because of the “George Bush: World’s Number 1 Terrorist” t-shirt he was wearing? Looks like his month in Australia is over, and he decided to wear the same shirt on the flight back. This time, Qantas didn’t let him on board. I still think it’s a pretty silly restriction on the part of the airline, but the guy is clearly looking for publicity.

(image)

Miles Part 1: United Airlines alters its online booking bonus
Say goodbye to the 1000-mile booking bonus on United.com. It’s been revised to 500 miles for the roundtrip. BUT… while they taketh away, they also now giveth an online booking bonus of 250 miles for one-way trips, and 500 for circle-trips and open-jaws. Unfortunately, they still aren’t plugging the codeshare hole: If ANY of your flights are on a United codeshare partner (other than United Express or Ted) or if the itinerary includes any connections on another airline, you won’t get the bonus. Asinine.

Miles Part 2: Delta limits your routings for frequent flyer mile redemptions
When you’re trying to get from point A to point B, nonstop flights are usually the preference. But if you’re cashing in miles to travel halfway ’round the world, it’s sometimes nice to break up the trip a little, even if only for one night, to spend a little time in a city along the way. (On international routings, many programs allow you to break up the trip without penalty if there are less than 24 hours layover.) Delta is making such itineraries harder to create. Domestic itineraries will be limited to two stops each way, and international itineraries max out at three stops. If you’re not flying from a major hub, this might affect you more than you think. Gary Leff has the lowdown.

Miles Part 3: US Airways ending partnership with Qantas
Frankly, I’m amazed this hasn’t ended earlier, since US Airways is in Star Alliance and Qantas is in oneworld. As USA Today’s Ben Mutzabaugh reports, you’ll have until February 28 to earn US Airways miles on Qantas. February 28 is also your deadline for booking Qantas award tickets with US miles, though your deadline for flying on that ticket is January 31, 2008.

Free gold status with Hilton?
Not sure if this will work, but Gary Leff (again!) offers a possible way to get Hilton Gold for free. Use this link and enter code EMOD.

Free dream vacation?
CondeNast Traveler’s Wendy Perrin invites you to submit a description of your dream vacation. The winner gets what they ask for. Be creative!

January 18 is William Shatner Travel Blog Appreciation Day
Not sure why, but two — count ‘em, two! — separate blogs written by journalists draw lessons on the travel world by reference to William Shatner. Coincidence, or providence? Benet Wilson invokes the prime-time Shatner in discussing the TSA, while Chris Elliott salutes “The Shat” and his Priceline-hawking skill. I have no relevant Shatner link-ups to make, so I’ll just slap up an image of his amazing 1968 album, The Transformed Man. Update: Shatner’s album has been remastered and re-released! Wow. His renditions of “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” and “Mr. Tambourine Man” are legendary. Here’s the reprint at Amazon.com. (aff. link)

Chicago area to Phoenix area for $1
New discount airline SkyValue is offering $1 tickets from Chicago-Gary Airport (in Gary, Indiana) to Mesa Williams Gateway Airport (outside of Phoenix). Kickin’ it Ryanair style! Alas, the $1 flights are only available on January 24, but return flights are only $79 plus taxes. And the taxes are low, since neither airport seems to charge a passenger service fee. I found (but didn’t buy) long-weekend roundtrip tickets for $91.80 per person, all-in. SkyValue flies Boeing 737-800 jets. Their website is jaw-droppingly horrendous, like it was designed by a teenager in 1996. (via CheapFlights)

FedEx installs first anti-missile system on a commercial jet
We may not be safe from missile attacks in the air, but our overnight deliveries are. The first anti-missile system on a plane was just installed.

“Singapore Girls”: A sexist stereotype or a national treasure?
Regardless of your stand, Singapore Airlines’ flight attendants may be undergoing a makeover.

If you thought hotel pay-per-view was racy now…
…Just wait until they start offering live-action pay-per-view. It’s coming.