See update below

Those crazy spring breakers, bringing their cases of mineral water and Coca-Cola on board the cruise ships! They’ve simply gone too far! …huh?

Carnival Cruise Lines is clamping down on passengers who bring beverages on board. Their new policy prohibits passengers from bringing beverages onto the ship. That means alcoholic AND non-alcoholic beverages.

Is it because of the seemingly monthly reports of passengers who fall off a ship in an apparently drunken stupor? No.

Is it terrorism fears, the 3-ounce bottle-makers’ lobby, and the TSA-ification of the seas? Nope.

The reason is economics, pure and simple. The cruise ships weren’t selling as many drinks on board as they wanted.

Carnival spokesman Vance Gulliksen said guests had been bringing on too many nonalcoholic beverages. “There had been some abuse of the previous policy which is why the new policy is more restrictive,” he said.

Nonalcoholic beverages? I’m sure people are bringing in cases and cases of Evian.

Maybe they’re trying to play down the fact that their margins on umbrella drinks are astronomical. And by banning non-alcoholic beverages, they can be sure to milk some more money from alcohol-free cruises too, like the Christian cruises they book wholesale.

Rum runners will undoubtedly be upset: Duty free purchases of liquor from dockside shops will be taken and held by the cruise line until you leave the ship. Other beverages brought on board “will be confiscated and discarded without compensation.”

One sole exception remains: “guests (21 years and older only) may bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on board only during embarkation at the beginning of the cruise. A $10 corkage fee per bottle will be charged should you wish to consume this wine in the dining room or a $14 corkage fee per bottle in the Supper Club.” How generous.

Extortion, thy name is Carnival!

Update: After taking heat, Carnival has backed off their non-alcoholic beverage ban, but the ban on alcohol stays. Here’s the revised policy on beverages:

Guests are prohibited from bringing alcoholic beverages onboard. However, guests (21 years and older only) may bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on board only during embarkation at the beginning of the cruise. A $10 corkage fee per bottle will be charged should you wish to consume this wine in the dining room or a $14 corkage fee per bottle in the Supper Club. Guests may bring a small quantity of non-alcoholic beverages.

All alcohol, additional quantities of wine/champagne or excessive quantities of non-alcoholic beverages will be confiscated and discarded without compensation. Guests may purchase a variety of beverages on board the ship. Alcoholic beverages will not be sold or served to anyone under the age of 21. We reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcoholic beverages to anyone. Alcoholic beverages purchased in the ship’s gift shops or in ports of call will be retained by Carnival until the end of the voyage.

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Downgraded: Virgin America, Upgraded: Someone else
Poor Virgin America. They want to fly, really they do, but the US government won’t let them. But while the airline waits for a decision, they’ve been forced to lease out their spankin’ new planes to other airlines. It’s the equivalent of going downtown to the pawn shop and cashing in your newly bought plasma TV, just days after you showed it off to all your friends. But this means that other airlines are benefiting from Virgin’s misery. Word on the street says it’s Skybus, the startup airline that wants to rock Columbus, Ohio like a hurricane.

Downgraded: PIA
PIA, aka Pakistan International Airlines, will apparently be slapped by the European Union. The airline’s safety record is so spotty that only their seven newest planes will be allowed to land in the EU. Comforting.

Upgraded: Cruises, highbrow and low
Cruise lines are finally getting into the loyalty program game. I guess they wanted to wait 25 years to see if this whole frequent flyer miles thing was going to work out. Don’t plan to do any mileage runs on a cruise ship anytime soon. While the points don’t expire, they generally measure days at sea. On Silversea Cruises, for example, you need to cruise for 250 days before you can cash in for a free week on the high seas. Ouch.

At the other end of the spectrum, the NYT’s budget traveler, Matt Gross, spent some time on the EasyCruise ship, a hybrid of Ryanair, Carnival Cruises, and MTV’s “Real World.” He manages to express affection for the experience, despite being stuck on a ship with dozens of hard-partying kids looking to put the “easy” back into EasyCruise. Call me an old fart: A floating party hostel may be your speed, but it’s not mine anymore.

Downgraded: Paper tickets
Trees rejoice: Northwest Airlines is planning to eliminate paper tickets entirely. They won’t even be an option. Only 0.1% of their customers used them. The paper ticket is largely an anachronism today, but it still has its place, especially during irregular operations, when airlines can sign over a paper ticket to another carrier. Despite network integration, it’s still harder to do that for an e-ticket.

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What do you do if you mistakenly sell something for less than you intended? If you’re US Airways, and you sold a gazillion tickets for $1.86 plus tax, as they did last summer, you take your lumps and honor the tickets. If you’re Travelocity, and you sell tickets to Fiji for $50, you honor the tickets. If you’re Alitalia, and you sell business class tickets for $39, you honor the tickets.
But if you’re cruise line Holland America, and you sell a $1399 cabin for $849, you send your customers a bill for the $550 difference. A month later.

For four whole days in September, the company sold the cabins at the lower rate. In October, customers started getting calls, telling them the price they paid wouldn’t be honored.

Passengers are being given the option of paying up or getting a refund, but they’re not sailing at the price they paid for. And this wasn’t even a $2 or $50 rate. $849, while cheap, is still within the realm of possibility. As I’ve argued before, you can’t blame people for taking advantage of low prices, since you can’t always know if a bargain is a sale or an error.

I could even have understood if the company had nixed the offer within a day or two of booking, but they waited an entire month. The passengers have then potentially already paid their credit card bills, and will have certainly made plans for airfare, pre-departure hotels, etc.

This is unacceptable. Complaints should be filed with the Better Business Bureau, the Federal Trade Commission, and with the credit card company used to pay for the cruise. If booked through an agency or online travel site, you may have some protection there as well.

But above all, realize that Holland America not only has incompetent revenue management, whose mistake should have been caught more quickly than four days after publication. This company has disdain for their customers.

They obviously don’t want your repeat business. It sounds like they just don’t deserve your business in the first place.

Related:
- When are fare errors too good to be true?
- The morality of fare errors
- Too good to be true, or too good to pass up?

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‘Pods on a Plane
Apple announced a deal with United, Delta, Continental, Air France, Emirates, and KLM to link inflight entertainment systems with iPods. “Available starting mid-2007, the connections would power and charge iPods in flight. It would allow travelers to watch and listen to videos and songs of their choice, instead of having to watch airlines’ programming. Instead of using the small iPod screen, passengers will be able to watch TV shows or movies on larger seatback monitors.” No word on whether you’ll be able to download songs in-flight.

Cells on the Seas
All sorts of attention is paid to the possibility of cell phones on airplanes, but no one has expressed horror at the thought of getting calls on a cruise ship. The time has come. “I’m on a ship! A ship!” Yay.

Fondue on a plane?
Molten cheese, is there anything better? Swiss style fondue, Besides being social and delicious, can now earn you miles. Select prepackaged fondue cheese can earn you 500 miles on American Airlines. See here. (Beware the bombastic and loud audio/video that plays upon opening…) Alas, we can’t enjoy fondue at 35,000 feet yet. Via Gary Leff’s View from the Wing.

Delta guarantees you’ll be late
Delta Connection flight 5283 from New York-JFK to Washington National: late 100% of the time in September. Jeez. Book the earlier flight.

Marriott goes electric
Marriott hotels will now let all guests receive their final bills (“e-folios”) via e-mail. Saves trees, and provides an electronic record. As long as the accounting department accepts this for expense reports, then we’re good to go.

If you’re hankering for a primer on maritime law and the rules of cabotage — and really, who isn’t? — then ask Joan and Robert Miller of Ironton, Ohio to tell you their story:

“[The couple] planned to set sail on an Alaskan cruise, but missed the boat when the airlines cancelled their flight to Seattle. They were flown to Juneau, Alaska, instead, where they waited two days for the ship to port. Then, when they finally boarded, they were fined $300 per person, in violation of the Jones Act. The Jones Act was established in 1886 and states foreign ships can not transport passengers between U.S. ports. The Millers were out money they spent in Juneau, as well as the $600 fine. They have emailed lawmakers, the airlines and cruise lines to try and get reimbursed, but have had little or no help.”

(For the lawdogs in the house: The report technically misstates the law that covers this scenario. It’s the Passenger Vessel Services Act of 1886, not the Jones Act, which passed in 1920. Zing!)

Besides reference to the wrong law, the article neglects to name the cruise line or the airline. (This passes for journalism?! Factual details are SO overrated!) As for the cruise lines, it could have been any of them. It’s exceedingly difficult to find a US-registered cruise ship. Norwegian Cruise Lines’ Pride of America launched in 2005, the first US-flagged cruise ship built in the last 50 years.

In order to get around the law, foreign-flagged Alaska-bound ships make a pit stop in Canada. That makes the voyage international, and no longer under the purview of the law. But if passengers don’t make that pit stop, like the Millers didn’t, then they’re in violation.

So who’s to blame? Plenty of blame to go around.

On the one hand, it’s an old, protectionist law designed to protect American shipping companies from foreign competition. That’s what our intrepid reporter, Deanne Stein, seemingly concludes with her headline “Federal Law Ruins Local Couple’s Cruise.” On the other hand, if the cruise ships had been registered in the United States, instead of going offshore to avoid stricter U.S. labor law, then there might have never been a problem. And don’t forget the mystery airline that started the mess by cancelling the flight, and not rebooking the Millers onto another airline, according to rule 240.

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