Upgraded: Ideas for bad Hollywood movies
Downgraded: Congolese carry-on inspections
Headline: “Crocodile on plane kills 19 passengers“… I immediately had visions of a crocodile biting its way through the passenger list. But the truth is more unfortunate. A crocodile hidden in a carry-on bag gets loose, people panic, plane goes out of balance, aircraft crashes. Very sad. And preventable.

Downgraded: Cruise ship pricing
The cruise ship lines are taking a page from the airlines and going a la carte with their services, slowly but surely whittling away at the “all-inclusive” pricing plans that were the hallmark of cruising. Sure, there have been upcharges for shore excursions, but now you have to pay up for certain meals, services, and options. Looks like easyCruise‘s fully-a-la-carte model may not be so farfetched after all. (Thanks, Bill!)

Upgraded: Cross-selling of Hotwire inventory on Expedia
Expedia is now widely selling Hotwire’s hotel inventory as “unpublished rates.” Like on Hotwire, the hotels won’t be listed by name, just by star-level and city zone. Since Expedia and Hotwire are part of the same parent company, I’m surprised it’s taken this long.

Upgraded: The last frontier of domestic inflight wifi
Aircell’s Gogo service has launched inflight wifi within the state of Alaska, for those traveling on Alaska Airlines. For now, the service only exists between Anchorage and Fairbanks, and Alaska Airlines is giving it away for free. It’s slated to be complimentary until the entire state is blanketed with signal availability.

Upgraded: Traveler seat-selection stereotypes
The folks at Hunch have found significant personality and life-experience differences between those who prefer aisle seats vs. window seats. It’s based on poll data. ME, I prefer the window seat, not just because it makes napping easier, because I never tire of looking out the window and staring down from 35,000 feet. And yet, my vita reads much more like the aisle passenger’s. Call me an outlier.

High-definition cameras perched on the exterior of the ship will broadcast real-time video to the circular monitors in the cabins.

From a design perspective, it’s pretty clever, and I could imagine other cruise lines following suit if this is successful. Some airlines already offer a camera pointed forward and/or downward on the inflight video. Perhaps this is just the logical extension.

And heck, imagine other faux windows… a hotel with a broom closet room with floor-to-ceiling LCD screens with ocean views?… hmm… alert a venture capitalist!

But leave it to Disney to not leave well enough alone and to “improve” upon the real world:

One twist: Disney says every now and then an animated Disney character such as Peach the starfish from Finding Nemo or even Mickey Mouse may appear in the virtual porthole (superimposed on the live outdoor feed to look as if they were outside the ship).

Take that, natural vistas!

Now, I’m not attracted to cruise travel in the first place, so I’m not a fair judge of this upgrade of windowless rooms. But for those of you who like to cruise, what do you think? Is this a genuine improvement, or is it lipstick on a pig? Vote in the poll, and leave your comments below.

(Reading this via the feed? Click here to vote and comment.)

Upon landing at Bali’s airport planes will be taken to a remote aircraft parking area where the plane and its passengers will be sprayed with disinfectant. Passengers will then be disembarked and subjected to thermal scanners.

However, the Jakarta Globe is reporting that Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport is now requiring all arriving international air passengers to undergo a blood test. Nyoman Murtiyasa, the head of the airport’s health office, quoted in the Jakarta Globe said that all passengers arriving from overseas would be required to take a blood test at the airport.

Thermal scanners? Sure. Blood tests for everyone? Extreme. They make United States passport control seem downright lovable.

Downgraded: Airline uniforms
The airport administrators at Nepal’s Kathmandu Airport are taking an unusual step in an effort to reduce bribery: They are banning pockets in airline personnel uniforms. In a few months, expect reports of secret back-room sewing operations and black market tailoring.

Upgraded: Onboard duty-free, online check-in
Remember when airlines gave you extra miles for online check-in? It’s not coming back, alas. But Virgin Atlantic will give you a coupon for £6 off onboard duty free shopping when spending £30 or more. Whoo?

Downgraded: Jamaican sand wars
500 truckloads of white sand were stolen from a Jamaican resort development site in July 2008. Now, it’s going to trial, and other resort owners are among the accused. (hat tip to Veronica Stoddart)

Upgraded: Overview of disparate carry-on luggage rules
Steven Frischling at Flying with Fish has compiled a great list of 65 airlines’ carry-on baggage restrictions. Be sure to check the rules before your next flight.

Upgraded: Cruises with a theme
Downgraded: Pirates; Conscience
Finally, a cruise concept for the bloodthirsty: A Russian company is sponsoring pirate-hunting cruises. $5000 gets you on board, and you can rent AK-47s and buy ammo. The money quote: “They are worse than the pirates. At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages; these people are just paying to commit murder.”

Upgraded: Eclipse travel
THIS is a concept trip I could do: Special flights to view the upcoming solar eclipse. (Thanks, Kim!)

A few months ago, I was amused when I received a brochure at work for the annual conference and training session of one of the software packages we used. The conference was scheduled on a cruise ship.

While I’m not a “cruise guy,” I thought it was pretty clever of the conference organizers. The training sessions would be on days-at-sea, and lodging and meals were handled by the cruise ship. Coworkers were attracted to the idea of heading to the Bahamas in February, while being “on the clock.” While I didn’t attend, sending others was easy on my budget: The cost of the cruise conference — which included training, oceanview stateroom, and meals — was less than the previous year’s landlubber-conference at a mid-tier hotel in Baltimore (conference fee, hotel, plus per diem; airfare was still a variable).

Apparently, that value proposition is what’s keeping the cruise-conference business …afloat. (Sorry.) While the meetings trade is hurting, the cruise-ship-meetings segment is doing well:

Some cruise lines and travel agents report an uptick in the corporate incentive and meetings business on ships, and they equate it to the value of doing such events on a cruise compared with a land-based option.

“Our business in this area is up, and we have a significant charter looming,” said Howard Moses, president of the Cruise Authority in Atlanta, an agency that specializes in large group cruises. “My sense is that while this business is likely overall headed south, for the time being, cruising may see a boom in this area due to the overall value meetings aboard ships provide as compared to a land program.”
[...]
Agents consistently noted that even if hotels offer groups a break on room rates, the high costs of meals, entertainment and use of hotel audiovisual equipment made them much more expensive.

“A cruise is roughly half the price of a similar land stay,” said Moses. “The hotels really gouge you when it comes to meeting venues.”

As vacationers scale back in light of economic uncertainty, we should expect cruise companies to ramp up the conference angle, in order to make their headcount for sailings.

Is a conference cruise something you’ve experienced, or something you’d want? Hit the comments.

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-Tyler Colman

Downgraded: The accuracy of Ryanair’s scales
Euro-ultra-discounter Ryanair is accused of improperly maintaining its baggage scales, leading to wide variations in the weight measurement of checked bags. Since Ryanair charges £3.30 (about US$6.60) for every kilogram over 15kg, the numbers could add up to real profits. One bag weighed 17kg in Girona, Spain, while only weighing 14.6kg back in the U.K.

Upgraded: The rights of taxi passengers at Minneapolis Airport
Remember the Minneapolis taxi drivers who were refusing to transport anyone they suspected was carrying alcohol? (Those duty-free bags were a dead giveaway.) First, the city’s taxi commission allowed the discrimination, by labeling cabs “wet” or “dry.” Then came reports that the taxis were refusing service to people with seeing eye dogs, too, since these were “unclean.” So the commission created economic disincentives, by forcing cabs to move to the back of the line if they refused a passenger. Now, the city’s taxi commission is finally imposing real penalties — license suspensions — on drivers who discriminate: First offense is 30 days, second offense 2 years. Good. “Cab driver” probably isn’t the right line of work for these guys, anyway.

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See update below

Those crazy spring breakers, bringing their cases of mineral water and Coca-Cola on board the cruise ships! They’ve simply gone too far! …huh?

Carnival Cruise Lines is clamping down on passengers who bring beverages on board. Their new policy prohibits passengers from bringing beverages onto the ship. That means alcoholic AND non-alcoholic beverages.

Is it because of the seemingly monthly reports of passengers who fall off a ship in an apparently drunken stupor? No.

Is it terrorism fears, the 3-ounce bottle-makers’ lobby, and the TSA-ification of the seas? Nope.

The reason is economics, pure and simple. The cruise ships weren’t selling as many drinks on board as they wanted.

Carnival spokesman Vance Gulliksen said guests had been bringing on too many nonalcoholic beverages. “There had been some abuse of the previous policy which is why the new policy is more restrictive,” he said.

Nonalcoholic beverages? I’m sure people are bringing in cases and cases of Evian.

Maybe they’re trying to play down the fact that their margins on umbrella drinks are astronomical. And by banning non-alcoholic beverages, they can be sure to milk some more money from alcohol-free cruises too, like the Christian cruises they book wholesale.

Rum runners will undoubtedly be upset: Duty free purchases of liquor from dockside shops will be taken and held by the cruise line until you leave the ship. Other beverages brought on board “will be confiscated and discarded without compensation.”

One sole exception remains: “guests (21 years and older only) may bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on board only during embarkation at the beginning of the cruise. A $10 corkage fee per bottle will be charged should you wish to consume this wine in the dining room or a $14 corkage fee per bottle in the Supper Club.” How generous.

Extortion, thy name is Carnival!

Update: After taking heat, Carnival has backed off their non-alcoholic beverage ban, but the ban on alcohol stays. Here’s the revised policy on beverages:

Guests are prohibited from bringing alcoholic beverages onboard. However, guests (21 years and older only) may bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on board only during embarkation at the beginning of the cruise. A $10 corkage fee per bottle will be charged should you wish to consume this wine in the dining room or a $14 corkage fee per bottle in the Supper Club. Guests may bring a small quantity of non-alcoholic beverages.

All alcohol, additional quantities of wine/champagne or excessive quantities of non-alcoholic beverages will be confiscated and discarded without compensation. Guests may purchase a variety of beverages on board the ship. Alcoholic beverages will not be sold or served to anyone under the age of 21. We reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcoholic beverages to anyone. Alcoholic beverages purchased in the ship’s gift shops or in ports of call will be retained by Carnival until the end of the voyage.

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Downgraded: Virgin America, Upgraded: Someone else
Poor Virgin America. They want to fly, really they do, but the US government won’t let them. But while the airline waits for a decision, they’ve been forced to lease out their spankin’ new planes to other airlines. It’s the equivalent of going downtown to the pawn shop and cashing in your newly bought plasma TV, just days after you showed it off to all your friends. But this means that other airlines are benefiting from Virgin’s misery. Word on the street says it’s Skybus, the startup airline that wants to rock Columbus, Ohio like a hurricane.

Downgraded: PIA
PIA, aka Pakistan International Airlines, will apparently be slapped by the European Union. The airline’s safety record is so spotty that only their seven newest planes will be allowed to land in the EU. Comforting.

Upgraded: Cruises, highbrow and low
Cruise lines are finally getting into the loyalty program game. I guess they wanted to wait 25 years to see if this whole frequent flyer miles thing was going to work out. Don’t plan to do any mileage runs on a cruise ship anytime soon. While the points don’t expire, they generally measure days at sea. On Silversea Cruises, for example, you need to cruise for 250 days before you can cash in for a free week on the high seas. Ouch.

At the other end of the spectrum, the NYT’s budget traveler, Matt Gross, spent some time on the EasyCruise ship, a hybrid of Ryanair, Carnival Cruises, and MTV’s “Real World.” He manages to express affection for the experience, despite being stuck on a ship with dozens of hard-partying kids looking to put the “easy” back into EasyCruise. Call me an old fart: A floating party hostel may be your speed, but it’s not mine anymore.

Downgraded: Paper tickets
Trees rejoice: Northwest Airlines is planning to eliminate paper tickets entirely. They won’t even be an option. Only 0.1% of their customers used them. The paper ticket is largely an anachronism today, but it still has its place, especially during irregular operations, when airlines can sign over a paper ticket to another carrier. Despite network integration, it’s still harder to do that for an e-ticket.

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For four whole days in September, the company sold the cabins at the lower rate. In October, customers started getting calls, telling them the price they paid wouldn’t be honored.

Passengers are being given the option of paying up or getting a refund, but they’re not sailing at the price they paid for. And this wasn’t even a $2 or $50 rate. $849, while cheap, is still within the realm of possibility. As I’ve argued before, you can’t blame people for taking advantage of low prices, since you can’t always know if a bargain is a sale or an error.

I could even have understood if the company had nixed the offer within a day or two of booking, but they waited an entire month. The passengers have then potentially already paid their credit card bills, and will have certainly made plans for airfare, pre-departure hotels, etc.

This is unacceptable. Complaints should be filed with the Better Business Bureau, the Federal Trade Commission, and with the credit card company used to pay for the cruise. If booked through an agency or online travel site, you may have some protection there as well.

But above all, realize that Holland America not only has incompetent revenue management, whose mistake should have been caught more quickly than four days after publication. This company has disdain for their customers.

They obviously don’t want your repeat business. It sounds like they just don’t deserve your business in the first place.

Related:
- When are fare errors too good to be true?
- The morality of fare errors
- Too good to be true, or too good to pass up?

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Cells on the Seas
All sorts of attention is paid to the possibility of cell phones on airplanes, but no one has expressed horror at the thought of getting calls on a cruise ship. The time has come. “I’m on a ship! A ship!” Yay.

Fondue on a plane?
Molten cheese, is there anything better? Swiss style fondue, Besides being social and delicious, can now earn you miles. Select prepackaged fondue cheese can earn you 500 miles on American Airlines. See here. (Beware the bombastic and loud audio/video that plays upon opening…) Alas, we can’t enjoy fondue at 35,000 feet yet. Via Gary Leff’s View from the Wing.

Delta guarantees you’ll be late
Delta Connection flight 5283 from New York-JFK to Washington National: late 100% of the time in September. Jeez. Book the earlier flight.

Marriott goes electric
Marriott hotels will now let all guests receive their final bills (“e-folios”) via e-mail. Saves trees, and provides an electronic record. As long as the accounting department accepts this for expense reports, then we’re good to go.