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For those who’ve sat next to the toilet on a long flight, take heart: At least you weren’t sitting ON the toilet for the flight. This story seems too good to be true, if by “good,” we mean comedy gold, reinforcing our already nasty impression of American aviation.

A New York City man is suing JetBlue Airways Corp. for more than $2 million because he says a pilot made him give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet for more than three hours on a flight from California.

Gokhan Mutlu, of Manhattan’s Inwood section, says in court papers the pilot told him to “go ‘hang out’ in the bathroom” about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the “jump seat” she was assigned was uncomfortable, the lawsuit said.

Awesome. I don’t know if this is really true, but for the sake of airline-hell story one-upsmanship, I’m really hoping it is.

Mr. Mutlu was traveling on a “buddy pass,” a perk given to airline employees (in lieu of job security, salary, pension, and other accoutrements) which lets friends travel for close to free. But a low fare (which is what a buddy pass effectively is) doesn’t mean you have to sit on the toilet. Especially since that’s a safety issue:

The aircraft hit turbulence and passengers were directed to return to their seats, but “the plaintiff had no seat to return to, sitting on a toilet stool with no seat belts,” court papers say.

Some time later, a male flight attendant knocked on the restroom door and told Mutlu he could return to his original seat, court papers say.

Would it have been okay if a female flight attendant had knocked, instead?

Mutlu’s lawsuit, filed Friday in Manhattan’s state Supreme Court, says JetBlue negligently endangered him by not providing him with a seat with a safety belt or harness, in violation of federal law.

JetBlue’s courtroom strategy may resort to a counter-accusation: that Mutlu tampered with the lavatory smoke detectors while in there. And perhaps he ignored lighted signs and placards, too. Take that, safety video!

Thanks to reader J for the early heads-up!

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Upgraded: Evidence that airlines are unwilling to break the status quo
The Air Transport Association, fresh off its successful lawsuit that overturned the Passenger Bill of Rights in New York, is threatening to sue the Department of Transportation over the proposed introduction of congestion pricing at the busiest U.S. airports. The airlines will do what they can to stop the proposal, they say. So what’s the airlines’ solution to overbooked airports? Cue the crickets…

Upgraded: Olympic condoms
With the summer games coming up, Chinese hotels are stocking up on condoms. Yes, really. “The condoms shall not be used as evidence of prostitution and whoring.” Well thank goodness! But will they be found in the minibar?

Downgraded: Commemorative British Airways newsletters
Upgraded: FedEx
Five years, and billions of capital spent, and the Terminal 5 fiasco at London Heathrow continues to be a headache for all involved. Last week’s grand opening of the posh new terminal was marred by the now well-publicized luggage handling failure. 20,000 checked bags still need to be reunited with their owners, and British Airways is calling in the cavalry: FedEx. Another reason that BA has decided to scrap a commemorative in-house newsletter celebrating the terminal opening.

Upgraded: Single travelers in Delta coach
Downgraded: Ghetto upgraders
Delta is buying Thompson Solutions’ “Cozy Suites” for its widebody jets, to be installed in 2010. The seats are a little odd, with a staggered configuration with no two people sitting precisely next to each other. More armrest space is one perk with this approach. Good for solo travelers, bad for couples and families. But even worse for anyone hoping to get a “ghetto upgrade” — an entire row of seats to oneself, allowing you to lift the armrests and stretch across. It’s also somewhat reminiscent of the alternating forward-backward-forward seating that was floated just about a year ago. But it’s thinking differently, and I like that. (via Cranky)

Hopefully everyone got the April Fool’s ha-ha’s out of their system today. But the winner, in my book, is Canadian airline WestJet, which announced that they were converting their overhead bins into sleeper seats.

Their press release offered this explanation:

By offering our existing overhead bins as sleeper cabins, guests will now have the opportunity to lie down for a period of time and arrive at their destination refreshed, rested and ready to go.

Well-played, WestJet. Well-played.

And in an alternate joke bound to make Chris Elliott cringe, “Richard Branson’s Virgin Blue airline got into the April 1 spirit by running newspaper ads offering half-priced fares for passengers willing to stand, with free calf massages on flights longer than two hours.”

For those sober enough to be reading blogs on St. Patrick’s Day…

No luck of the Irish here.
Downgraded: Your seatmate
A real headline: “Woman files lawsuit against AMR because passenger next to her masturbated while she slept.” Isn’t air travel glamorous? You sit down for a flight, and you wake up with “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in [your] hair.” Blechh. They arrested the guy, so why the lawsuit? “The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping. The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.” Is changing seats, in and of itself, worthy of a civil action? Sue the wanker, not the airline! (Thanks, John!)

Is there a pot of gold at the end to this rainbow?
Downgraded: Poorism
Mixed feelings about this one: Renewed attention to the trend of slum tourism, or “poorism,” whereby relatively well-off tourists travel to poverty-stricken areas for the ostensible reason of gaining perspective on just how good they’ve got it, while getting an “authentic” experience. On the one hand, they’re pumping some money into the local economy. On the other hand, it’s self-serving and exploitative, like a human zoo. “Ooh, look how the poor people live!”

They’re Magically Delicious!
Downgraded: Already minimal airport lounge snacks in the US
Gary Leff links to a hilarious photo of American Airlines snack packs … in the United Airlines Red Carpet Club. Way to stick it to the competition, by stealing their pretzels! (Alternate interpretation: Begin merger speculation.)

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We’ve all been there. Running late for a meeting, perhaps stuck in traffic, and you wish you could just fly to your destination. (Skipping the TSA shoe-scanning frisk-a-thon, of course.) But leave it to an overzealous parent to make the dream a reality.

This is parenting in 2008: Your child is late for tennis practice. So you fly your personal plane, land it — on skis, mind you, since this is a northern suburb of Chicago, and the ground is covered in snow — illegally on a golf course, and hope no one notices. Like a modern-day Charles Lindbergh, you heroically fly in, delivering your offspring to an informal practice, scheduled before team tryouts later in the week. Seriously.

A Lake Villa man hopped in his Piper Clipper airplane Saturday, breezed above the congested roads and landed at a golf course across a highway from the tennis club, where skis on the underside of his four-seater glided across the snow-covered fairway.

Police received worried calls about a plane circling twice, then touching down at the Crane’s Landing golf course at the Marriott Lincolnshire Resort. Officials thought they might have a crash, with victims to attend to.

Instead, they found Robert Kadera, 65, and his 14-year-old son trudging through the snow, Prince racket and a bag of tennis balls in hand. They had parked on the 7th fairway, just 20 feet south of the retaining wall for Illinois Highway 22.

At least he stayed out of the sand trap.

Nice piloting, admittedly. Spoiled child, clearly. Obnoxious parent, most definitely.

Who thinks it’s okay to land a plane on someone else’s property — without requesting permission — just so your son can make it to tennis practice? Great lesson to be teaching the kids.

Parachuting in would have been a completely different matter.

(Sidebar: I’ve been on that road in Lincolnshire. There’s a great, classic miniature golf course practically around the corner: Par-King. Highly recommended.)

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New York bedbugs, beware: The K-9 squad is on the prowl.

A company that employs dogs with keen noses says numerous New York hotels have called on them to sniff out bedbugs that have infested many businesses.

Carl Massicott, head of Advanced K9 Detectives, said his company’s six dogs have been kept busy by a high volume of requests from hotels seeking to rid themselves of bedbugs amidst a citywide infestation…

Alas, they’re not saying where the dogs have been sniffing. Or where they haven’t. But anything to combat New York’s bedbug surge is welcome. (Especially at the rates hotels are charging in NYC these days.)

For the first time, I think I might actually prefer to have had a dog in my hotel room before I move my stuff in.

The merger insider
Holly Hegeman’s red phone rang, and a trusted insider gave her this update on the United-Continental merger rumors. It’s on.

…the bulk of the existing United Airlines brand will continue to be used internationally, but Continental will take over the domestic operation for the most part. Other details we were told included the fact that there has already been a transition team put together. The deal will be announced after Delta/Northwest goes public. There will initially be a holding company set up to run both airlines. This operation will continue for three-five years. This will allow for a “smoother transition” from the two airlines into one operation.

But what happens if Delta-Northwest doesn’t go through, as it’s now hit a labor-related snag?

The “holding company” concept is one I expected when merger speculation first arose. Much like Air France and KLM operate separately under one company, it looks like the same idea is in the cards for the United-Continental merger, at least to start. But the merger looks like it’s on. Oh well.

Is that “going #3″?
Best opening paragraph in a while:

A newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself on Tuesday.

Bad karma? Or a moral social stand?
Fighting the trend of tipping in American society seems like a losing battle, but the WSJ’s Eric Felten argues against the tip jar at Starbucks. It’s a good read.

Less than 1 cent per mile? No thanks.
I was going to comment that Delta’s new policy that allows you to use SkyMiles to buy a ticket based on the cost of the ticket, rather than the origin and destination, was generally a bad deal, and that it was an other salvo in their devaluation of the mileage currency. But Gary Leff and Tim Winship have already argued this point forcefully, so I’ll let them speak for me. I’ll just nod in agreement.

Misspellings go multinational
My disdain for the name “SimplyWheelz” is not enough to stop the brand from spreading. Hertz’s low-cost car rental subsidiary is expanding beyond Orlando to Alicante and Malaga, Spain, with sales channels targeting British and German tourists.

An old favorite: Fly first class at coach prices
One of this blog’s longstanding favorite subjects, the Y-UP fare, which books into economy but seats you in first class, gets a fresh look from Rick Seaney. The usual caveat applies: Y-UP may be cheaper than walkup regular-economy fares, but they’ll rarely ever beat out a cheapo fare purchased months ago. Nonetheless, it’s always worth a search.

Unscheduled landings stink, but especially internationally
Being diverted to another airport? Never fun. Being stuck on the plane? Never fun. Being diverted, and then stuck on a plane, because you’ve just landed in a different country? Even less fun. Just ask the Qantas passengers who were stuck on the plane during an unscheduled mechanical pit stop in India. (Thanks, Rob!)

A Cathay Pacific pilot lost his job for flying a Boeing 777-300ER at extremely low altitude over the runway at a Boeing plant in Washington. He was picking up the newly-delivered jet and decided to pull an air-show move, circling back for a low fly-by. Back in Hong Kong, his employer summarily handed him his walking papers.

The video of the fly-byis really a choppy collection of still photos. More photos taken by a planespotter are here.

But did the pilot really deserve to lose his job over this? It was a stunt, yes. But there were no passengers involved, and this wasn’t at a regular commercial airport. Slap him on the wrist, sure, teach him some etiquette, but fire him? It seems like someone at Cathay woke up on the wrong side of the first class suite.

Upgraded: Frequent flyer legislation
Downgraded: The value of your miles
Frequent flyer programs can be a byzantine maze. Above all, nearly everyone is cranky about being able to cash in their frequent flyer miles. I just tried winnowing down the uncomfortably large kitty of points for some Caribbean travel in May and was given the Heisman. But I’m not cheering on Washington state legislator Chris Hurst, who’s proposing a bill that would allow consumers to cash in their miles at 0.2 cents apiece. “Cash in” literally — for cash. House Bill 2707 is probably not going to go anywhere, but it’s meant as a shot across the bow of airlines whose point redemptions are increasingly stingy. Representative Hurst, call me when you start demanding 2 cents per mile or better. (via Pointswizard)

Upgraded: Delta’s business class seats… on some of its planes
Delta is rolling out new fully-flat seats on its 767s that travel internationally. Excellent news. But only on the 767s for starters, which means that the Delta fleet will have a patchwork of seating at the front of the plane. Sure, every airline rolls new seats out one plane at a time, but it’s odd to limit the rollout explicitly to one aircraft type.

Upgraded: Delta’s flight attendants’ trepidations
With Delta and Northwest in confirmed talks regarding a possible merger, the as-yet non-unionized flight attendants at Delta are looking to organize. Delta’s attendants might be members of the AFA-CWA as of February 14. Consider it a Valentine to Delta management. The goal is to “have a seat at the table” when merger discussions take shape.

Upgraded: Competition for hourly car rentals
With the success of hourly “car-sharing” rentals like Zipcar, the big car rental players are getting in on the action. Reportedly, Enterprise is launching its own version, dubbed “WeCar,” which is being test near Washington University in St. Louis. Just be sure to walk around the car and take photos before and after the rental. If WeCar is anything like their regular operation, those Enterprise guys will try to nail you for any damages on the car, whether it happened on your watch or not.

Upgraded: Gitmo!?
Disturbing and bizarre: There actually exists scheduled service to Guantanamo Bay, ironically provided by the happy-go-lucky sounding Air Sunshine, using 9-seat Cessnas. For those wishing to plan their trip, service is only four days a week, at $250 each way. Not cheap, for such a short trip, and you’d better hope they honor the return portion of the ticket. But you may never want to leave. After all, as Dick Cheney described the conditions for detainees at the base’s prison facilities, when he spoke to CNN in 2005, “They’re living in the tropics. They’re well fed. They’ve got everything they could possibly want.”

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Upgraded: Your chance to vent at the TSA
Homeland Security first got a blog, but now the TSA has one too. And it’s not just staffed by the man at the top. They asked for your honest opinions. Give ‘em hell. Just keep it civil. (Thanks, Stephen!)

Upgraded: Nude Aviation
Who could forget Naked Air, the chartered “airline” that transported “naturists” to sunny destinations. Now, a German travel agency will make naked flights a regular option. But for those longing for a long overnight trip in the buff, you’ll have to keep waiting. It’s just a short trip within Germany. (Seriously, why bother?)

Upgraded: Business travel blogging
Hirsute frequent flyer kingpin Randy Petersen has gathered a number of blogs related to business travel into one place — BoardingArea.com — and you’ll find Upgrade: Travel Better syndicated there, too. You’ll find some familiar names there as well, plus some spunky newcomers. The site’s launch was featured in the New York Times, too, including a photo of the hirsute proprietor. Check it out.

Upgraded: Hotel thieves
If you’ve ever stolen stuff from a hotel room, you can return those towels, glasses, bathrobes, and … punch bowls? In any case, if you’ve been a pilferer from the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel, your day of amnesty is here. Bring back the contraband, no questions asked. (Thanks Dr. Vino!)

Upgraded: JetBlue’s alliance prospects
Perhaps you remember my prediction from February 6 last year, that jetBlue and Aer Lingus would try to sync up in an alliance? Looks like the prediction was right, according to WSJ reports. But Aer Lingus might find some competition from jetBlue shareholder Lufthansa, who is also looking into an alliance of sorts with the ‘blue.

Upgraded: Short runways, long flights, 2-year old sarcasm
British Airways has announced another luxury initiative, aimed squarely at its all-business class competitors. The new all-business class service will fly from London’s City airport — a tiny airport with a short runway — to an as-yet unnamed New York area airport. The flight will feature only 36 seats on an Airbus A318. Not A319. Not A320. A318. The shortest in the family, and the biggest plane legally permitted to depart from London-City. The Cranky Flier has a nice post on the logistics of the proposed service. But jeez, it looks like my sarcastic comments from April 2006 were taken seriously: “What’s next?: Will someone determine that London City airport needs nonstop business class service to White Plains or Islip?” I guess life imitates snark?

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Reader Michelle sends in an e-mail she received from Expedia, in which she’s encouraged to pack her bags and depart frigid New York for warmer climes. Such as:

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Chicago??!

That’s some solid marketing right there. Maybe if this were sent as a fare alert to customers in Nome, Alaska. But New York?

Let’s take a quick peek at weather.com and see where things stand in Chicago right now. Hmm…

At least it’s sunny!

Downgraded: Boeing’s onboard computers
The Boeing 787, which has yet to actually fly, has been declared susceptible to hacking by passengers, because the planned inflight internet computers are “also connected to the plane’s control, navigation and communication systems.” Great. Boeing promises to fix the security gaps before the plane actually alights.

Upgraded, mostly: British carry-on luggage rules
After the alleged liquid bombing plot, British authorities limited carry-on luggage severely. Now, things are starting to get back to normal. Most — but not all — British airports allow two carry-on bags again. If flying to London, Heathrow and Stansted all two bags. Gatwick and Luton allow one. The BBC has the list.

Upgraded: The Evil Eye
Better not look too shifty and suspicious at airport security. The increased use of behaviorial profiling, known as SPOT (Screening Passengers by Observation Technique), hopes to capture more genuine baddies and let the innocents pass through security unharmed. The problem, of course, is that you might just set off someone’s hackles unintentionally. Is it working? “Since January 2006, behavior-detection officers have referred about 70,000 people for secondary screening, Maccario said. Of those, about 600 to 700 were arrested on a variety of charges, including possession of drugs, weapons violations and outstanding warrants.” That’s 1% accuracy, folks. Nothing to be too proud of, yet. But it beats frisking nuns.

Downgraded: The Concorde
Upgraded: Tort law
Allstate Insurance has to pay out nearly a million dollars to a homeowner whose home was damaged five years ago by a low-flying Air France Concorde.

Downgraded: Airline blankets
Mmm… airline blankets… Reader J opines on his new blog about the fact that United doesn’t clean their blankets between flights. Yuck, indeed. Not to be an overly jaded buzzkiller, but that’s nothing new. Ditto for the pillows. Look for the plastic-wrapped blankets for maximum freshness. The pillows? Good luck.

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