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Downgraded: Monkey life-chances
I really can’t add more than this fine opening sentence: “A small monkey stashed in a man’s hat during a flight to New York has died, but federal health authorities don’t know why.”

Upgraded: Vengeful idiots
A passenger who missed his Southwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Hartford decided to tell the airline that a bomb was on board. How nice. After an emergency landing in Omaha, no bomb was found on board flight 1018. If ever anyone deserved to be put on the no-fly list, it’s this guy. Class act.

Downgraded: Skybus
Many airlines cancel flights due to mechanical issues, but when you don’t have a lot of planes to begin with, the effects are multiplied. No-frills upstart Skybus canceled 18 flights over two days, when two of its planes were grounded. 1000 people were affected.

Downgraded: United
United canceled hundreds of flights, mostly out of O’Hare, this past week, blaming the weather. The only problem is that the weather wasn’t the problem. According to the pilots’ union and media reports, it’s short-staffing. Other airlines weren’t hit the same way, on similar routes, so it’s fair to question the company’s weather-related excuses. For those travelers who were affected, though, this is one of those instances where your rights vary, depending on the reason for the delay. If it was staffing, then United should have rebooked passengers on other airlines (Rule 240). But if the airline can blame the weather, then passengers are out of luck. So guess which one the company is blaming?

Bonus: 180 passengers got evacuated after a United 757 got stuck in the mud when it made a wrong turn in Kansas City.

Upgraded: Malls, pretending to be airports
This past week, I visited the Natick Mall in Massachusetts, where I stopped in at the American Express Cardmembers’ Lounge. I had heard of these mall lounges before, but it was my first time seeing it live and in color. Sure enough, it’s like a medium-sized airport lounge, with free cofee drinks, snacks, magazines, internet access, and a phone charging station. But unlike airports, this lounge has free gift wrapping services. A nice complimentary perk for Amex cardholders, even those who aren’t paying annual fees. Unfortunately, the lounges close on December 31. I truly wonder what it ended costing Amex to run this thing.

Upgraded: The IRS
People apparently would rather pay their taxes than submit to airport security. The TSA ranked lower than the IRS in a satisfaction survey. (FEMA ranked even lower, after the Hurricane Katrina fiasco.)

Upgraded: The Dangers of Pie
Add another reason why the TSA isn’t winning the popularity contests. Once again, this holiday season, people transporting pies were given a hard time at airport security checkpoints. This happened before, and TSA Director Kip Hawley declared that pie was not a liquid. But apparently, it could still be a plastic explosive. I give up. (Thanks, Jess!)

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Last week, TSA Director Kip Hawley briefed a group of travel journalists, and friend-of-the-blog Benet Wilson of AviationWeek asked the Kipster about that pet peeve of mine, restrictions on transporting duty free liquor.

My long-standing take: If it’s deemed safe for purchase behind security lines in one airport, it should be considered safe for transportation to — and through — other airports.

But that’s not the way it works in reality. You might buy booze (or perfume, or anything liquid) in one airport, fly from one city to the next, and have the liquids confiscated when trying to board your next flight. Idiotic. (Though not nearly as idiotic as the limits within the same airport, a la Munich…)

If you think that there’s a solution at hand, you’re wrong.

Hawley said that everyone is looking for a private sector solution where there is an assured supply chain, one way or the other. “If they can find an appropriate supply chain bringing the duty-free goods to the airport and protecting it along the way, we’re open to it,” he said. “But as of today, there’s not a bag that is commonly agreed to that meets all of our standards.”

This is essentially a private sector opportunity to adjust their business model to meet security requirements, said Hawley. “But we won’t spend taxpayer dollars on finding ways to make it easier to buy duty-free liquids,” he warned.

Protecting the duty free goods along the way? Like a Secret Service motorcade? Or an armored car?

Something tells me that the food and drink served up at airport restaurants isn’t subjected to the same demands for protection. But the (hopefully non-explosive) sandwich you buy after security is safe to carry between airports. Double standard.

Sigh. So buyer beware. If you’re changing planes on an international itinerary, you might have trouble bringing duty free liquids into the United States.

Once again, we’re dealing with security theater, not real security. Makes me want to pour a stiff (duty-free) drink.

Related:
- Duty free liquids allowed on board, except when they’re not
- Update: Munich Airport responds to questions about its duty free policy
- Traveling with booze: Policy clarifications and changes
- Duty free liquids soon to be liberated?

Upgraded: JetBlue joining Star Alliance?
German carrier Lufthansa bought a 19% stake in JetBlue, a $300 million investment in the original luxe discount carrier. There’s no talk of merger, or even alliance. Yet. But the companies Lufthansa invests in have the tendency to join Star Alliance.

Upgraded: Star Alliance, again
So JetBlue’s membership is pure speculation. But Star Alliance *did* invite Air India into the alliance for eventual membership. And just yesterday, Air China and Shanghai Airlines officially joined the alliance.

Upgraded: Silverjet, at Maxjet’s expense
Maxjet’s woes, Silverjet’s joy? “Silverjet, which operates all-business-class flights from London to New York and Dubai, said that through Tuesday, the carrier had seen a 20 percent surge in bookings since MAXjet’s announcement.”

Upgraded: Planepooling
With a major treaty to be signed in Lisbon, some EU member states’ prime ministers are flying there together, carpool style, in an effort to reduce their carbon footprint. (Thanks, Dr. Vino!)

Upgraded: Editors’ hateful laziness
Who came up with this headline? “French rude and their hotels smell.” Top shelf editorial work, team!

Downgraded: Traveler’s IQ, and traveler’s brain cells
If you packed a one-liter bottle of vodka in your carry-on, and airport security says you can’t take it onboard, what would you do? If you said, “Open the bottle and chug the entire contents before going through the metal detector,” then you might be the now-hospitalized 64-year old resident of Dresden, Germany who proved he couldn’t hold his liquor at the Nuremberg airport. He should have just checked the booze.

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Downgraded: The mile-high club
Singapore Airlines has some of the swankest first class seats — ahem, “suites” — in the sky, but if you want to get frisky with your mate at 39,000 feet, no dice. Despite having a double bed in their suites, the airline enforces a no-sex policy in the sky. Note the key word: enforces. Early passengers on the A380 weren’t pleased:

“So they’ll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne — and then say you can’t do what comes naturally?” asked Tony Elwood, a vigorous 76. “Seems a bit strange.”

Sorry, Tony. Your ticket may say first class, but you and the missus will have to use the lavatory, just like everyone else. Or rent a private love jet for $299.

Downgraded: Airbus’ green claims
One big selling point for modern aircraft is always their lower fuel consumption. Leo Hickman at the Guardian ran the numbers on the A380, and found that Airbus’ calculations are bogus. They assume a full plane of 555 passengers, but zero luggage or cargo, when they calculate the kerosene burn. How realistic. (By the way, Airbus claims that the A380 will burn 2.9 liters of fuel per passenger for every 100km traveled, i.e., 75 grams of carbon dioxide per passenger per km.)

Upgraded: Olde tyme hotel rates
The Palmer House in Chicago is allowing repeat guests to stay there at the rate they paid years ago. A great deal… as long as the earlier stay was fifty years ago or more, and if the guests still have the original receipt. A 1947 receipt will get you a room under $10. Which wasn’t cheap! (Notice to my wife: THIS is why I keep receipts.)

Downgraded: The State Department
Turns out that the $97 passport fee is nicely padded in the government’s favor, far above the cost of processing. Gosh, really?

Downgraded: Surcharges
The seven most annoying travel surcharges, from Chris Elliott. Room service “Tray fee”?? Wow, that’s really brazen.

Downgraded: The TSA
TSA regularly sends staff to conduct internal testing of its security procedures. But it turns out they’re sometimes tipping off the front-line staff in advance. (I know someone who works for TSA, who has had the pleasure of carrying a “bomb” through the airport. Yes, they caught him. Who’da thunk.)

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If you’ve checked bags, you may have seen those little notices left by the TSA or other nations’ airport security, indicating that they’ve rifled through your things. If you’re feeling frisky, and if you don’t mind taking a chance taking a trip to the hoosegow, instead of to your intended destination, then a “helpful” baggage insert might be just your ticket to comedic vengeance.

The “Do Not Be Alarmed By” section of the “Citizen’s Insertable Swiftness Manifest” is my personal favorite.

Click to view in maximum size. Use at your own risk.

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For those who, for whatever bizarre reason, don’t make the time in their busy days to regularly peruse the Federal Register, looking for newly proposed regulations by various branches of the U.S. government, you’ll be pleased to know that the British tech journal The Register has been doing the perusing for you. And what they found, albeit several months after it was proposed, is bound to get your hackles up.

Our beloved TSA has proposed a rule (pdf) whereby “all airline passengers would need advance permission before flying into, through, or over the United States regardless of citizenship or the airline’s national origin.” The timeframe for receiving that permission: 72 hours.

The No-fly list and other lists restricting passengers from getting on planes are already in effect, and the TSA argues that it needs more time to compare the names on the expected passenger manifests to the lists of people deemed too dangerous to allow to fly.

The no-fly list concept has always bewildered me. If someone is a threat to security, arrest them, charge them, and try a case against them. Otherwise, screen them, scan their stuff thoroughly, frisk them aplenty if you want, and then let them travel. Anything else — like the ID check at the entrance to security — is theater.

As a sidebar: A recent PBS documentary with the title “Security Theater” tears American airport security to shreds. Enjoy.

In any case, the TSA’s proposal is highly unlikely to go anywhere. No airline wants to close its ticket sales window at the 72 hour mark, since that’s some high-priced revenue. The last-minute travel industry must be up in arms, too. And business travelers who have to travel at the drop of a hat will decry the government’s intervention into their livelihoods. Perhaps most importantly, members of Congress want to be able to travel when they want to, including at the last minute.

No, the point isn’t that we need to watch out for another stupid rule. Rather, this is yet another indicator of the misplaced priorities and bureaucratic, anti-consumer mindset of the TSA.

Travelers don’t need more reasons to mock the agency. We have plenty already. But somehow, we keep getting fresh ones.

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Golden Age, Golden Books: Travel back in time through the power of kids’ books
Children’s book protagonist Gordon experiences the magic of 1961 air travel: “Gordon ate steak and baked potatoes and lots of dessert — the things he liked best. ‘Food tastes good when you’re high in the sky,’ he said.” Cut to 2007, and little Gordon is a bitter man who can’t get an upgrade, but insists on calling the flight attendant “stewardess.” (Thanks, Brownlee!)

Sweet spot: Buy tickets in advance, but just not TOO far in advance
FareCompare.com CEO Rick Seaney busts a myth: That buying WAY far in advance is a great way to save money. Rarely true. Instead, the best time to really start shopping is about four months before your flight. One big reason: While most airlines sell tickets up to 11 months in advance, Southwest Airlines only sells tickets 4 to 5 months ahead. And since Southwest has enormous pricing power, their competitors don’t even bother trying to compete.

Your 15 minutes were over 20 minutes ago
Richard Branson never met a camera he didn’t love. Apparently neither did Kyla Ebbert, Southwest’s miniskirt bandit. Branson used Ebbert as a PR prop for Virgin America’s new service to Vegas. Classy. But hey, goofy photos result. Why is Branson dressed like a priest? Oh, screw it. It’s only egging him on.

Ryanair-style airline coming to transatlantic travel
Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary plans to start a discount airline that connects Europe and the U.S. It won’t be Ryanair, just a lot like it. Always the opportunist, O’Leary plans to wait until other airlines are in trouble, and then buy their aircraft on the cheap.

Skybus dropping West Coast?
Skybus looks like it might drop its flights to California and Washington, focusing instead on its shorter flights. Maybe that’s a good thing. Do you really want to deal with 29″ of seat pitch for a cross-country flight?

How to cut to the front of the security line
This isn’t advice I want to try out, knowing that the TSA has the habit of compiling dossiers on travelers. But Christopher Soghoian, of fake-boarding-pass generator fame, posts his tip on how to get to the front of the TSA line: Refuse to show ID. Instant supplemental screening (SSSS)! And to those wondering, yes, you can refuse to show ID and still legally fly. Print-and-save (pdf).

Your hard drive is a weapon
Since when are external hard drives a threat to security? Sigh.

Sad news on the airport security front, especially for those who ponied up $99 a year for Clear, the “registered traveler” program that promised faster trips through security and the ability to keep your shoes on. No dice. You’ll still need to remove your shoes and feel the cold terminal floor on the soles of your feet as you shuffle through the metal detector in American airports. Here’s why.

The Transportation Security Administration said yesterday that it had rejected the use of a General Electric shoe-scanning machine that was supposed to provide a central benefit for members of the Clear version of the Registered Traveler program: the ability to pass through security with their shoes on. The machine would instead have scanned the shoes electronically for weapons or explosives.

Funny, these apparently ineffective machines have been in use for months now at Clear-equipped airports, so who knows what horrors the flying public has been exposed to…

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Upgraded: The jurisdiction for Southwest’s Fashion Police
Good to see that the memo that Southwest doesn’t have a dress code made it to every employee. Oh wait… “Southwest Airlines said it will apologize to a passenger who was told he would be removed from a flight if he didn’t change clothes, the second time in recent months the budget carrier has been forced to do so.” The shirt read “Captain Jack Hoff: Master Baiter.” Har har har. Those t-shirt auteurs… such cunning linguists! Well, considering how Southwest “apologized” the last time, we should expect a fare sale with a saucy name soon. But what will they call it? “The ‘No shirt, no shoes, no assigned seating!’ Sale” ?? “The Happy Hands Sale” ?? Speculate in comments.

Downgraded: Urns
The Indianapolis Airport was shut down and evacuated because a funeral urn hadn’t been screened properly and the owner couldn’t be found. Talk about adding insult to injury for the family of the deceased. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened with those newfangled security systems that somehow keep hitting the media but don’t actually show up in widespread use at airports. Or maybe it would happen anyway. This is the TSA we’re talking about, after all.

Upgraded: Olympic fever!
Looking to visit the Olympics in Beijing next summer? Over on Peter Greenberg’s site, Mike Day rounds up the ways to get tickets, get a room, and get around. Don’t forget your asthma medication.

Upgraded: Erosion
A 2002 flood created a new canyon in Texas in just three days. And then it took five years to open it to the public!

Upgraded: Quieter hotels
Longtime readers know that one of my pet travel peeves is the noisy luxury hotel, often courtesy of a crappy door with a giant gap at the bottom, allowing in all the noise from the hall. I’m happy to read that soundproofing materials are selling well as hoteliers build new facilities. Better walls, yay! But no mention of better doors. Nice try, people! The Door Wars are still on!

Upgraded: Bio-air-travel
Air New Zealand, Boeing, and Rolls-Royce engines will test a biofuel-powered 747. If you smell french fries in the wind, look up to see if a jumbo jet is passing by.

If your kids ask if they can take their remote control toys with them on your next trip through the airport, better tell them to leave the RC’s at home. Why? The TSA, of course.

Airport screeners are giving additional scrutiny to remote-controlled toys because terrorists could use them to trigger explosive devices, the Transportation Security Administration said Monday.

Fantastic. You just KNOW that some overzealous TSA officer is going to cause some kid to weep when he confiscates the toy, and we’ll hear about it all over the news.

You may want to check them (the toys, not the kids) in luggage, as opposed to carrying them on, but who knows how far “scrutiny” will run.

And what does this “scrutiny” involve, anyway? Taking things apart? Cellphones can be used to trigger explosive devices, too, but we’re not scrutinizing or banning THEM.

Skepticism and tut-tutting over inconsistent policy aside, a few observations:

Fewer RC toys in airports is really a good thing
Maybe Kip Hawley just finds radio-control toys annoying. I know I do, when I’m in public places. I’ve seen kids playing with them in airport terminals, which just wasn’t appropriate. In the middle of the B-Concourse at O’Hare, no less. Not every place is your personal play-space, kid. Welcome to the real world. Lose the RC.

If you get busted, stay cool
If you get hassled, and your child’s toy gets taken away, stay calm, take names, be annoyed, but whatever you do, please, PLEASE don’t lose your cool like this woman did. Though not at a TSA checkpoint, she was arrested for disorderly conduct after throwing a fit when she was denied boarding. The Phoenix police put her in cuffs, possibly “manhandled” her, and now she’s dead, seemingly choked to death, though it’s unclear how. It wouldn’t have happened if she had kept her cool.

Leave the big guns at home
Though it might seem appropriate to bring to the airport, don’t bring your human-sized radio-controlled Airbus A380 model through the checkpoint. Now THAT’S a bad-ass radio controlled toy. Watch it fly in the video here.

Upgraded: Government bloggin’, government surveillance
Move over, Kip Hawley! Now there’s something bloggier! Hawley’s boss, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, has started a blog. No, wait, it’s a “leadership journal.” This blog leadership journal has nothing but eyerolling snark for that self-aggrandizing title. Maybe he could show some actual leadership by answering why the government has been collecting and preserving all sorts of minutiae about travelers who aren’t on anyone’s watch list. (Hat tip to Benet Wilson for pointing to the DHS blog. Yes, blog. We shall never refer to it as a leadership journal again.)

Downgraded: OneWorld cooperation
American Airlines AAdvantage members will no longer earn elite-qualifying elite-bonus frequent flyer miles when they fly on oneworld partner British Airways. Lovely. Remind me why we have alliances, again? Updated: Several readers have written in (and the Global Traveller has written in comments) that the linked article by Tim Winship is wrong: Elite bonus miles are cut. Elite qualifying miles remain. I note that smartertravel.com pulled the article down from their site. Thanks to all who wrote in!

Upgraded: Motel 6’s reputation
Arthur Frommer offers this tip on finding “a stunning value for the price” in hotel accommodations: Look for ones that feature an interior corridor. “Stunning value”? That’s really quite an endorsement. I appreciate the sentiment — and yes, those with interior corridors are newer than those with exterior corridors — but isn’t it still just a Motel 6? The walls are thin and the bed isn’t that comfy. Sure, it’s better than some alternatives, but “stunning value”? I’ve stayed at Hyatts for $37 a night via Priceline. THAT’S “stunning value.”

Upgraded: In-flight service, Sesame Street style
Next flight, remember: Your flight could always be worse. You could end up with Grover as your flight attendant. Video below… (via FlyAwayCafe)

The TSA is proposing a system that would allow travelers to book a specific time to pass through security checkpoints, much like they would make a reservation to dine at a restaurant. The system is designed to guarantee a short wait and create a “smoother flow.”

I’ll admit, I didn’t see this one coming, especially not from the TSA. But is it really a good idea?

Travelers reserving checkpoint slots probably would have to arrive earlier than usual, perhaps by as little as 20 to 30 minutes, [TSA Director Kip] Hawley said. They also would probably have to pay — either a fee for each reservation or an annual subscription for unlimited reservations at participating airports.

Frequent business travelers would happily show up earlier if they “had a specific time at the checkpoint and weren’t going to have to waste time standing in line,” Hawley said.

Why would a person with a reservation need to be at the airport even earlier than before? If the TSA is giving away off-peak reservations, then those “slots” are already available to those who simply show up earlier. No reservation required.

Further, is it philosophically wrong for the TSA to sell access to security? Until now, the TSA hasn’t gotten into the crowd control business at all: TSA doesn’t control the lines, they’ve argued — just the security checkpoints themselves. The airlines and airports control the lines, which is how elite-security lines are justified. (Rightly, in my view.) That would be changing, with this plan.

Arguably, this is also a shot across the bow of services like Clear, which purport to get people through security faster, or at least get them to the front of the line faster. But for this really to work, and really appeal to frequent travelers, the TSA needs to offer reservations during peak times, with a separate line for people with reservations. I don’t think the TSA’s resources or the airports’ physical space will allow for that. But who knows.

So I wonder if Kip Hawley is right, and business travelers would happily show up earlier at a specified time if they knew they would pass through security more quickly. In theory, it leaves you more time to do work at the gate or in the lounge, but you’re still at the airport longer than otherwise.

And thus the question goes to you:

If you’re willing to pay, how much? Is this a reservation you’d make? Hit the comments!

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