Upgraded: Pancakes
Want to hide your junk from the TSA’s nude-o-scopes? Stuff pancakes made of explosives into your underwear. What?!

Upgraded, potentially: Star Alliance in Australia
Somewhat surprisingly, Virgin Blue is rumored to be interested in joining Star Alliance. Such a deal, if real, would likely make a pan-global Virgin alliance moot. So much for that theory. But for Star Alliance fans, a Virgin Blue tie-up would really open up a wide range of Australian destinations.

Upgraded, barely: US Airways lifetime status
US Airways has joined its peers and rolled out a lifetime elite level. One-million miles flown on US Airways flights yields only lowest-tier status, with Star Silver status attached. And it’s not even for life — you have to maintain activity at least every three years to retain the status. Pfft. Other airlines offer a much better deal. (Especially AA, among the US-based airlines, which counts all earned miles, and not just flown miles, when calculating million-miler status.) For a nice rundown of the various airlines’ million-miler options, see the Global Traveller’s breakdown.

Downgraded: Venezuelan humor
Unclear if this is truth or fiction, but a flight attendant was allegedly detained by Venezuelan authorities for announcing the time at the destination as “local Chavez time.” Chavez time? “In December 2007, Venezuela created its own time zone, moving the clock back half an hour on a permanent basis, and according to the U.S. embassy report, ‘the crew member was likely trying to remind passengers of this and to suggest they turn their watches back 30 minutes.’”

Continental has launched “Fare Lock,” which charges you a fee to lock in a fare for anywhere from three days to one week. FareLock holds both a reservation and a fare, so you can reserve first and ask questions later.

The price is … vague:

Customers may choose FareLock when booking reservations at continental.com and opt for a 72-hour or a seven-day hold. They may return to complete the transaction at any time between purchasing the lock and its expiration, or they may choose an auto-ticketing feature which tickets at the end of the lock period. FareLock fees, beginning at $5 for a 72-hour hold and $9 for a seven-day hold, will vary based on a number of factors such as the itinerary, number of days to departure and the length of the hold.

So essentially, Continental is selling you a call option on an airfare, with the “call” expiring in either 3 days or 7.

(When Continental starts selling puts, as well as calls, call me… Can you imagine the secondary market?)

This could be useful for some people, if the fare is rock-bottom enough and worth buying insurance for. But remember, if you can figure out your plans within 24 hours, you don’t need such an insurance policy in the first place. After all, Continental still offers a 24-hour flexible booking policy, meaning that you have 24 hours from the time you purchase the ticket to cancel for a full refund, for any reason.

Interestingly, the press release reaffirms the existence of the 24-hour flexible booking policy, so the company is seemingly signaling that the courtesy-cancel isn’t going away. That’s good.

It’s not clear how much demand there really is for such a service. If the price is too high, that demand will disappear really quickly. For now, I’ll most likely rely more on the 24-hour courtesy-cancel, but it’s good to know there’s an insurance option available.

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The Association of Flight attendants has asked the federal government to ban inflight internet access. And it’s in the name of security. I give up.

British explosives consultant Roland Alford created a stir when he told New Scientist magazine that Wi-Fi is a “Pandora’s box” for terrorists and that giving passengers Internet access “gives a bomber lots of options for contacting a device on an aircraft.”

A number of airline workers, security professionals and technologists say they agree that Wi-Fi can create serious security risks. The Association of Flight Attendants, for example, has asked the government to ban Wi-Fi.

Wi-fi is a tool, and a medium of exchange. And like many tools, it can be used for good or evil. A knife can be used to cut your food, or stab someone in the eye. A bottle of wine can be broken over someone’s head and used as a weapon. So, should restaurants ban knives? Eliminate wine from their menus?

What is the alternative universe the Association of Flight Attendants wants to see? Passengers strapped into their seats, windowshades shut, hooded, gagged, and perhaps even sedated?

Personally, I’m thankful for every time there’s wi-fi in flight. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea to be connected, but for long flights, I consider it a godsend. And while the Association of Flight Attendants may disapprove, I salute the airlines that expand their internet offerings, such as Lufthansa’s most recent reintroduction of internet access over the North Atlantic.

Hat tip: I’m not sure how I missed this when it first came out, but thankfully Jared Blank caught it.

It’s baaaaaaack…

It’s been nearly four years since Boeing shut down its satellite-based Connexion inflight-internet service. Lufthansa was a major customer, back in the day. Now, they’ve revived it, in partnership with Panasonic, and are once again dubbing it “FlyNet.”

The service is being rolled out first on “selected North Atlantic routes” — Frankfurt to New York-JFK, Detroit, and Atlanta, for starters — and is intended to be available globally by the end of 2011.

From the press release:

After opening the browser, they can automatically access the exclusive, free Lufthansa FlyNet portal, where they will find constantly updated news about economics, politics, sports and entertainment. Via this portal they can access the Internet service provided by Deutsche Telekom, which is to be paid from February 2011 on. Service provider information detailing the various billing options is available on this portal as well, including payment via credit card, via integrated roaming partners or by redeeming Miles & More award miles. The price for one hour’s online access is 10.95 euros or 3,500 miles, while the 24-hour flat rate is 19.95 euros or 7,000 miles. Under the 24-hour flat rate agreement, passengers can access the Internet on all Lufthansa connecting flights equipped with a hotspot during the period of validity as well as after the flight in Lufthansa lounges. Thanks to the introductory FlyNet offer, inflight Internet access will be available for free on FlyNet-equipped aircraft until January 31, 2011.

As an aside on the pricing structure: 7000 miles for 24 hours of access is ludicrously expensive. 19.95 euros — or around $26.50 at today’s exchange rates — is better value.

Also, notably: “In spring 2011, inflight data communication should also be possible using the mobile phone standards GSM and GPRS.” Data, not voice.

As Air Transport World notes, Turkish Airlines, Cathay Pacific Airways, Dragonair and Gulf Air have similar plans to launch inflight internet on long-range flights.

Nice to see connectivity expanded on long flights. Now, let’s hear about in-seat power throughout the plane…

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Upgraded: iPads as inflight entertainment
Discount airline Iceland Express, which flies primarily within Europe, but also offers limited trans-Atlantic service from Reykjavik to New York and Winnipeg (Winnipeg!), is launching iPads as inflight entertainment. You’ll be able to rent an iPad onboard long-haul flights, for starters, and eventually on shorter flights. The unit will cost £9 or $13 to rent, with about 25 units on board each flight.

Upgraded: Contraband
Most of the news regarding TSA lately has been about junk-touching and radiation’s effects on the body, but what about the contents of the bags themselves? Well, according to a recent poll by British airfare aggregator SkyScanner, “a massive 43% of travellers admitted to having smuggled banned items past security staff; 29% had done so by accident, but 14% confessed to smuggling knowingly.”

Upgraded: Biofuels in the real world
Lufthansa is testing a 50-50 blend of traditional jet fuel and biofuel on Airbus A321 runs on the Hamburg-Frankfurt route, beginning April 2011. This isn’t just a one-off test. Been there, done that. This is a weeks-long test in a real-world environment, carrying paying passengers.

Upgraded: Classic airport security cartoons
In a good reminder that frustration with the TSA is nothing new, the New Yorker provides a brief cartoon retrospective mocking airport security. One dates back to 1938. Alas, most are post-9/11.