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I happened across this the other night, and of course it’s already on YouTube… It’s a (charitable) five-minute documentary clip from the pun-filled show “How it’s Made,” on how airline meals are concocted.

So would you pay $39 for this, having seen it made?

I’m all for inflight wi-fi. Granted, I have an internet addiction and giving me inflight wi-fi is like handing a bottle of Jim Beam to an alcoholic. But I’ll feed the need for the time being and praise Delta’s recent announcement that they’d be rolling out inflight wi-fi across their domestic fleet.

Delta is joining with Aircell®, a 17-year leader in airborne communications for business and commercial aviation, to install the company’s Mobile Broadband Network on the carrier’s domestic fleet. The system, Gogo™, will enable Delta customers traveling with Wi-Fi enabled devices, such as laptops, smartphones and PDAs, to access the Internet, corporate VPNs, corporate and personal e-mail accounts, as well as SMS texting and instant messaging services. Gogo will be available to customers for a flat fee of $9.95 on flights of three hours or less, and $12.95 on flights of more than three hours.

Sounds good to me. And according to the Gogo site, and confirmed by Scott McCartney, voice calls, such as Skype, will be blocked. I like.

But there are two caveats:

1) Power. No inflight internet is worthwhile if you run out of juice. Will Delta be installing power ports on every flight? Unlike, say, Virgin America, Delta doesn’t have power at every seat. And their announcement doesn’t suggest they’ll be installing it. While installing wifi can be done overnight, adding power takes a lot more effort, time, and weight. In the meantime: Buy a spare battery.

2) Space. If you’re going to open up a laptop, you need room. If someone pushes their seat back, your screen can get jammed into place in the laptop squeeze. Either you’ll need to negotiate with the person in front of you, to prevent them from reclining, or airlines need to add seat pitch to each row. Good luck with the latter.

All in all, I’m happy to hear that Delta is rolling this out, and doing it so aggressively. I’d love to see power, too, but I’m not optimistic. By the end of 2008, 75 planes (starting with MD-88s) will be slated for the upgrade. By the end of 2009, 300 planes should have it. That’s much faster than the JetBlue or American beta-tests.

Related:
- Inflight internet update: Southwest blocks Skype, Continental (hearts) Blackberry
- Feed the Internet addiction: American Airlines will roll out high-speed inflight wi-fi next year
- It’s official: Boeing pulling the plug on its inflight internet service, Connexion

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United just launched a program called Award Accelerator, giving you, the lucky consumer, the chance to pay an extra fee in order to earn double or even triple miles on your flight. But is it worth it? Let’s do the math.

This is similar to Northwest’s “supersizing” promotion.

Northwest gave 1000 extra miles for an extra $20 fee. United, on the other hand, has a sliding scale, based on the distance flown. From their press release:

From To Miles Flown Award Accelerator
miles* (USD)

Chicago Cleveland 316 Double Miles: $9
Triple Miles: $19

Chicago Orange County 1,726 Double Miles: $52
Triple Miles: $104

Washington, D.C. London Heathrow 3,677 Double Miles: $110
Triple Miles: $221

Los Angeles Sydney, Australia 7,483 Double Miles: $224
Triple Miles: $449

*Prices subject to change without notice. Based on one-way option.

In each of these examples, the fee for the extra miles is effectively 3 cents per mile. That’s expensive. While that would be a decent rate when redeeming miles, you generally shouldn’t be paying that kind of bank for something that you might not be able to redeem for equal or greater value.

3 cpm is slightly less than United’s “BuyMiles” program — which I could swear used to be cheaper. The rate there is 3.225 cents per mile, plus a $35 fee.

So, in comparison to buying miles, the “accelerator” program is a discount, but that still doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. It’s getting harder and harder to cash in United miles, after all, so I wouldn’t spend any extra money to collect more of them.

Granted, this is a clever marketing campaign. But it’s in their interest, not yours. If you’re within 1000 miles or so of a great award, then sure, spend the 10-spot and top your account up. But stay away from “accelerating” long flights.

Related:
- The value of frequent flyer miles
- Reader mail: Is it worth $20 to get 1000 bonus miles?
- Is a new frequent-flyer point exchange a great opportunity or a new ripoff?
- Should you put all your miles in one program?
- Whose miles are worth the most: What does the black market tell us?

Reader Mark, who just flew US Airways and experienced firsthand how a small bottle of water now costs $2, reports that passengers are none too happy about having to pay for soft drinks. He sends in this anecdote:

I sat next to an off duty flight attendant and she told me people are rebelling by only paying with $20’s. Since they have no change, the flight attendants end up comping the drinks. Unique, at least…

Ouch. Exact change is even more appreciated now, I bet.

I feel bad for the flight attendants who have to enact the policy and deal with surly (or wise-ass) passengers. And having to explain to management why the till is empty has to be no fun, either, just another layer of hassle for the already beaten-up and subsequently disaffected inflight staff.

But I admire the passengers’ spunk!

(And yes, I’m sure the airlines that haven’t yet rolled out card-swipe machines for buy-on-board will unveil them soon enough, so work the system while you can.)

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It’s a long flight, say, from Washington to Tokyo. About 14 hours trapped on a plane. About two meals and a snack. So how much would you pay to eat airline food? $7? $24? Maybe even $39? That’s the question United is asking its customers as it contemplates charging for all meals in international coach.

The airline sent the survey to many of its frequent flyers, and it focuses on international flying, not domestic. (Want to take the survey yourself? Start here.) (UPDATE: The poll is now closed, having “reached the desired number of completions.”)

Economy meals on international flights have been “complimentary,” i.e., included in the base fare, forever. But in today’s let’s-use-the-price-of-oil-as-an-excuse-to-start-charging-fees-for-everything-that’s-not-bolted-down world, airlines see a window of opportunity to screw their coach customers some more.

Remember when United was framing itself as a “premium” American carrier? So much for that.

The food options United wants you to consider paying for are pictured below. “Gourmet” salads. “Premium” sandwiches. “Current” economy meals…

Isn’t it nice how the sandwich and salad are styled and plated — good luck getting china and glassware in coach — while the current inflight meal is just pictured realistically in a plastic tray? Wouldn’t want to bias the survey sample, would we…

(As a bonus, the image they use in the survey for their current inflight coach meal is a user photo from flickr.com. I thought it looked familiar. In fact, I used the same photo a year ago here.)

United is clearly trying to gauge customer willingness to put up with this sort of nickel-and-diming. And they’re trying to get a sense of just how much those willing to put up with this are willing to take. The survey has a price-discovery component: Here are the prices I was asked to consider:

$39? Yowza. But two survey respondents in a row would get two very different suggested prices to consider. For example, the price for the current coach meal comes up at $12, $16, or even $24. Salads ranged from as low as $7 to as high as $24.

$24 salads (or $19, or $16…) are laughable. $24 for the current complimentary meal is an insult. And do you trust United to actually assemble a “restaurant quality” meal at 41,000 feet?

Look, long-haul international flying is not like domestic flying, both in terms of duration, and in terms of competition. People need to eat, and with carry-on limits, we can’t all bring along a movable feast.

But beyond that, United needs to remember that not every airline is racing toward the bottom like they are. If anything, there are some quality airlines out there — outside the U.S., mostly — which actually know a little something about customer service. If United were to implement this sort of pricing, I would encourage everyone to pursue alternate carriers. You could even stick within the Star Alliance — Lufthansa, ANA, Asiana, Singapore, to name a few… — if you need to keep status or earn miles.

As I’ve said again and again, this a-la-carte pricing model is going out of control, and is making it harder and harder to make price comparisons. Paying for food only adds another layer to the onion.

Take United’s poll (Update: now closed), and let them know how you feel. Your opinion may not stop this from happening: The phrasing suggests that it’s coming, and it’s only a matter of which items, and at which price.

But remember, you can “respond” in the most important way possible: With your pocketbook.

Thanks to reader Patrick for the heads-up, and for pointing me toward this FlyerTalk thread for more datapoints!