The headline reads: “Frequent criers: Elite fliers are ruining air travel.” And while I have long enjoyed Chris Elliott’s columns and blog, this one piece is way off base.

(Nice linkbait, though! Whether Chris Elliott or his editor is to blame for the title, he had to know he’d be getting a response from this blog. Chris, consider your bait snapped up and devoured.)

But Chris’ blame-the-frequent-flyer attitude makes me want to flick my loyalty program cards at him like Chinese stars in a Bruce Lee movie. Even with his caveat that a few bad apples may be to blame, it’s still not clear to me how the most frequent flyers are at fault for the mess we’re in.

But let’s hear it from him. I’ll agree with his first point, as it’s essentially a fact:

No, what irks me are two important issues. First, it’s the way airlines today are adding amenities to their premium cabins while quietly removing basic services from their economy-class sections. Food is a good example, but such additions and deletions are taking place across the board, and it shows up in every aspect of air travel, from reservations to boarding.

It’s true, the class division in flight is getting wider, much like CEO pay has been rocketing up while most workers’ wages are stagnant. There is an amenity arms race in the air, especially in international premium cabins, and the back of the plane is losing out. That’s a reasonable gripe.

But let’s continue:

The other issue? The attitude of elites. I mean “elite” in several senses of the word: not just elite-level frequent travelers and the well-to-do who can afford to pay full price for the good seats, but perhaps in a broader sense, passengers who think they deserve preferential treatment.

So you’re conflating “elite” with “elitist,” merging “first class” with “frequent flyer,” and redefining “elite” to your own purpose? This is the Humpty Dumpty Fallacy, if you’ll allow me to be an educated elite (or is it elitist?) and whip out the Lewis Carroll:

`When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’

`The question is,’ said Alice, `whether you can make words mean so many different things.’

`The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master – - that’s all.’

Well, “elites” in the aviation world are generally those passengers who clock 25,000 miles a year or more with an airline or its alliance partners. Calling others “elites” is muddying the waters.

The remainder of the argument offers anecdotes of Travelers Behaving Badly: Naomi Campbell throwing a fit after her luggage went missing. Self-important jerks who refuse to buckle up and hang up the phone. And That Guy who demands a free drink because his upgrade didn’t clear. These are all real, undisputable examples of people being grade-A assholes. But why would you assume that all “elites” are like this?

Is this handful of bad apples “ruining air travel”? Or are the perpetual delays, overcrowded flights, BS fees, arbitrary imposition of rules when it’s convenient to the staff, (justifiably, but still unpleasantly) ticked-off crew, regional jets, increasing prices, and declining value proposition to blame for the malaise in air travel? I’ll pick the latter.

Most people with a silver, gold, platinum, or black loyalty program card in their possession aren’t the self-important traveling jerks Chris describes — or if they are jerks, they keep it civil in the sky. Most are regular folks who spend more time seated in a plane than they wish they had to. They know the rules: They take off their shoes and pull out their laptops at the security check. They stow their roll-aboards in the proper direction. They ignore the safety announcement because they can recite it in their sleep, but they pay attention to crew member instructions when so directed. And yes, they buckle up.

Elites aren’t ruining air travel. The airlines are. It’s the airlines’ world. The elites are just flying in it. Just like everyone else.

Downgraded: Celebrities’ secrets
Celebrities! They’re just like us! Except they check into hotels under made-up pseudonyms. “Bruce and Jasmine Pilaf”? That would be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. “Mr Donkey Ass”? Johnny Depp. “Arnold Schwarzenegger” ? The false name of George Clooney. Read the whole article to wallow in the absurdity of it all.

I once worked at a hotel that regularly had NBA players and sportscasters as guests, and the check-in list was an exercise in hilarity. My favorites: Charles Barkley, checking in as the not-necessarily-helpful pseudonym “Tiger Woods,” and Shaquille O’Neal checking in as “Leroy Lovebone.”

Upgraded: Fuel efficiency
Downgraded: Inflight toilet action satisfaction
Airlines are doing what they can to lower the weight of their aircraft, to reduce the fuel burn. That includes reducing the amount of water they carry for their toilets.

Northwest is putting 25 percent less water for bathroom faucets and toilets on its international flights, Mr. McGraw said. Most planes had been returning from long flights with their tanks half full, an unneeded expense given that water weighs 8.3 pounds a gallon and a gallon of jet fuel weighs 6.8 pounds.

“Every 25 pounds we remove, we save $440,000 a year,” Mr. McGraw said.

Better hope that flight isn’t stuck on the ground anywhere.

Downgraded: Australian Aviation
It’s not just North America that’s being downgraded with fees upon fees. Australian airlines are enacting the same nickel-and-diming strategies as their trans-Pacific brethren.

Downgraded: Expedia’s idea of a “hotel”
Expedia has been advertising that they feature hotels in New York City for $58 a night. I raised an eyebrow, but Newyorkology’s Amy Langfield went the next step and found out what was being offered at that rate. Instead, she found a rate as low as $30 a night. $30?? Well, it’s a bunk in a hostel, and not even a nice one. $58? Not in a real hotel that’s actually in New York. Even New Jersey rooms are more. See the whole post for the breakdown.

Upgraded: The hours in a day
Downgraded: Advantage Rent-a-Car
I’ve been boycotting Advantage Rent-a-Car since 2003 already, but this just reaffirms my view that this is one car rental agency you want to avoid: The Consumerist relates a story of a renter whose damaged vehicle was charged for 22 days of loss of use, even though the car was in the shop for 49 hours. Nice math.

Upgraded: Uses for inflight oxygen
Great nugget from an article about the now-indicted former chief of Broadcom. The man, ahem, sure knew how to live. “In one incident described in the indictment, Mr. Nicholas and his guests are said to have inhaled so much marijuana on a flight to Las Vegas from Orange County, Calif., that clouds of smoke and fumes drifted into the cockpit of the private plane and the pilot was required to put on an oxygen mask.” Does that mean the co-pilot was high as a kite? (Thanks, Tyler!)

The recent downgrades to frequent flyer programs and air travel in general have a lot of people ticked off, if my inbox is any indication.

Several people are threatening to jump ship from their current frequent flyer program of choice and get their status matched by a competitor. (For regularly-updated info on status matches, see this FlyerTalk thread.)

Others are throwing in the towel on loyalty entirely. (This is especially prevalent among the low- and middle-tier elites who are writing in.) As reader David suggests:

Maybe this will mean that “elites” won’t feel so elite anymore, and will just buy tickets where it’s most convenient. I know that’s my plan. And maybe people won’t worry about miles as much anymore, and we can ditch this “status” crap and all go back to just being customers. Is the bulls&@t the airlines are feeding us really democracy in disguise?

Well, I don’t think this means the end of elite status, but here’s my prediction:

If anything, top-tier elite status will be even more entrenched as a result of these changes. If only the top tier of flyers will really feel the benefits, then it’s likely that lower-level elites could become “free agents,” basing their purchasing decisions on price, schedule, and service, and not on mileage accrual. But the top-tier folks will maintain their loyalty, and the airlines will, in turn, continue to reward them. Everyone else can apparently go to hell, but since that attitude seems universal, across programs, it will be distributed equally across the market, and the net effect (from the airlines’ perspective) is nil.

But what are you thinking? How has the consistent downgrading of frequent flyer programs and the air travel experience changed your views on loyalty? Are you cutting up your airline credit cards? Are you changing your buying habits? Or are you locked in, and not giving up? Hit the poll below, and hit the comments.

(image credit, and no, I have no idea what the heck that sign is for, but loyalty and fidelity to your produce are honorable and just)

Dutifully playing follow-the-leader, and jumping into the proverbial meat-grinder, airlines are competing to make a bad scene worse. They’re piling on: adding fees, reducing benefits, and devaluing frequent flyer miles even more. And that’s just today. Yeah, it was a bad day.

Round one: Luggage fees
Barely wasting any time after American Airlines imposed a $15 fee for the first checked bag, United has followed suit. The new fee goes into effect “if you are traveling on or after August 18, 2008 on an Economy ticket or Economy award ticket purchased on or after June 13, 2008.” Yes, there are exceptions for elite frequent flyers (notably for all Star Alliance elites, and not just United elites) and premium-cabin passengers. Full details here.

Oh, and US Airways matched the $15 fee today, too. Who’s next?

Round two: Free stuff isn’t free anymore fee
American introduced a $5 fee for booking a free ticket online. Purely spiteful, as Gary Leff argued when this first arose. Online distribution was intended to lower costs, but now it’s just a profit center.

But American’s $5 fee seems downright generous compared to US Airways’ announcement today. There’s a double-whammy of “award ticketing fees” and “award processing fees.” The ticketing fees consist of $30 surcharge for U.S/Canada tickets, and $40 for international itineraries. But then there’s the “processing fee”: $25 continental U.S./Alaska/Canada, $35 Latin America/Caribbean, $50 Hawaii/international.

Extortionary.

Round three: Free trips will cost more miles
American jacked up the number of miles necessary for many free tickets and upgrades, thereby making it harder to reach your award goals. No surprise, alas, given the oversupply of miles chasing a shortage of flights in an age of increasing airfares. But still annoying.

So far, no other followers… yet. Give it a day or two, and it won’t be a surprise if others devalue your miles the same way.

Round four: We will kick elites like dogs, and you’ll like it
US Airways will piss off thousands of its elite frequent flyers with its new “enhancement” to the Dividend Miles program: “US Airways is also eliminating its bonus miles program for Preferred status Dividend Miles members. Preferred members currently receive mileage bonuses based on their status level. The Preferred bonus program will be discontinued for tickets purchased on/after Aug. 6, 2008.” Ouch. So, elites who previously accumulated miles more quickly can now kiss that benefit goodbye. How many elites will be kissing US Airways goodbye? (Hat tip to Benet Wilson for pointing this nugget out to me first!)

Rounds five through infinity: Everything else.
Beyond that, the fees just keep on coming. US Airways is adding fees for all soft drinks, including water. Excuse me, that’s “a new in-flight beverage purchase program.” Ooh, a program! Groan. They’re raising the price of booze, too, to a whopping $7. United is increasing various ticketing fees, across the board, too many to name. And US Airways is shutting clubs and arrival lounges. Satire just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Is there a silver lining in here anywhere? I can’t seem to find it.

Related:
- Copycat: US Airways mimics United, starts charging for second checked bag
- Death by a thousand cuts: US Airways edition

Rick Seaney and the FareCompare team have once again beaten me to the punch: They’ve compiled a list of U.S. domestic airlines’ fees and put them all in one place.

Most every fee the airlines have imagined (so far) is there. The phone booking fee. The luggage fee. The cost of snacks, booze, and meals. The pet fee. The skycap fee. The re-ticketing fee. And on and on. (The fee fee, the Arial font fee, and the fee fi fo fum fee, as outlined here, somehow didn’t make the cut.)

It’s a great list, insofar as it helps consumers make better decisions. I’ve always argued that the lowest fare may not be the best value. (And that doesn’t even take frequency, upgrade possibilities, on-time arrivals, or anything like that into account.)

Be sure to check out the list.

Reader James dials the U:TB Batphone and tips us off to this fictitious airline’s oddly plausible website: Derrie-Air (har har har), “the world’s only carbon-neutral luxury airline, where you don’t have to choose between living the high life and saving the planet.” Heh. Sounds oddly familiar.

But this make-believe airline’s phony business model relies on a not-necessarily unthinkable concept: Weight-based fares. Not just your luggage, but your person, too.

…the more you weigh, the more you’ll pay. After all, it takes more fuel—more energy—to get more weight from point A to point B. So we will charge passengers based on how much mass they add to the plane. The heavier you and your luggage are, the more trees we’ll plant to make up for the trouble of flying you from place to place.

Cute. But again, is this really unimaginable? It works for the post office, so why not an airline?

Southwest already charges an extra seat for “passengers of size.” (Notably, Canada has banned this practice.) And even hotels have offered weight-based rates.

If you think this isn’t being considered right now by some airlines, think again. But check out the quote from this Bloomberg article, in which the president of Emirates Airlines goes beyond just poo-poo’ing his firm’s likelihood of charging passengers by the pound:

“That is something that when I was a check-in agent in the early 70s I used to do and it was the most horrific experience, trying to get people to stand on scales,” said Tim Clark, the airline president. “It’s not something that we would do.”

Wait a minute — airlines used to weigh passengers? Which airlines? When For how long? And to what end? I can’t seem to find any record of this. My first flight was in 1973, but admittedly I was too young to remember it. Is Mr. Clark referring to weight-and-balance issues for small aircraft, or was there some other reason to put passengers on the scale?

Help me out here. Anyone out there have some memories of getting weighed before a flight?

Related:
- Travel by the pound
- Canada prohibits airlines from charging overweight passengers for an extra seat

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