Ted is shutting down. Ted is sorry to leave you. Ted can’t pay the bills. Ted is dead.

I will weep no tears for Ted, the low-frills airline-within-an-airline created by United, which is being shut down as part of a larger reduction in flights, aircraft, and staff.

I admit I initially thought the Ted name was cute, drawing on the last three letters of the word “United,” but the concept and execution of Ted were sheer and utter crap. Others have tried this before, in one form or another. Delta’s Song. US Airways Metrojet. And lest we forget Continental Lite. Each of these failed. Now Ted did, too. Good riddance.

On more than one occasion, while walking in Chicago’s Lincoln Park, along Lake Michigan, my wife and I would see Ted planes circling on their approach to O’Hare. I’d sometimes shake my fist at Ted, half-jokingly, channeling my inner Abe Simpson.

My disdain for Ted came from the fact that the whole concept was half-assed. United converted Airbus A320s by tearing out the first class seats and dividing the plane into economy and economy plus. Bye-bye upgrades.

But far worse, United created this whole Ted-speak, to make it seem like Ted would be something interesting, edgy, and fun. Ted wasn’t. Ted was just United economy, with smaller serving sizes of soft drinks. There was no entertainment a la JetBlue, no personality a la Southwest, or no real savings on airfare a la Ryanair. It was nothing special, but it claimed to be fantabulous.

Bye, Ted. You won’t be missed.

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