It’s been a rough few weeks here at U:TB headquarters (not because of the blog, mind you), and we’re taking a bit over a week off, burning some hard-earned frequent flyer miles, and unplugging. You might see a guest post, you might not, but this blogger will be back on the beat, tanned, rested, and ready.

In the meantime: Safe, delay-free travels, with complimentary upgrades galore, to you and yours.

There’s a subgenre of tourism. The tacky name, invented by marketers to create a buzz, or to create demand for some sort of niche travel that no one really considered a niche before.

There was the mancation. Then the procreation vacation. And now: the staycation.

“Staycations” are just “trips” which locals take to resorts in their own area, thereby avoiding travel, or even much of a change of scenery. “In-town vacation” was what this used to be called, no? But “staycation” just sucks as a name.

Sure, it’s friendlier on the environment to skip the carbon-guzzling travel side of the equation, and not everyone is game for a vacation that involves staying on a hotel’s compound. But few people live close enough to a real destination to make this worth their while.

Will this trend take off? Maybe, but I hope the name doesn’t.

Update: “Staycation” is already in the Urban Dictionary! Since 2006, no less! Crikey.

Downgraded: Short flights on United
Watching United and US Airways devalue their frequent flyer programs is like watching a tennis match, with the two players volleying back and forth. Every time one airline does something, the other does it a few weeks later. Lather, rinse, repeat. The latest: After US Airways did it a few weeks ago, United Airlines is eliminating the 500-mile minimum mileage earned. In an e-mail to customers, UA wrote:

Beginning July 1, 2008, for flights of less than 500 miles, passengers will earn redeemable miles equal to the actual miles flown. Elite Qualifying Miles (EQM) will also be awarded based on actual miles. Elite Qualifying Segments (EQS) are not affected. This new mileage accrual structure will apply to travel on or after July 1, 2008, regardless of when the travel was ticketed.

This affects road warriors who park their butts in seats on short flights most. It sure slows the trip on the road to elite status, or to that free ticket.

Update: The rules are now online, here. Thanks, Benet and Antonio!

Upgraded: Hassle
The agents of the Customs and Border Protection Service have 60 different reasons to deny a person entry into the United States, “at the discretion of border agents,” even if visitors have a valid ticket and don’t require a visa. “Looking at me funny” might be one of them, as an Italian visitor found out, ending up in the slammer for 10 days without charges. At what point is the appeal of travel to the United States — especially in light of the low dollar — outweighed by the government-paranoia BS factor?

Downgraded: Airspeed
Upgraded: Fuel efficiency
Think flights are moving a little slower lately? You may be right. Airlines are slowing down the engines and saving fuel in the process. Example: “Cutting the speed on a Northwest Minneapolis to Paris flight from 542 mph to 532 mph adds 8 minutes in flying time but reduces fuel consumption by 162 gallons, saving the airline around $535.”

For those who’ve sat next to the toilet on a long flight, take heart: At least you weren’t sitting ON the toilet for the flight. This story seems too good to be true, if by “good,” we mean comedy gold, reinforcing our already nasty impression of American aviation.

A New York City man is suing JetBlue Airways Corp. for more than $2 million because he says a pilot made him give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet for more than three hours on a flight from California.

Gokhan Mutlu, of Manhattan’s Inwood section, says in court papers the pilot told him to “go ‘hang out’ in the bathroom” about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the “jump seat” she was assigned was uncomfortable, the lawsuit said.

Awesome. I don’t know if this is really true, but for the sake of airline-hell story one-upsmanship, I’m really hoping it is.

Mr. Mutlu was traveling on a “buddy pass,” a perk given to airline employees (in lieu of job security, salary, pension, and other accoutrements) which lets friends travel for close to free. But a low fare (which is what a buddy pass effectively is) doesn’t mean you have to sit on the toilet. Especially since that’s a safety issue:

The aircraft hit turbulence and passengers were directed to return to their seats, but “the plaintiff had no seat to return to, sitting on a toilet stool with no seat belts,” court papers say.

Some time later, a male flight attendant knocked on the restroom door and told Mutlu he could return to his original seat, court papers say.

Would it have been okay if a female flight attendant had knocked, instead?

Mutlu’s lawsuit, filed Friday in Manhattan’s state Supreme Court, says JetBlue negligently endangered him by not providing him with a seat with a safety belt or harness, in violation of federal law.

JetBlue’s courtroom strategy may resort to a counter-accusation: that Mutlu tampered with the lavatory smoke detectors while in there. And perhaps he ignored lighted signs and placards, too. Take that, safety video!

Thanks to reader J for the early heads-up!

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From the classic comedy archives: The language of travel, sliced and diced as only George Carlin can. Flight attendants in the audience will either nod along with agreement or recoil in horror at the delegitimation of their workday vernacular.

For those whose sensibilities are offended by this sort of thing, beware of F-bombs, F-bombs, and more F-bombs! (And the occasional reference to adult behaviors that are still technically illegal in some states.) So the audio isn’t safe for work. Unless your co-workers are themselves in the habit of barraging each other with f-bombs. In which case, the videos below will be incredibly tame, and you probably have a better time at the office than I do.

Part one:

Part two:

Eos and Maxjet have kicked the proverbial bucket, but the all-business carrier concept isn’t quite dead yet. Silverjet found new life by getting a cash infusion, a promise of more cash, and possibly even a bidding war/buyout offer. Huzzah for them!

But the other remaining trans-Atlantic airline, L’Avion, has figured that it can survive by partnering with others. And it’s linking up with another new airline — the British Airlines subsidiary OpenSkies, which launches flights from Paris (Orly) to New York (JFK) on June 19.

L’Avion will codeshare the OpenSkies flight, but not the other way around, at least for now. L’Avion flies all-business class from Newark to Paris, while OpenSkies flies a plane with business, premium economy, and economy from JFK to Paris. L’Avion’s seats are all forward-facing cradle seats (not lie-flat) while OpenSkies has alternating front-and-rear facing 180-degree lie flat business seats.

For L’Avion’s survival, getting a codeshare with a British Airways subsidiary seems like a smart move. I’m still not sure how they can afford to sell tickets for under $1500 round trip in business class and survive long-term, but the new codeshare may have thrown them a lifeline for the short term.