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Facing record fuel prices, United Airlines and others are considering flight cancellations and grounding large parts of their fleet. Apparently, it’s necessary to resort to threats like this when low-cost carriers make price hikes difficult.

United’s CFO Jack Brace offers this wisdom:

“Either the industry passes on the higher fuel prices or we’re going to have to lower capacity, but you have to make the equation work,” he said in comments to a Goldman Sachs conference in New York.

Brace said United has a little more than 100 aircraft unencumbered by debt, including 50 Boeing 737s, “that we could ground whenever we needed to if the demand environment were such that it didn’t make sense to fly those planes.”

But hold on: Airlines have already been raising prices, and the price hikes have been sticky. So grounding planes in an environment where prices are rising and planes are already packed to the gills is a curious move.

It strikes me as an effort to spur the industry to really sock it to consumers. I know it’s not a perfect analogy, but I’m reminded of Enron’s actions during the California energy crisis. Energy supply low? Turn off another power plant to drive prices up further! Bring on the gouging!

But is the threat to ground planes credible? It seems highly unlikely that any airline would unilaterally ground a fifth of its fleet, as United is suggesting (and others are supposedly considering, according to the linked article above). Competitors would fill the vacuum, step up with more flights — albeit at higher prices.

Bottom line: United can talk and talk about grounding flights. But will they do it? I doubt it.

File under “If life serves you lemons, make lemonade”… “Monsoon season” isn’t a phrase that typically elicits thoughts of awesome high-season holiday fun. But if the marketers behind India’s Kerala region have their way, you’ll be living the romantic high life in between spells of pouring rain.

Rain-soaked vacations — err, “monsoon holidays” — are the latest effort to sell a low-season destination at high-season prices. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for visiting places when the crowds are missing. “Shoulder” season? I’m a big fan. And I can see the appeal of the occasional rain.

But lousy weather at a beach destination is no value. So sales pitches like this one, encouraging you to “chase” the monsoon like a tornado wonk might try to capture video of an F5, seem like a stretch.

Am I missing something?

Thanks, Tyler!
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For some time the airlines have been doing their best to make frequent flyer miles less valuable. Expiration dates. Increased mileage requirements. Limits on the number of seats available for “free” seats. And on and on. Sure, travelers complain, but why haven’t banks?

Banks?

Yes, banks. Why? Because banks want to continue issuing the airlines’ frequent flyer affinity credit cards, since they make a pretty penny from them. And people will only put up with the annual fees and interest charges if they feel it’s worth it. Kill the demand for miles, you kill the demand for those cards.

And increasingly, frequent flyer programs are losing their value for customers. Take the latest changes to Continental’s OnePass: Tim Winship notes downgrades to the OnePass program effective February 1, 2008. Effectively, they’re price increases:

The price increase that will affect the most members will be for first-class awards on flights within or between the contiguous U.S., Alaska, and Canada. Capacity-controlled SaverPass awards will increase in price from 45,000 to 50,000 miles. And the price of unrestricted EasyPass awards will rise from 90,000 to 100,000 miles.

The other price increase applies to overseas BusinessFirst awards. Award flights between North America and Asia, India, Africa, or the Middle East will increase from 250,000 to 300,000 miles. And award flights between North America and Southern South America will rise in price from 180,000 to 250,000 miles.

Adding insult to injury, Continental is eliminating their 500-mile online booking bonus for tickets purchased at continental.com, effective December 1, 2007. While others, like Delta and United, have cut the bonus from 1000 to 500 miles, Continental takes the next step and just eliminates it. Edit: Delta eliminated their online booking bonus entirely in June 2007. Thanks to Chris and Walt for pointing out the error!

Take for granted that travelers should be annoyed. But if I were in charge of Chase’s Visa card program with Continental, I’d be annoyed too. If travelers decide that Continental’s miles are no longer worth pursuing, then they’ll bail out on the Continental/Chase card as well.

So why aren’t the banks raising a bigger stink at these mile devaluations?

Southwest took another step away from its rebellious past and another step toward being just another legacy carrier today. But if you’re traveling last minute on the company dime, there may be a silver lining: Expensive fares, usually bought very close to departure, will now come with a guaranteed “A”-group boarding pass, assuring early boarding and seat selection under Southwest’s open seating model. Plus, you get a free cocktail.

Unclear from early reports is how the number in one’s boarding group is calculated for these passengers. (Southwest recently started numbering boarding passes within the A, B, and C groups, and requiring passengers to board in sequential order.)

Many Southwest fans will be outraged. The airline is gradually moving away from its democratic model, and going with a “money talks, BS walks” approach.

But at the same time, loyalty will be rewarded, too. Much like elite frequent flyers at United, Northwest, or US Airways get access to “premium” economy seats, Rapid Rewards members with 32 flights under their belt in one year are guaranteed an “A” boarding pass.

And in a marketing spin, those expensive last-minute fares would now be termed “Business Select” fares.

(Ooooh, “select”… Isn’t that a grade of beef? Select… choice… prime… The old-style “cattle call” may be gone, but the bovine metaphors live on.)

So, to recap: Expensive tickets get more perks and better seats. Frequent flyers get “upgrades.” And the marketers are spinning tales about how revolutionary and great this all is.

Sounds like a “legacy” airline. Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that. But the low-cost revolutionary hype is not in tune with reality any more.

They’ve grown up, perhaps. But Southwest is turning into the airlines it once mocked. Welcome to middle age!

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Sri Lankan Airlines passengers revolted at London-Heathrow when the airline ushered the travelers onto an Airbus A340 with a broken winglet.

The winglet had been damaged in an on-ground collision with a British Airways 747 at the airport the previous day. The 747 fared far worse, as the photo above actually shows. (The visible damage in the photo (via the Daily Mail) was to the BA plane. The Sri Lankan A340 “won,” but the winglet had to be removed.)

And though the A340’s winglet was missing, the plane was apparently safe to fly. The extensions are optional, after all. They help save fuel, but they’re not necessary, per se.

But even so, I’m sure I’d be none too pleased if I knew my plane had just sliced and diced another jumbo. Why wouldn’t the airline arrange for another aircraft to take us to the destination? A plane that doesn’t need drastic maintenance, maybe?

Maybe they should have used the airline-grade duct tape. That oughta fix it.

So, the question goes to you. If your plane’s wings were damaged from a crash the previous day, would you take your seat, buckle up, and prepare for takeoff? Or would you revolt and stay as far from the jetway as you could? Vote below!

(via OnlineTravelReview)

Downgraded: The mile-high club
Singapore Airlines has some of the swankest first class seats — ahem, “suites” — in the sky, but if you want to get frisky with your mate at 39,000 feet, no dice. Despite having a double bed in their suites, the airline enforces a no-sex policy in the sky. Note the key word: enforces. Early passengers on the A380 weren’t pleased:

“So they’ll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne — and then say you can’t do what comes naturally?” asked Tony Elwood, a vigorous 76. “Seems a bit strange.”

Sorry, Tony. Your ticket may say first class, but you and the missus will have to use the lavatory, just like everyone else. Or rent a private love jet for $299.

Downgraded: Airbus’ green claims
One big selling point for modern aircraft is always their lower fuel consumption. Leo Hickman at the Guardian ran the numbers on the A380, and found that Airbus’ calculations are bogus. They assume a full plane of 555 passengers, but zero luggage or cargo, when they calculate the kerosene burn. How realistic. (By the way, Airbus claims that the A380 will burn 2.9 liters of fuel per passenger for every 100km traveled, i.e., 75 grams of carbon dioxide per passenger per km.)

Upgraded: Olde tyme hotel rates
The Palmer House in Chicago is allowing repeat guests to stay there at the rate they paid years ago. A great deal… as long as the earlier stay was fifty years ago or more, and if the guests still have the original receipt. A 1947 receipt will get you a room under $10. Which wasn’t cheap! (Notice to my wife: THIS is why I keep receipts.)

Downgraded: The State Department
Turns out that the $97 passport fee is nicely padded in the government’s favor, far above the cost of processing. Gosh, really?

Downgraded: Surcharges
The seven most annoying travel surcharges, from Chris Elliott. Room service “Tray fee”?? Wow, that’s really brazen.

Downgraded: The TSA
TSA regularly sends staff to conduct internal testing of its security procedures. But it turns out they’re sometimes tipping off the front-line staff in advance. (I know someone who works for TSA, who has had the pleasure of carrying a “bomb” through the airport. Yes, they caught him. Who’da thunk.)

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If you’ve checked bags, you may have seen those little notices left by the TSA or other nations’ airport security, indicating that they’ve rifled through your things. If you’re feeling frisky, and if you don’t mind taking a chance taking a trip to the hoosegow, instead of to your intended destination, then a “helpful” baggage insert might be just your ticket to comedic vengeance.

The “Do Not Be Alarmed By” section of the “Citizen’s Insertable Swiftness Manifest” is my personal favorite.

Click to view in maximum size. Use at your own risk.

(image, apparently taken from McSweeney’s)

Apple has been running ads galore for its iPhone, but one ad in particular bugs me. It’s the one with the pilot, who talks about the weather.

The pilot in the ad, who tells us that he was working a flight from Chicago to Newark, says he’s notified by the tower of a three hour weather delay. Skeptically, he whips out the iPhone and browses over to weather.com to see that there is no weather en route. He calls his dispatcher, and within minutes, they’re cleared for takeoff. iPhone to the rescue.

(If you prefer multimedia to pithy summaries, click the image below to view the ad on the Apple site.)

Really?

No, seriously: Really?

The pilot is identified simply as “Bryce,” and for all I know, he may be a real pilot. (Chicago to Newark… if he’s a commercial pilot that makes him a pilot for American, Continental, or United. Anyone recognize him?)

Either that story is 100% unadulterated bunk, or we’ve got even bigger problems than reported (or not reported, as the case may be).

How was this discussion supposed to go? “Uh, there’s no weather on radar. Why am I delayed?” “Oh, you’re right, I guess you can go now. Get outta here!” Unlikely. One expects (and hopes) that the Chicago tower has access to weather reports. And radar.

(Amusingly, the phone image shows two lines of storms on that flight route, one across Indiana, and one across Ohio. Maybe they should have picked a clear day.)

The ad could have repurcussions for travel: If you’re working in an airport tower, prepare to be harangued by pilots, passengers, and weather nerds across the land.

So either Apple is pulling a fast one, or we’re all screwed.