Oh, the humanity! Upsides of the new air travel restrictions
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The foiled terrorist plot may have made air travel more inconvenient on the surface, thanks to the new restrictions at airport security checks, but hey, it’s not all bad. After all, there are people on CNN hawking peace of mind (”It’s probably the safest day to fly!”). There you go! Let’s look on the bright side of the 2006 War on JuicyJuice:
- No liquids means less drinking. Less drinking means… Shorter bathroom lines! Fewer stag parties, or at least tamer ones. (Hmm… Maybe it’s time to short Ryanair stock?) And less unwanted groping by drunken passengers.
- No carry-on gel or cream (or presumably salve, ointment, linament, putty, mousse, pommade, paste, goo, jelly, jam, preserves, or spackle) means you and your fellow passengers have the rare opportunity to renegotiate the norms of public behavior. You can’t expect someone to not scratch an itch for 10 hours, if they don’t have their salve, do you? Look forward to seeing your fellow humans getting back in touch with their eczema-ridden humanity, scratching themselves in public.
- No roll-on or gel deodorants just means you’ll get to smell that humanity the way the Maker intended. And remember, you’re not just getting a whiff of your neighbor in seat 37E. That’s the smell of the war on terror. It’s the smell of freedom.
If you’re in the UK, you’ve got even more restrictions. But not to worry, those are great too. No carry-on bags means no risk of back strain when you lift your cargo overhead. And that’s not all:
- Make new friends! Forget your iPod, laptop, cellphone, or PSP. With no such distractions to occupy you, mingle! Maybe you’ll even find that special someone. Look for memberships at inflight dating service Airtroductions.com to skyrocket! (This is real.) Talk about putting the “plus” back into Economy Plus…
- No books = more time to peruse the SkyMall Magazine. Why read for the sake of reading, when you can read for the sake of shopping? And haven’t you always needed items like the Inflatable Private Island (click to buy!), the Hydrofoil Water Scooter (buy! buy!), or a set of phony security cameras for your home? (buy, dammit, buy!!)
- No laptop or paper means no working. If you’re traveling for business, that’s time on the clock. Time that you’re not doing anything but stickin’ it to the Man. Ka-ching.
I’m sure the benefits don’t stop there. But it’s a start. (Comments are open, as always.)
It’s a new chapter in air travel. It’s not just transportation. No, air travel now means being inside an aluminum tube with dozens and dozens of thirsty, smelly, itchy, sober, non-productive shopaholics looking for love.
Can’t wait for my next flight.
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August 10th, 2006 at 8:46 pm |
Freaking hillarious post! Love it!
I travelled on the first day of these extended restrictions and it wasn’t so bad, the only major problem for US domestic travel is that nearly everyone now has to check a bag (who doesn’t have makeup or contact solution or something liquid they will need at their destination?). That makes for a long wait to get your bag after the flight, but nobody is fighting for overhead bins!
August 14th, 2006 at 8:18 pm |
Funny post!
That finding new friends part is pretty true. My sister’s fiance went back to the UK yesterday and there wasn’t a lot of people on the plane, so he wandered around and chatted with a flight attendent. If it wasn’t for the new restrictions he’d probably play Monster Hunter on his PSP all the way home.
August 15th, 2006 at 9:18 am |
I fully support plans to turn all future flights into make out parties. Seriously, what else is there to do for seven hours? Plus it’ll totally zing the terrorists.
August 17th, 2006 at 9:19 am |
Maybe Bose will invent an odor-canceling noseplug.
February 14th, 2007 at 3:54 pm |
[…] I give up. I know, I’m ranting. I’ve been ranting a lot lately. But it’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. As passengers, there’s not much to do, except to write to legislators with your gripes. What is perhaps more frustrating is that corporations aren’t doing more to protect travelers’ interests (and subsequently their companies’ bottom line). […]