James Wysong decries the state of inflight coffee and offers a number of theories that might explain why the coffee is subpar.

Coffee onboard is certainly better today than it used to be. But with name brands on board, like Starbucks on United, Seattle’s Best on Alaska, or local favorite Alterra on Midwest, expectations go up as well. It’s true, though, that coffee is still generally not as good in the air as on the ground. Plus, unless you’re riding up front on certain international flights, you can’t order a cappuccino in the air.

Wysong has five theories to explain the bad state of brew, but the five explanations really fall into three categories:

- The disgruntled flight attendant

Flight attendants want to make their jobs easier, so they brew bad coffee so no one will ask for a second cup, or they brew nothing but decaf to keep passengers sedate.

- The coffee roasters’ conspiracy

The coffee supplier sells crappy coffee to the airline to boost sales at airport vendors.

- The flawed brewing process

The process for brewing coffee on planes stinks, because the water isn’t hot enough, or the water from the “galley springs” tastes bad.

To be honest, if I had not read that the author of the piece was an airline flight attendant, I would have dismissed some of those hypotheses out of hand as a bit tin-foil-hat. (All airline coffee is decaf!!?! I’m skeptical…)

What I’ve found is that coffee varies by flight, not just by airline. The Starbucks coffee on United might be a watery swill one flight, and a reasonably robust brew on another.

If the caffeine on board isn’t all you wanted it to be, and you’re not as amped on the flight as you hoped, then perhaps a nap is in order. Can’t sleep on the plane? Maybe you’ll get lucky and arrive at an airport with a napping center. Vancouver is one such airport where you catch some quick z’s, with pods by Metronaps onsite. Hopefully located near a coffee shop.

Airlines periodically reduce the cost in miles for certain awards. Until February 28 of this year, for example, American and United both charged only 15,000 miles for North American flights under 750 miles.

Alaska Airlines offers a similar award sale, with reduced mileage requirements for certain flights. Valid only on specific routes between April 18 and June 8, 2006. See here for complete details.

Northwest also has an award sale, but for cash-and-miles combination awards for travel through June 5. See here for details. This is not necessarily a great offer, since awards must be booked with two weeks’ notice, when cheaper cash fares may still be available. Nonetheless, if you’re traveling to smaller, out-of-the-way airports, this could come in handy.

United Airlines is giving 25 Mileage Plus members a million miles each, in honor of the 25th anniversary of the program.

Registration required. Thereafter, each “qualifying segment” flown between March 27 and June 16 enters you into the drawing. What’s a qualifying segment? It seems like any flight on United or United Express.

You can also enter without flying. Instructions, along with the complete legal mumbo jumbo, are here. One nice point: If you win, they also give you $5000 toward any tax liability you incur.

Go to http://www.united.com/25million to enter.

Yet another salvo in the transatlantic business class wars…

Eos Airlines now offers a money-back guarantee, within certain parameters:

Maybe you think you’re flying the best business class to London. But we’re willing to bet you’re wrong. Our all-premium class airline is designed to be better. And if after flying with us you disagree, we will give you your money back.

Just call 800.583.0566 US or 0800.019.3658 UK by April 12, 2006 and book our special introductory $3,500 USD or £2000 GBP round trip fare for first time Eos flyers. This fare includes free car service and a ‘refresher room’ for arrivals at London Stansted. If you’re not 100% satisfied with your Eos experience, we’ll issue a full refund.

To qualify for our money-back guarantee, all you have to do is provide us with documentation that you’ve flown at least 2 round trips on British Airways, Virgin Atlantic or any combination of the two, in the past 6 months. Send your valid mileage statement or ticket receipt with boarding passes via email at contact@eosairlines.com or fax to 914.251.1819 at least 7 days prior to your departure.

I guess Eos doesn’t care about the premium-class travelers on American, United, Continental, Air India (!), … all airlines that also fly from the New York area to London.

Thanks to Today in the Sky for pointing this deal out. But note: I don’t see anything in those conditions that specifies where you need to have flown on British or Virgin in order to qualify. The title on the page says they’re targeting business class travelers on those airlines, but there’s not much detail in the terms…

The English-language edition of Der Spiegel has a brilliant series on surviving Germany as a non-German. The Germany Survival Bible is required reading for anyone traveling there. After many, many trips to Germany, I can verify that it’s all true.

Particularly essential: Never apologize (or expect an apology) for any bodily contact while walking. Do not expect people to stand in line properly, and be prepared to fight for your turn. I would add that you should expect your Achilles heel to be bruised after any trip to the supermarket. The person behind you is bound to shove their cart into you, with nary an apology, unless you lay into them. (And don’t forget that you have to bag your groceries yourself, and you’d better keep up with the cashier’s rapid-fire pace!)

But perhaps most importantly: Prepare yourself mentally for the uniquely German toilet, and its dreaded shelf.

Its origins are mysterious. One legend I’ve heard about the shelf is that it was designed to make it easier for people with a tapeworm to, erm, inspect the goods.

I can’t vouch for that one. But the guide to Germany’s quirks is good. If only every country’s national magazine had one.

Travelers hoping for an empty adjacent seat on startup airlines MaxJet and Eos Airlines are in luck. The all-business class carriers are flying rather empty thus far, according to the Times of London.

The numbers aren’t broken out, but the two airlines combined to show a 32% load factor, i.e., two out of three seats left empty. MaxJet’s fleet consists of Boeing 767-200s configured for 102 passengers, while Eos flies 757s outfitted with 48 seats. Maxjet’s CEO, Gary Rogliano, charges that competitor Eos’ planes are only carrying 5 to 10 passengers per flight — a load factor between 10 and 20%, if true. Compare this to the major airlines’ load factors, which hover near 80%.

Rogliano also argues that the winter is a slow travel season — but this is primarily true for leisure travel, not business travel. The summer is when we really see business-class bookings across the Atlantic drop, and when the airlines offer business class sale fares.

Maybe this is where the real Maxjet business model lies: high-rolling vacationers, and not business travelers at all. While the MaxJet model has its flaws, its sale fares are still a great deal for high quality inflight service. Perhaps they’ll survive on tourist bookings, if they can stay aloft.